[rainbow8]

For the first time in 6 years, T made a mistake and I had to wait an extra hour for my appointment. At least I didn't miss it. I didn't mind sitting in the waiting room and reading. Has that happened to anyone? She said she told me about the change in time but I know she didn't, and didn't email to remind me either.

I was disappointed because I thought T could give me advice about showing artwork but she said she didn't know. If it was crossing a boundary to help me, she would have said. I feel like she got me this far and now abandoned me.

She gave me play doh to play with while I was trying to tell her some of the difficult, disgusting stuff. Well, it's not disgusting to her, only me of course. She doesn't like to do EMDR every week, but every other one. I asked and she said, no, there is no special training about discussing anatomy and sexuality in social work training. I guess I'm lucky that she has no problem with it.

I felt like throwing the play doh at her at one point and told her. I didn't think I was angry, just had built up tension.

I'm not sure why I'm depressed. I don't think it's because of my session, just my life in general. I'm back to emailing after my session, so I told her. It may be the weather, dreary and wintry, affecting my moods. Just trying to take it day by day. Missing my husband being in my life.

Yes, a couple of times over the years there were mix-ups with session days or times. It happens sometimes. Glad it was just a delay.

I don't understand how not knowing information about displaying artwork is abandonment. If she doesn't know, she doesn't know. Maybe I'm not understanding something.

Sorry you are feeling low. Winter can do that to people. Not enough healthy light exposure.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Yes, a couple of times over the years there were mix-ups with session days or times. It happens sometimes. Glad it was just a delay.

I don't understand how not knowing information about displaying artwork is abandonment. If she doesn't know, she doesn't know. Maybe I'm not understanding something.

Sorry you are feeling low. Winter can do that to people. Not enough healthy light exposure.

Thanks, lola. T is an artist who has sold her work and has had shows. Obviously, she knows something about it. She encouraged my painting and always said, yes, you'll have a show. A few years ago she even told me where she thought I could show it, but now she says she doesn't remember! I believe her but feel like she let me down.

[rainbow8]

The body stuff...it's like we were having an ordinary conversation. Something is bothering me about that too but can't figure it out yet. If T is right, I'm not disgusting, then it's not an issue anymore. Poof! All better?

If being able to talk about it is feeling like ordinary conversation, that would be an improvement, right?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

If being able to talk about it is feeling like ordinary conversation, that would be an improvement, right?

For T, it was like ordinary conversation. I felt embarrassed but stayed present, especially after T gave me the play doh to play with. I just can't believe that I could tell T what I did. I asked to say a word and she did, over and over. Then I did. I don't think it's so important in my life or maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I will have another partner before my life is over.

[kecanoe]

I can see where having an embarrassing conversation would make you feel like yuck. Sounds like a tough session-first, the rejection of the scheduling mistake, then the abandonment over your art, then talking about stuff that is hard to talk about (and from what you said, maybe stirred up feelings of loneliness).

Can you do something nice for yourself?

Rainbow
Where are you with the loss of your husband? Have you grieved this loss yet, it's a year since he passed, is that right? This time of the year must be hard for you there sounds like a misattunement between you and your t tonight. She had an agenda for your session but you had other ideas, does your t know how much you missed your husband today?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I can see where having an embarrassing conversation would make you feel like yuck. Sounds like a tough session-first, the rejection of the scheduling mistake, then the abandonment over your art, then talking about stuff that is hard to talk about (and from what you said, maybe stirred up feelings of loneliness).

Can you do something nice for yourself?

I bought Grace Vandervaal's CD, you know the 12 year old who won America's Got Talent. Listening to her makes me feel good!

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Rainbow
Where are you with the loss of your husband? Have you grieved this loss yet, it's a year since he passed, is that right? This time of the year must be hard for you there sounds like a misattunement between you and your t tonight. She had an agenda for your session but you had other ideas, does your t know how much you missed your husband today?

I don't know how to answer you. I haven't talked about my H a whole lot in therapy because I saw the hospice grief counselor. I tend to avoid grief. My T knows my conflicted feelings. I feel free but I miss him. I didn't think about missing him until after the session. When my Mom died I did the same thing. I haven't grieved for my Dad either. Sometimes I do. I cry for all of them and for the inevitably of death. Sorry if that's triggering. Thank you for remembering, mona. Yes, it's a year already.

[velcro003]

Wow, I can't believe it has been a year!

Yeah, it probably is a combination of all of the things you said that has made you feel sad and depressed after the session. It sucks when that happens, doesn't it? I also don't think its a bad thing you e-mailed her, do you?

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

The body stuff...it's like we were having an ordinary conversation. Something is bothering me about that too but can't figure it out yet. If T is right, I'm not disgusting, then it's not an issue anymore. Poof! All better?

Could a part of it be that you are now realizing that you have been making good progress lately and know that one day your time with t will come to an end because you are "all better?" Sometimes that thought totally depresses me!

[growlycat]

Im so sorry rainbow. Did the anniversary of his death happen this week ? Maybe that was something you wish t remembered?