[retro_chic]

So my session tonight was intense. I started off by telling T that I felt the last session didn't go very well and how I didn't want to be there and I couldn't process what she was saying. I then went on to confess that I wasn't doing as "okay" as I'd been saying for the past few weeks and that I didn't want to tell her because I was worried she would be disappointed in me and think that I wasn't trying hard enough. I started to get quite emotional at this point and could feel tears forming but I was determined not to let them fall. One did.

I don't know why but I still don't feel completely "safe" in therapy. Anyway, at this point I kind of shut down and T asked me what I wanted to do and if I wanted to just sit in silence for a while. I thought about it and decided to talk about something else that was less emotional. Somehow that topic only lasted a little while and we got back to talking about how I was holding back on talking about something. After T asking me a bunch of questions about what was holding me back I realised there was no way I could move forward until we discussed it.

I told T that I was worried about how I was going to cope without her over the Christmas break and I was wondering if I could have some sort of transitional object. I said it in a much more jumbled inarticulate way than that but T seemed to understand what I said. T asked me what I sort of "object" I had in mind and I said I wasn't sure. T also asked me if I thought giving transitional objects were something she normally does and I said no and T said something like how would you feel if I made an exception? I realised then I would feel very guilty if T were to make an exception for me. I think it was around this point that I started feeling a bit emotional again.

T didn't give me any idea as to what she actually thinks of transitional objects. I know that is the way psychodynamic therapy goes but it is so frustrating sometimes. Even when I say things like "I think I'm a failure" she never says anything to reassure me that I'm not so I just assume she agrees with me. I know that doesn't make any sense but yeah... I just wish she would give some clue as to what she is thinking!

this sounds very hard to be left like this in the "not knowing". I would be very frustrated. Is this how you imagined this session to go or had you planned it out before hand?
I don't see anything wrong with giving some reassurance when you need it. Do you feel this style of therapy is meeting your needs? I get the whole trying to empower the client into a place where they can contain their own emotions but we all know what happened years ago when babies were left crying for hours, alone and distressed they learned not to ask for anything because no one would come to their rescue. We all need to be held when we are feeling vulnerable and fragile, it's a basic human need to feel loved and have a sense of belonging. Maybe I am way off base here but I really feel for you

[runlola72]

I'm sorry your T wasn't any more helpful about the transitional object than mine was. I'm not sure what the point of her asking if you thought transitional objects were something she normally does. Did she sound like she would make an exception?
I get the psychodynamic part. My T is psychodynamic and also gave no indication was he thinks of TO's. ((Hugs))

I couldn't believe your t offered you a business card Lola, sometimes I am flabbergasted by the things our ts do!

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

this sounds very hard to be left like this in the "not knowing". I would be very frustrated. Is this how you imagined this session to go or had you planned it out before hand?
I don't see anything wrong with giving some reassurance when you need it. Do you feel this style of therapy is meeting your needs? I get the whole trying to empower the client into a place where they can contain their own emotions but we all know what happened years ago when babies were left crying for hours, alone and distressed they learned not to ask for anything because no one would come to their rescue. We all need to be held when we are feeling vulnerable and fragile, it's a basic human need to feel loved and have a sense of belonging. Maybe I am way off base here but I really feel for you

I'm not sure how I planned for the session to go but I didn't think I would bring up the transitional object topic. I brought it towards the end of the session with only 15 mins left so that's why T and I will continue the discussion next week. It is frustrating though especially now that I realise I have such mixed feelings about it.

In regards to the lack of reassurance from T, I didn't actually ask her for any and with my T if I don't ask something outright then I probably won't get it. I did ask her once before when I felt like I was "failing therapy" and she said something like "nothing is really good or bad in therapy, it is all just information that will bring us closer to reaching an insight". I guess that was reassuring but it wasn't quite what I had in mind. I found this article which kind of explains why T's don't like to give reassurance: https://lifeinabind.com/tag/seeking-...ce-in-therapy/

I really don't like feeling badly towards T; it doesn't mesh well with the idealised image I have of her which for reasons I'm not sure of is important to me

[retro_chic]

Sorry to be annoying but is there anyone else out there who could offer some sort of input here? I'm kind of struggling today and am feeling very alone/anxious/overwhelmed

[growlycat]

I wasn't sure if what I am about to say is supportive enough which is why I held back. Your dynamic with your t reminds me of a similar dynamic between myself and one of my first therapists in my teens. On the one hand, I liked him. He was very smart. Gentle and quiet. However he was extremely boundaried and withheld reassurance. No touch even if I was sobbing. Even if someone died. He wasn't comfortable with the warm fuzzy part of therapy that makes the medicine go down. (Ugh sorry I'm not a Mary poppins fan but it illustrated a point. ). Eventually I got worse and was hospitalized. We had a third party therapist conduct a consultation. The consulting t told me that I need a warmer and fuzzier therapist. Nothing she could say or do would change the kind of t he was. I was advised to seek a different therapist. I was devastated but in the end the consultant was right. My t at the time was a bad match for me.
I read about your situation and I get mad at your t for withholding basic human comforts. I don't think her style is right for you. I wasn't sure how to put all of that. I want better for you I suppose.
Have you ever asked your t outright if she feels you two are a good fit? Would she be surprised to hear how much pain she causes you?

[retro_chic]

Thank you for the reply growlycat.

I really can't bare the idea of finding a new T, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I don't think my T knows exactly how much pain this is causing me because I haven't told her. I'm trying my best to be honest and open with T but I still find it incredibly difficult. My T is warm just not in the touchy/feely kind of way. She is very empathetic and nonjudgmental which is nice but sometimes I need more than that.

Despite this being the most difficult round of therapy I do feel like it is the one in which I have progressed the most. I can actually feel my emotions in session rather than just being numb. I've also taken many more risks in sharing personal things than I ever have before. I think the problem is I have never explored my issues so deeply before and it is really highlighting my inability to self sooth.

[growlycat]

Maybe telling her all of this will make the difference? Maybe you can get what you need or some of it? Sorry I know how much being that attached can hurt. It's at least hopeful that you still need to bring it up. It's not like you brought it up and she was unresponsive.