Embarrassed about asking T for a hug

I had a good session with T and he said that I could text him tomorrow to let him know if I got the job or not.

As I was leaving, I asked him for a hug, and he said no hug only a handshake.

I'm so humiliated and feel stupid.

I'm sorry. I think that your T should have squeezed you out a hug. To deny this request in this context seems inhuman. You should have turned down the handshake. Fortunately you have come to PC, the place to hug and get hugged.

Many therapists do not have physical contact with their clients.

Don't feel humiliated and stupid, it's perfectly fine to ask for a hug. Some T's just don't do them. Mine doesn't, but I desperately wish she did. It's okay to want a hug from your T. I'm sorry your T doesn't do hugs.

Some Ts have rules they follow with clients to set clear boundaries. I tried to 'friend' my first T on social media (LinkedIn) and she wouldn't accept it. She had a policy against it. I wanted a hug after one session and she didn't do them...more rules. It embarrassed me too, though i guess I understand.

I am so pro hugs and it is what My therapist and I argued about for 18 months. Looking back I should have just hugged him whenever I wanted to and he would have had a hard time pushing me away. I should have just been me, I hug. Hugs to me are like breathing, necessary and important and normal. in the end he hugged me and for a while it was heaven. Like for years. and then I stopped feeling hugged by him. Maybe because he was going off me, who knows.
Anyway, don't let their idiosyncrasies get to you. Therapy is a made up place - people have made up rules as they went along. It might be in the 50 years time everyone will laugh at how contrived it was and how some of it was so unhelpful. don't take it personally.
I anguished over the hugging rule. I got upset and cried buckets. I felt hurt and rejected. I hated him for not hugging me. I am so glad he did in the end. He just said ' I don't hug' but that was not good enough for me. But be warned: this 'to hug or not to hug' topic tends to polarise people and each side doesn't understand or even usually want to try and understand the other parties view point. So - be confident in yourself, wanting a hug is normal. Being turned down is usually horrible and remember it is their stuff not yours. Hugs to you.

I'm sorry that you got up the courage to ask for a hug, only to be told no. Because this is such a "touchy" topic (pun intended), I think t's should tell their clients right up front at their first session what their rules are regarding physical touch. At least then, clients would know what their t's policy is and not have to feel humiliated asking for something that feels very important to them and being refused.

I'm currently checking out a few therapists about three or four of them and sending a basic email stating my needs and trying to see if they're able to meet them or not before I set up an appointment.

The email:

I might have to schedule an appointment in December after I get hired at this new job. I hate having to wait because I'm going through these rough months with no therapist or support and it's so difficult. I carry a smile on my face but crying on the inside. I have deep emotional pain and for different reasons. For the deaths of my family Members, feeling unlovable and unworthy of anyone's time, fear of being abandoned and rejected, hating myself. It's just a puzzle mix of a whole bunch of things that have built up. I never went to the hospital to say goodbye to mom before they put her on the ventilator and after that I never got the chance. I feel guilty about having to make the decision to take my uncle off of life support. The doctors were telling me that his brain was too far gone but I keep thinking well what if a miracle had happened. I just lost my new job because I missed 2 days of training. I feel so unlovable which is a message I've gotten throughout my whole life.

I'm just hurting now. I wear a smile but underneath it is a lot of pain.

So you would allow one email per week after our session so that I can reflect on what was said and maybe identify another issue for us to work on in therapy. When I write, sometimes that's when I uncover hidden stuff.

What about hugs? My first therapist allowed hugs and they were helpful. He offered a hug at the end of sessions which were especially comforting if I had just had a very emotional session.

My first therapist was great. He let me text him a few short words if I was going through a rough time and needed a few words of encouragement or reassurance. And he let me send him an email after sessions and gave me hugs at the end of sessions. The bonus with him is that he used to sometimes give me coffee. One time, he texted me to say that my coffee was on the counter and that he'd be out in a minute. And one day when he knew I was struggling, he surprised me with a text message saying that he was just checking in and he hoped I was feeling better. That made my whole day. It made me feel like he truly cared about me and it made me feel like I was more than just a paycheck to him and that he truly care about how I was doing. Good memories.

I guess I'm not used to having people be good to
me in my life. So I always cherish the kindnesses of people who are good to me because I have had a rough time with people being bad to me in the past.

That's some information on me.

I think you need to speak to potential therapists in person and discuss these matters one-on-one. I suspect they may be wary from your email that you may expect rather loose boundaries from them.

You have to remember that your old therapist found his loose boundaries didn't work with you after awhile, and when he tightened down on them, things went very badly. Trying to recreate what you had with your old T (which didn't work and ended up disastrously) may not be the best plan. Perhaps to avoid the same pitfalls, a different style or different boundaries might be to your benefit. Just a thought, but I know you realize what went wrong previously so it so it might be important to consider what needs to happen differently this time so that your therapy is more effective for you.

I agree that this is too much information to include in a first e-mail asking for an appointment. I would just include a few sentences saying very briefly why you're looking for a T, then see if you can have either an initial phone call or meeting with them. Even then, I wouldn't talk about what you had with the past T. I might ask something like "What is your policy on hugs?" "Do you allow out of session contact?" and stuff like that. Because if you state all these wants/needs up front, it might seem like a lot to a T who has never met you. Even if the T might be willing and able to meet those needs.

I echo the advice to keep initial emails short. Let them get to know you over time, as you get to know them...slowly.

I emailed the 2 therapists and apologized and will just leave it at that.

Was the t you saw today a potential new t?

I think your email shows great initiative and your eagerness to get working with a therapist. I do agree with others that perhaps outlining the basics of what you want to address in therapy would be a good start for step 1. Maybe save more of the details and boundary inquiries for step 2. I think what you have written in your email is important for the potential new t to hear but maybe just wait 'til you know whether or not that t is even accepting new clients.

Also, if you are going to email t's, asking questions (Are you accepting new clients? What insurance do you take? Or, what is your hourly rate?) might increase response rate times.

Was this a new T?

It's better to ask a new T "do you give hugs?" before asking "Can I have a hug?" It's also best to ask "Do you allow out of session contact?" before you email or text. Wanting hugs and out of session contact is okay. But you can't expect all Ts to do it.

It does seem like you're trying to recreate your relationship with your Pdoc/T. I would suggest not doing that. Clear, strong boundaries are good things... things you need help with (based upon what you wrote about your relationship with your ex-T).

Have you thought about maybe trying a female T?

This denial is what inhibits me from asking for a hug even in the first place. Even though I so badly want one. I am glad you had the guts to ask for it!