Should a therapist....?

Should a therapist cry at any point in the session or at least her eyes tear up?

Or if she sees the condition of the client and her eyes seriously tear up in an obvious manner?

Is that normal or not?

It's never happened to me.
Does it make you feel uncomfortable? That's the main thing.
If you do, mention it. Then you can work it out.

Mine has teared up sometimes. I have some sad stories, and he's a bit of a sap. To me it's very natural that he would cry, and his orientation is very much about being genuine and connecting on a compassionate level. I think some therapists who work differently would be less free displaying their feelings.

If it bothers you it might help to talk about it. I think people's responses to therapists' tears tend to vary a lot, so it's not unusual to feel uncomfortable with it.

I have never seen it, but i think it makes them seem more human, if they are tearing up about you. I think it would make it seam like they were really listening to what you were telling them, but this is my own thought. It really depends on how you feel about it. Sending hugs your way.

Well this was a while ago. My anxiety/schizophrenia was so bad that people could actually feel my anxiety. It sounds horrible but I went through it. It was because I was bottling up my emotions/secrets.

So I went to her thinking she would be a non-judgemental person. When she saw me... she clearly noticed that not only my anxiety was bad... it made people notice it... just by feeling it.

So I told her about my secrets etc. that I was bottling up and then she made a gesture with her hand.. that my guts had turned upside down and then she teared up... like in an obvious manner.

At that time I was too naive to think anything but now that I look back... it was really a bad thing cuz I was so self-destructive and I stopped going to her bcas of that tearing up.

And it cost me so much. I can't do anything now... what is done is done but I wish she hadn't teared up and I would have continued going to her and maybe I wouldn't be in deep deep sh#t that I am in today.

It's happened to me. I don't like it. It's not about their emotions.

It isn't about should or shouldn't.....it is about being human, having empathy, etc....therapists aren't robots.

It isn't like (we) they can prevent tears.

I think tears can be controlled and I would not like a therapist who cried. I chooose therapists who are more in control of themselves.

I'm really sorry, rep97. That sounds very painful.

You can show empathy without crying. It is also entirely possible for an adult not to cry even if they feel like it.

What's more important, them showing their emotions or the client? Look at the damage it did the op.

I've never had a T cry or tear up in front of me. I wouldn't like it. It would cause me to take the focus off myself and turn it to the T. Plus it would make me feel uncomfortable.

I had a teacher in hs cry over me. I missed a day of school and she thought the worst. So when I came back, she was relieved. Still was awkward.

We are all different and want different things from other people. Our Ts included. Personally, I would want my T to be with me in whatever emotion I am displaying, when I can manage to display them. If she started tearing up when I wasn't then I wouldn't like it but if she showed a tear or two if and when I can cry in front of her then that would be good for me.

We need to be able to tell our Ts what we do and don't want from them and they should respond to that, in my opinion. But then I am in humanistic counselling and this is a big theme in this model.

Sorry you went through that and that you ate struggling now. Are you planning on starting therapy again, with her or anyone else?

'Should'? I don't know. I see my T as being a strong, emotional woman that isn't shocked. She's heard many stories. I've seen her chest rise as she breathes in the pain. I've seen her gentle smile. I don't see tears as being needed. Maybe by a young person in training. My story is no more needing tears as anyone else's.

Yes, and tears in the eyes of a therapist would be a great distraction or even a deterrent for me.

Not sure we can apply "should" to this. Sometimes it just happens. I would hope it doesn't happen often, but I've had it happen at least once with each of my therapists at some point. I didn't find it particularly bothersome; in fact, under the circumstances at those particular moments, it seemed pretty natural. They weren't like weeping or anything, just a few tears they had to wipe away.

I don't know if it's normal or not. It does bother me that anyone would say that people can choose to not cry. It may be for some people they can control crying. I know I can't, and I hate it. For therapists, I would think they have more distance and can manage for an hour. Like mouse said, no one story is more worthy of tears than another. I'm not sure what kind of message it sends if the therapist is doing a lot of that. But tearing up or something, if it happens rarely, isn't a big problem in my view.

I agree with this. I told my t the other day something very similar - how much I appreciate the fact that she allows herself to be human, this wasn't about crying per se but because she had gotten aggravated with me at our previous session (which was totally understandable to me because I saw how I was acting too) anyway I told her it is good with me that she did, because I don't want to sit across from a robot talking about my deepest darkest. I want a human being and that is what she is. She gets little tears sometimes, she gets aggravated on the very rare occasion, stuff like that. We talk about it when it happens, and it helps me feel connected. The relationship between me and t has been a huge part of my healing and her allowing herself to be human allows for that relationship. (speaking for myself only here of course.)

Having said what I just said above, I agree with this too! About tears being controlled. While my t does allow herself to be human, it is always within the professional framework if that makes sense. I would not want her to sit there and sob and wail, no. But little tears, that she quickly controls and wipes away, yes. That is helpful for me.

My aren't I diplomatic this morning?

I think the should is just fine, actually, because I think we can all agree that a therapist should not do anything that might upset the client - especially on what sounds like the first appointment? And that's the real question here.

rr, to clarify my statement about being able to control crying, I meant more being able to control crying on someone else's behalf in a circumstance that might not be helpful in a relationship where you're the "adult" - like a therapist for a client or a parent doesn't necessarily need to cry because their child is crying, even if it pains them.

rep97, I'm really sorry that happened to you. I'm not exactly clear on why the tears made you never go back?

Thanks for this, I can't control it either. I can usually hold off for a few minutes but not if I don't sense it coming and don't get enough warning. And while holding off from crying I can't speak or think much about anything except the excruciating effort not to cry; I am basically hollering at myself inside my head which means I may not even hear what's being said.

There are physiological differences in how easily people get teary-- there are hormonal reasons (e.g. testosterone reduces crying, prolactin may increase crying), and there are stress-related chemicals released in tears that some people produce an excess of and have more need to get rid of. So, we're not all alike in our ability to cry or not to cry, there are physical differences.

I think it's the most natural thing in the world to cry. Where I was raised, it was acceptable for a man or woman to cry, tear up or show whatever emotion was building inside. If a person feels something why would they hold back? What's wrong with being who you are? If a T teared up with me, I would be thankful they felt comfortable enough and strong enough in themselves to show emotion. It's OK and even an admirable trait iMO.

My therapist hasn't cried in front of me ever, but he has told me several times about how he cried with another client. I feel like my issuies haven't really touched him.

Once when I shared my personal issues with my supervisor, she had tears in her eyes. I think that's when I knew she was the right supervisor for me and that she actually cares (it was three years after we started working together).

But I do have a need to be heard and have an impact on people and have someone feel my pain. If you feel uncomfortable with your therapist's tears, it's okay to mention it and it might bring up useful material for you, as well as help your therapist help you better.

I've never seen (to the extent that I've looked at them or noticed anything) a therapist cry in front of me.

I wouldn't think any the less of them if they did though and it also wouldn't make me not want to see them.

However, my instinctive reaction is to withdraw when I observe any caring / concern type emotion from them (including facial expressions). In these cases, I tend to totally freeze up -- > withdraw a long, long distance (internally, I'd like to move to a separate continent from them) -- > build a massive, massive fortress all around me -- > gingerly observe this strange phenomenon they seem to be displaying from a great distance, preferably using a high-powered instrument of some sort -- > withdraw further and place the distance of a couple of continents between us upon perception of any movement towards me.

So, to sum up, I would have no idea what to do if they showed such emotion. It would be like being on an ancient expedition of some sort, for which I'm entirely unprepared.

I believe so, it helps to see that they care and not just sitting there like a blank slate. Plus not always controllable and we shouldn't expect that.

But I finally said something about seeing my T tear up and now he wants to talk about it. Little scared.

There are techniques you can learn to keep from crying. If you don't mind crying, then fine, but I dont want a therapist who emotes all over the place. And who can't control herself. I don't cry and don't see therapists who can't control themselves.