[lauren_helene]

I am applying the trigger for those who do not wish to hear a word about sexual abuse. Please click out of this thread if that is you.

One of the big issues between my mom, dad and me is that my dad told me on my 22nd birthday (long time ago) that he did not know if I was his child when my mom told him she was pregnant until the day I was born. He told me if I ever told my mom he said this he would disown me.

He said that she was quite the ***** while he was in Vietnam and all his friends and family told him about it and to divorce her.

So, I'm 37 now and some of you know that I am taking her to my next session on Wednesday. She begged me last night to tell me what it is that I am holding against her. this was around midnight. So, I took a chance and told her about what my dad said.

At first, she got angry at my dad for telling me that. A few minutes later she came back in my room and said okay here is the whole story. I've never talked about this until now and never wanted to but your dad has forced my hand.

She says that when my dad went to Vietnam (they were both 18 and newly married), she was living with his parents because they were married and back then this is what was expected of her. she said she hated living with my in-laws and their constant criticism so she got her own apartment.

Freedom for the first time. Now, I should also say my mom suffered unbelievable physical abuse from her step-mom and had issues of her own.

Several of my dad's 'friends' lived in the same building as she did. She threw parties, drank and partied with half the building etc. she admits she was a bit out of control however, one night, one of my dad's friend broke into her apartment (through the fire escape). He had unlocked her windows during the party that night.

The short version is he beat her and raped her. She said that he angrily told her that he and some of my dad's other buddies were going to take turns on her (and she would not know when) because my dad was such a bully and they hated him. This was the only way they knew to get back at him to 'take his precious wife' whenever they wanted. My dad was a fighter like his dad. It only took someone to look at him wrong and he was punching them. So everyone being afraid of my dad, is a true statement.

Anyway, she was choked by this person that night too and threated if she ever told. Frightened, she when to see a male friend of hers whose brother was a priest. They all talked and the result was my mom's male friend moved in with her (he slept in the living room only). He worked hard to seal her windows tightly and he stayed with her until my dad came home.

However, another one of them got her when her male friend was working as she came out of her apartment. This was right before my dad came home from Nam. When my dad came home, dad wanted to start having a child but she lost the first one. So, she got pregnant with me not long after that.

Well, these buddies of my dad told him when he came home that she had a guy living with her and told him she was whoring around the whole time he was gone (one year), my dad's family found out and everyone was telling him to divorce her. She said all these years, she let everyone label her a ***** because she never wanted to tell my dad what really happened.

Once my dad knew everyone else's version, he doubted that I was his. He still doesn't know the truth to this day. This was heavy stuff last night. Apparently, they did some blood test and proved my dad is my dad.

At first, I didn't know whether to believe this but there was too much detail in a moments notice not to believe it. She said that she did cheat on my dad throughout the marriage years later because deep down she blamed him for what his friends did.

she also told me that years later she found out my dad was living with a french woman in Vietnam for six months. he bragged about it one night when there marriage was almost over. I asked her, do I have any other siblings and she said dad never knew but she and dad always wondered.

I just don't know how to process all of this yet. Wow is all I can say at the moment. I told her she didn't need to tell me these details because I'm an adult now and just wanted the truth. I wouldn't have been mad at her if she just said 'yeah I had an affair and we didn't know if you were your dad's child. I know that things happen sometimes in a marriage and what good does blame do? Anyway, my dad ran around on my mom also throughout the marriage. I found out about it when one of his women stalked me at my job when I was 17.

I just wanted to know if my dad was telling the truth all those years ago. My anger is at him for telling me that on my birthday and swearing me to secrecy.

I just had to get this out. Time will tell how it affects me I guess. Now she is swearing me to secrecy and is scared I'm going to tell my dad. I won't tell him but maybe he should know what these guys did. It is her story to tell though, I won't violate her in that way.

[(JD)]

((((((((hugs)))))))))))) It's a ill feeling to wonder if your parents are really your parents. To put that issue aside, I would ask for testing. Expensive, but maybe worth your peace of mind (and theirs too perhaps?)

No, no more swearing to secrecy. If they still have issues as adults in that relationship, that's their problem. You deal with this however you need to, and if it takes a family intervention, then so be it.

Maybe take them both with you to T???

I think for health issues, which with age will arise, you might also wish to know for sure.

wow. thats allot to carry. Hoping you both find the support you need.

[MyBestKids2]

(((((alameda24fan)))))))))

I'm sorry but hugs and kind thoughts are all I can offer


Dee

[Lemon]

Wow Almeda, that is a lot to take in. I wonder if you'll be ready to talk about it in your joint session. I'm sure it is ok if you are not ready yet and need to process for awhile on your own.

One thing that stuck me was that if I was in your situation, I'd be glad to finally have the trut. But it would be hard to have gotten rid of the burden of the secret from your dad to now having secret from your mom. I don't know if that's how you feel and I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but I t hink it would be hard to have this new information to deal with when you were just trying to clear up an old burden. Take care of yourself and do what is right for you.

[sunrise]

Wow, almedafan, what a tale. I can hardly process it all and I am not personally connected! I worry for you that there is not enough time to process this before your session with your mom. I hope you will feel no pressure to do the joint session if you are not ready. Maybe you need a few sessions with T on your own to deal with this new information before inviting mom to join you. If you do continue with your plan to go to therapy with your mom this week, is there any way you can call your T and give him the full story so he is prepared? What goals do your mom and you have for the joint therapy? Was it to get these secrets out?

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She said all these years, she let everyone label her a ***** because she never wanted to tell my dad what really happened.

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This family secret has caused everyone enormous pain and affected all your family dynamics for decades. Although the truth is painful, it might have been better to share it with her husband than keep it all to herself these years. What a difficult and painful situation for everyone.

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he did not know if I was his child when my mom told him she was pregnant until the day I was born

he doubted that I was his. He still doesn't know the truth to this day

Apparently, they did some blood test and proved my dad is my dad.

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It looks like you said he did learn you were his on the day you were born but then you wrote he still doesn't know. ? And the results of the blood test were not shared with your dad? It might help everyone to know the truth.

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Now she is swearing me to secrecy and is scared I'm going to tell my dad.

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I wonder if family therapy for all 3 of you might be worth trying? Secrets can just gnaw at a family. I hope your therapist can offer guidance.

Take care, almedafan. This new information must be so overwhelming. Please don't take your mom to therapy if you are not ready for it. (((((hugs)))))

[MissCharlotte]

(((((Almeda24Fan)))))

Your Mom's story sounds like it was very painful for her and also very painful to listen to.

I don't like secrets. I don't like parents asking their children to keep secrets. It bothers me. She feels shame about being abused and that is very sad, but I worry that it will become your secret. That's a heavy burden.

After my mother died I found out she had had an affair while we were growing up. I also found out that my father suspected his brother of being my brother's father. Who knows what the truth is? The bottom line for me was that my feelings about my relationship with my mother didn't change because of this new information. It explained some things for sure, about her seeming absence from my life at times. And, other memories and therapy have changed my feelings but not the single piece of information.

Anyway, take gentle care. Best of luck with the session. I am glad T will help you sort this out.