Therapist yelled at me, afraid to come back

Hello everyone! I hope you can help me out with some tips for something that happened to me this past saturday.

I've been seeing this new therapist that specializes in
cognitive behavioral therapy. I used to have another therapist that was very kind and nice to me, so I'm used to relaxing sessions. I decided to stop seeing her because she couldn't help me end some obsessive self destructive thoughts. It was a sad choice to make, but I needed to find someone who could help me.

This new therapist is different, he asks more questions and is more active in therapy. So far things were going ok, but in our last session something happened that put me off and intimidated me a bit. I was talking about a family member that I dislike for certain reasons, and how guilty I felt that I spoke bad about them in front of a person who cares deeply for them. As I was speaking he interrupted me and yelled at me, basically he put in me in my place for judging others and said some things about true love and acceptance. I was completely shocked about this, mostly because I felt scolded, something that had never happened in my past therapy sessions. I started crying because I felt awful and helpless, and even a tiny bit humiliated.

He started lowering down his voice and finally asked me how I felt and what I thought about everything he had said. It took a moment for me to gain my confidence and reply that I was tired and I didn't have anything to say. He asked me if I wanted to continue with therapy and I just nodded because I didn't know what else to say in that situation.

As I left therapy I felt completely drained of any positive emotion. I was incredibly sad and came to the conclusion that I was not made for this world, that I was worthless. As the hours passed by I felt better and saw everything in a different perspective and he did say some interesting things that I could apply in the future to avoid emotional despair.

However I am afraid now. Truth is I feel ashamed of going back, I'm afraid he will yell at me again, and I'm afraid to ask him not to do it again because I don't want confrontation, I feel like a dog with its tail between its legs. I must go back and give this therapy a chance but I don't know how...

Any help will be appreciated! (I'm aware my english is not perfect, but feel free to correct any mistakes you may spot in my post, please! Thank you!)

Well, I can certainly understand why you would be afraid to go back! I have cried (a lot!) in therapy sessions but never because I had been scolded. I would not be ok with being scolded at all. And definitely not yelled at.

I have some questions, you don't need to answer them though.

How long have you been seeing this therapist?
Was he angry with you? Or being loud to make his point?
You said he said some helpful things in the midst of all of this. Did he say them when yelling at you, or after you started to cry, or before he started yelling?
What were the helpful things? Do you think this therapist has some unique knowledge?
Is it possible to switch therapists again?

Asking all that seems kind of nosy, but I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around what happened. If you don't want to answer, that is fine.

In answer to your question about how to go back, I have a couple of thoughts. If you can't ask him to not yell, could you write it down and hand it to him? What about calling him and talking about being scared to come back? Since you said that it helped to let some time pass, maybe you could let more time pass? I sometimes deliberately postpone making a decision until I feel more clear about what I want to do.

I don't think yelling at / scolding a client is ever okay for a T to do. The fact that he interrupted you to do this suggests he just lost his temper, so even if he gives assurances that he won't get angry again, it might be hard to trust that. I'm not sure I could move past this if it were me. Causing you to feel worthless and not made for this world is quite a serious injury.

Why do you say you must go back and give this a chance?

Did he apologize? If not you might wan to search for a new t.

I would not go back to that one. There's no place for judging you like that. The yelling or raising his voice makes it even worse, but the judging alone--and in the context of shaming you for judging, when you felt guilty about what had happened--not a good sign. Also, leaving there feeling worse about yourself because the therapist berated you? That's not therapy. That's like a family get together.

Ironically, this T totally judged you, something he was yelling at you not to do.

I'm really sensitive and this would be a deal breaker for me. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Do you have other T's that you can interview? Do you think giving him another chance is wise? Keep us posted.

So,it was helpful to you?

I guess I would have needed to be there and hear the entire conversation before jumping to my own conclusions about it.Although you didn't appreciate being "yelled" at(was it actual yelling or just a raised voice?)in the long run it was helpful.

My therapist yelled at me once(I call it yelling but in actuality it was a raised,stern voice) and I was very upset about it for quite awhile.But it ended up being very helpful in the long run and I am grateful that he spoke to me in a way that really got my attention and really made me stop and think.

Btw,what he "yelled" at me was DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU ARE BEING ABUSED?

Had he not used the tactic he did,I don't think I would have realized it.

I personally feel he might have yelled at you for a specific,intended purpose,for a way for you to realize something,to learn something or maybe even confront something.And it's probably best to flat out ask him about it.

But then again,I could be so totally wrong and he could just be an asshole,either way though,it might be worth finding out.

Hi there.. I can only speak of how I would handle a situation where my therapist raised her voice at me and I can tell you it wouldn't go well. IMO the last thing a therapist should do is yell at or scold a client! We are there for support and guidance, encouragement.. not to be reprimanded.
Maybe there is a reason that you want to go back , ultimately that is your decision.. but remember you do not have to be subjected to verbal abuse, especially from a therapist!!
Oh, and by the way, you write well.. I understood perfectly : )

I kind of believe that we learn to be compassionate and less judgmental by receiving compassion and non-judgment from others. I don't think yelling can work that way. What your therapist did would not be okay with me and I think I'd dump them and run.

It's not ok to be yelled at in therapy, I'm not surprised you feel scolded and it's absolutely fine to go back and tell him how you felt - his response will tell you a lot about whether you can work with him.

In saying that, I don't think I've ever found my therapy sessions nice and relaxing. They're hard, challenging, painful work and sometimes my T will be very direct and strong in what she says to me. It doesn't always feel good, but we have a good relationship, she's never harsh and certainly doesn't yell. Your last T couldn't help you, possibly because she didn't challenge you the way this T did - not an excuse for yelling but if you found what he said has made you think and might be helpful, it could be worth talking to him about how he said what he said.

Hi there,

this sounds like a truly awful experience.
As others have said already: I would advise you to take this back to your therapist and talk to him about how you felt in this situation and why. Be open with him, tell him you were scared, that you felt judged and scolded.

I have situations like this coming up with my therapist every now and again. (not the yelling part, but the feeling judged and put down). For me, this tends to come up simply when I feel that my therapist's opinion/perception differs from my own. And in situations like that, just her disagreeing with me will propell me into a tunnel of shame and fear. Also I know, that I tend to feel quite "young" in situations like this - indicating that these could be pretty intense emotions from when I was little and unable to handle those emotions. Bit of an emotional flashback really.

And I tend to do quite a bit of projecting in those situations: My perception of my therapist literally shifts: I percieve her and her voice as stern, hard, unforgiving - even though she is not.
I don't want to invalidate your perception and your feelings. But is there a chance that something similar has been going on here? That your therapist might have been "firmer" in his voice and because this triggers something inside you it blew out of proportion in your perception? This doesn't make it any less important or painful, but it could be some explanation for what has been happening and the dynamics that could be at work.
Please feel free to dimiss those thoughts if they don't make any sense to you.

Try to talk to your therapist about it. If he reacts kindly and friendly and affirming and receives your emotional pain with kindness and tries to find out what has been happening for you, then this will be a chance to grow and to find out more about yourself.
If he dismisses you, or belittles your experience from last session I wouldn't go back afterwards, as this would be abusive behaviour in my perception and if he did it once chances are he would do it again.

It sounds like you need to find some one else. If you don't like the person, find one that you can get along with.

I am with merecat and cinnamon on this one.
It sounds like this COULD be a productive relationship, providing you can tell him what your feeling and have him accept and validate your feelings. Also providing you can work out him getting his message across as effectively, only without you feeling shouted at.

If your first Therapist had hit a wall and was unable to move you any futher forward then a change is obviously needed.
However you should Never be leaving feeling humiliated or afraid and that definately needs addressed .

All the best, please explain to him what you explained here and hopefully he will listen and address the problems. Do not be afraid to walk away if it still feels wrong. This is about YOUR healing.

Thank you so much for all the replies! I never thought I'd had so many! I'll try to answer some questions.

We've only had 4 therapy sessions so far, and when he yelled he did seem a bit angry, and even surprised by what I had said. At first when he raised his voice he basically said that I was no one to judge people, but to be honest I don't exactly remember because I was a bit shocked by his reaction, it was completely unexpected. After I started crying he lowered his voice but kept talking.

The helpful things he said basically were that if we love someone we must accept them they were they are, even those things they do that annoys us shouldn't be a big deal because in the end we love them and that's all that matters, because we cant change people in the same way they cannot change us. Then he said that other people's business aren't obviously ours and if we want to help them all we can do is ask if they need help, and if they refuse then there's nothing else we can do, and thus we should stop feeling helplessness.

I'm not sure he has an unique knowledge. But my conclusion was that I'm supposed to mind my own things and leave other people be, even if I love them.

I feel like I have to go back because there aren't many therapists where I live, and he's not charging me much. I also don't want to "quit" when things get difficult, I'm very sensitive and I feel like a need to grow a backbone, plus my mom thinks I need to give him a chance.

This is why I think it would be good to go back as well, maybe his technique will be helpful in the long run...

When the session ended he asked me if he could give me hug, I agreed, and he said that he was confident that I could overcome my problems. He didn't exactly apologize, but maybe that was his way of being comforting?

I just want to avoid confrontation with him, but I can't bring myself to go into his office again without feeling very small.

This actually makes a lot of sense as well. I have this theory that my anxiety spiked up because I tried to be the perfect daughter, the perfect granddaughter, the perfect student, the perfect friend, etc so when criticism would ocasionally come it made me feel like a total failure, and it would hurt so bad that I had the need to dig my nails as deeply as I could into my skin.

I've stopped doing that after talking to my other therapist, but unfortunately now I have a different reaction when I "sense" that someone is disapproving of me, and I just lash out and get angry.

Maybe I sensed my therapist disapproval and that made me feel even worse, which means I have to work on that as well.

I think you have gotten a lot of good feedback. And you are obviously open to suggestions, and don't seem to take any of it as criticism. Which from what you wrote sounds like growth. I hope none of the answers you got made you feel like you were being critiqued.

It sounds like you are going to go back, and I support that decision. It may be really hard to tell t about no yelling, but for me if I didn't say something I would always be afraid that it was going to happen again. But I tend to not trust, so maybe that is more about me than you.

By the way, your realization that you can't change other people, nor help them if they don't want help is quite right. You sound very articulate and mature.

Hi guys!

I just wanted to give an update in case someone finds themselves in a similar situation. I went back to see my therapist and it was tough at first, but I did what some people adviced and I talked to him about the yelling. He said that sometimes people need to be shaken up a bit to get the point. I don't necessarily agree 100% but well, he was much calmer in the following sessions.

Thank you so much for all the support!

Hello guys!

I ended up leaving my therapist. He kept screaming and being agressive and it wasn't healthy anymore.

I'm glad I decided to give him a second chance but in the end it didn't work out.