Left feeling unstable

It's okay if people don't agree with my T's methods,it worked for me and that's what is important.We are all different and our needs are different too,I guess I got lucky that my T knew exactly what I needed.

I completely agree that we each have our own needs, which is why I believe the relationship - the specific t is a critical part of the process.

I am glad you found someone that works/worked for you CrispApple!

I agree with that completely.

My best guess as to why some t's might lose patience somewhere in the 2-3 year mark is because they had an expectation of what they thought the journey would look like and it isn't going that way... so ... Is that insecurity or a sense of failure or burnout? I don't know, very possible..

Could it be some on the client's side? also possible. While counseling is different than teaching or mentoring, I can relate to the feeling when I have tried to coach/mentor someone and somewhere after the 18-24 month period if that person is still coming to me with the same types of things and not appearing to be learning or changing (growing at the rate I expect) - I get frustrated. With that being said, I am not a trained therapist, I am not a trained teacher... I am in IT. So, like all of this type of stuff, perhaps I am just projecting my own stuff here.

Then you get to basic ebb and flow of relationship/team/group dynamics. In general, after 18-24 months the comfort level between people changes/shifts. I think about this in terms of co-workers and work teams. People that you are friendly and to some degree may feel like you know on a certain level but don't really know all the details of their lives. After working with them for a certain amount of time, you start to relax in how you communicate and part of the real you starts showing through. So maybe what some people are seeing is more of the real t with those t's that maybe have a significantly different personality than what they present in therapy.

All of this is just speculation...food for thought. There are no facts, no studies, no anything to back me on this ... so take it as a the ramblings of someone going through the process with their own neuroses. It has just seemed that those people here on PC that have been struggling with their t.. seem to be at about that 2-3 mark. So maybe it has just taken that long for the clients to realize that the pluses no longer outweighing the negatives that might have always been there.

I would have to say that I too would not want to be coddled in the way I think of that term. I do want my t to challenge my thinking when appropriate, while being supportive of my behaviors I guess.

I've been trying to figure out how to say this or what it really means to me, so I've been sitting with it for a day. Thank you for the food for thought. There is a fine line there, a fine balance. And I do believe while we all fall within a certain number of paradigms of issues.. the interventions needed will be unique to the individual.

Trigger maybe too much information

I am glad someone was able to say the words that connected with you. This post sounds like the Skies, I've seen on other posts.

Take care.

I don't think that explaining what the therapist is doing and not being an *** hole equals coddling

I just wanted to echo what you said about psychoanalysts. I think it's a myth that it's outdated because their is so much reference to Freud. But all therapies started from Freud, and the evolution of psychoanalytic thinking is similar to the evolution of any other construct.

However, I think having a 'bad' one can be more damaging then having a bad therapist of other orientations because of the intensity.

Most of us don't go as intense as you, wish more of us could. I wonder if that would be too intense for me. Those split-off, pre-verbal feelings surfacing quickly for me.

Thanks for posting on this thread.

I'm really sorry her stuff intruded on your therapy. It sounds horrible.
I find PC really supportive too. Glad you feel accepted. I'm certainly glad you are here.

I think the whole set up can be a re-enactment of sorts. The key is for the therapist to react differently, not the same/similar, as those whose behaviors led to the problems we find ourselves sorting through today.

I like Kohut too, but I don't understand the equation you wrote above as I"m not that familiar with the technical jargon. I do know the containment in therapy acts to regulate, it's sort of supposed to help glue the ego together. I am split into different parts, so I have many 'alter-ego's' i think.

I found not that many follow self-psychology in practice. Although most seem to be a mix, I think Object Relations dominates psychoanalytic practice. Therapists who incorporate Kohut seem more supportive, yet there is criticism that it isn't really psychoanalytic therapy. Not that this was the point of your post, just adding to the discussion here.

I answered part of your reply before, but not the rest.

I don't think it's common for therapists to tell a client what s/he is doing; not sure why. I don't see many people here questioning the technical aspects. I sure do, but I have a need to know to protect myself. I also think knowledge is empowering. Does your therapist inform you about what their doing?

Did you ever hear about the withholding stuff I mentioned earlier? Very curious, and I never heard anyone else here mention it. I think maybe it is supposed to be really subtle, not extreme.

I've thought of taking some therapist classes/seminars too. My therapist can be really vague about things, but I'd have a hard time if he went out of his way to keep me in the dark. At the same time, I rarely think to ask about it.

I am surprised you put up with that from your T1.

Skies
I really feel for you right now. I am sorry your t is a defensive jerk. I know it's hard to imagine trusting another t right now and starting over but why would you keep paying someone to cause you so much pain? I think I know the answer because I have been there. There is other therapists who may work out a lot better for. Yes, it's a risk but sometimes we have to take risks in order to get better

Does he really seem like a jerk? This thread only tells part of the story, I don't post about good things. He has stuck by me all this time. But I would have rather known long ago that there was a rigidity involved, where no matter what happens, we have to continue the status quo regardless if it works for me or not. And that I have no say in anything.

I'm feeling a lot better in terms of stability (until the trauma feelings flow in again), but the one thing that just keep eating away at me is-I'm having a lot of external struggles right now, I just don't have the mental resources to devote to this level of intensity. I want to be able to work together in a more supportive way until I get past some hurdles. He pushed me too far, past my limits and now I'm injured so to speak.

For example, really struggling with my job-it is so hard right now. And some health problems. Pushing me this hard when i have the external issues has felt damaging.

I don't understand why we can't make an adaption until I have more resources. It's like he thinks it's my childhood wishes rather than the reality of my life, like "my way or the highway". That's the worst part. Like he thinks i'm trying to manipulate him into changing to satisify childhood wishes rather than agreeing on ways of doing therapy differently so that it doable. It feels traumatizing to me that he doesn't acknowledge the struggles that I face on a daily basis.

It doesn't make sense to take on a client, then when they are in a tough spot, to say-oh, too bad, if you can't do the therapy the hard way, we can't do therapy at all. Sorry you got so attached and invested in me and opened up to me over the past 3+ years, but now you have to go find someone else and start over from the beginning and go through the whole process of trusting, attaching, opening up, telling your story all over. Adding another 3-4 years onto your therapy process....including going through dozens of therapists to find the right one.

And now that you are emotionally, mentally, and cognitively drained from this therapy, good luck materializing and sustaining the will, motivation and energy to start over again! Sorry you tried so hard and devoted so much effort to make things work all this time only to end up having to start over from the beginning again. Sorry, take care!

He didn't say this, but when I bring it up, I have a feeling this will be the result.

I'm mentally drained right now. I have no resources to leverage. Like finding outside support-I can't even manage the appointments and meetings and to do list I have, and they are adding up. Thinking of adding another 'task' adds to my overwhelment. Such as making time for a new friend, for example. I can't even get my daily tasks done, let alone invest in relationships. I need to get caught up and take care of things that exist now. I can't manage my affairs now, let alone add more.


Thanks Elio. That was really sweet. It's been so long since I heard any kind words from another human being. It's been really supportive here.

Thanks for your reply and the other one too. In answer to your question: Yes, mainly because I tell her what I read here on pc, and after she takes a deep sigh, she tells me she is not doing those things, and doesn't do things without my knowing. My therapy isn't going to work if I'm kept in the dark, so yeah, it's all explained.

I actually see quite a lot of people here question the technical aspect. It often results in big arguments that get threads shut down.

I question the technical aspects a lot too. I need to know how something this abstract is supposed to work. An internal combustion engine, I can get an explanation for easily, therapy, especially when it varies so much by therapist, can only be explained by the individual therapist.

Very good point. And I didn't question my therapists very much, nor was the last one particularly interested when I had a perspective different from hers.

Maybe, could you bring it up? And if the response is what you expect, then. . .

Do you really need more therapy at this point to get "over the hump" so to speak? Do you really need a therapist to "contain" things for you still?

I dont know here today. I think if i had someone close to me, this would be a nom issue. Should have gotten married long ago.

Its nearly impossible to expand a social life and date with depression like i have. Thats one major reason im in therapy. Not why i started it though, ptsd was why i started therapy.