Do you set rules for your therapist?

No. 4/DBC complained today and last session that the list of rules of things she is and isn't allowed to do/say with me keeps growing and is constricting her.

As I see it, I have four basic rules:

1) No art therapy/sand trays/dance moves/role playing/yoga poses/psychodramatics in session.
2) No touching/getting near me. (I suppose this might be a boundary.)
3) No doing or saying anything therapist-y. (Admittedly, the list of such things keeps expanding.)
4) No putting pressure on me/pushing me.

I get the feeling she's not used to this. You would think that for someone who claims to and prides herself on thinking outside the box, this would be a challenge to rise to, but apparently not.

I'm not looking for advice here, or suggestions to change therapists, or suggestions to loosen up - it's my therapy and I'll set rules if I want to. But I want to know how common rule-setting is, what the rules are, and how the therapist adapts.

I wanted to say uh no... but then I realized that I told her no to one thing ... so yes I guess I set a rule/rules.

Dream work on my terms.. and we absolutely do not talk about a specific dream, we don't even talk about talking about that dream. It is off limits.

Most the time though, she lets me lead and doesn't really suggest anything, so not a lot of rules for me to set.

Yep. I have gone as far as to say, "don't ****ing do that again ever."

That seems odd. I thought therapists were supposed to "meet the client where he/she's at."

I don't know that I've set rules as such. Certainly I've never sat down with a list and read it out. Closest I can imagine is setting rules/boundaries in that subtle, unspoken way we do all the time in interaction.

If I bring up X with a friend, and they bristle, I learn that they don't want to talk about X--it's their rule. Similarly, my T has brought up things, I've bristled, and he tends to drop those things. Or tread really carefully around them, anyway.

Unless you count the time I hysterically shrieked "I don't ever want to go into an exam room with you ever again!" I guess that might be an explicitly stated rule.

But, but, but, therapy is my (primary and very satisfying) outlet for my passive-aggressiveness.

Stating explicit anything would just mess with it.

But isn't that where the healing starts?

I think she is trying to do that (or thinks she is), she just feels I'm cutting off her options by explicitly stating what she sees as comprehensive rules and then further defining them.

I have set one explicit rule. I felt T was trying to hint that I try doing something I very much did not want to do. I kept feeling like he was dropping hints, intentionally or not, and I finally said if he broached it again I would have to stop coming. He has respected my wishes without complaint or argument.

I voted yes, but only because my therapist has said she tries hard to follow "your rules." I can really only think of being adamant about limiting her positivity, which I was really strict about for the first two years--as in none was allowed--and now my resolve seems to be cracking.

I think there was something else that I can't remember, but she said she'd learned her lesson not to do. Until she does it again, I guess.

I pick my battles. So far, I think the balance is good. No other therapist even acknowledged how I wanted things done, and it never went well. She has at least been trying, and the result is that I'm doing better.

Why do you bother going to therapy?

T1 isn't allowed to CBT me.

For both T1 & T2, I had to outlaw EFT. I will not be "tapping" myself ever again. And no deep breathing, etc...it only makes things worse.

And they can't ask me where I feel things in my body, because I don't & that question drives me nuts.

Overall both have accommodated quite well. If one slips up (which is rare), I have no problem reminding them what doesn't work for me.

Why do you bother to ask a question like that when I was quite specific that I did not want such comments in the OP?

I don't think I've set any rules for my T. I'm cool with whatever she does. She has set some rules for me though. Like no hugging (lame), no driving past her house (understandable), and that she won't answer super personal questions (also understandable, but kinda sucky for me too).

Not that I can remember but yes I probably did give her the message not to do a certain thing or things in the beginning, by telling her what hadn't worked before. I don't consider that a rule but T might. I'd have to ask to be sure.

I can see how that would be frustrating for her--though I'm not sure her frustration has any place in your therapy.

Actually, I was pretty tempted to say a T's frustration has no place in the client's therapy, but on second thought I'm not so sure that's true. I suppose one has the right to decide that for one's self--set a rule about it, if you will--but I can see a therapist's sharing his/her frustration/viewpoint being useful.

I think I get to make the rule that "I don't ever want to go into an exam room with (T) ever again!" But were my T to gently point out that this precludes in-vivo exposure therapy and thus frustrates his ability to treat my medical phobia...well, he'd have a point.

ETA: 'Course, that would be rather presumptuous on my T's part. As though his treatment plan were more important than my....comfort? Opinion? Dignity? Not dissolving into an hysterical ninny?

Anyway, I, personally, would be willing to negotiate my rule. But I don't think there's anything wrong with having rules--hard and fast or otherwise.

Oh, and I won't close my eyes unless she closes hers too. But that hasn't happened in a couple years.

True. But psychodrama is hardly the only therapeutic method out there (I told her straight out at the beginning that I worked best with psychodynamic and humanistic, with which she was fine), and for someone who really really prides herself on not being a stereotypical therapist...she should not even have "and how does that make you feel?" on her radar screen.

But how does that make you feel, ATAT?

Hahaha. Yeah, I think you've got a point.

Of course I do. Why would one let a therapist run roughshod? I do not have that many, and they are not difficult or complicated. But I most certainly do have them and I insist upon them.

With my last t sparky my only hard rule was no raising his voice at me while in my car working on my driving phobia. My softer rule was to balance structured therapy with some flexibility and support. No Cbt worksheets without asking me first and making a good case for it.

With newer t Kashi my only hard rule is to remember stuff I say and to be present and focused during my time. And no walking the previous patient by me in the waiting area. In turn I stay in the side waiting area away from the elevators.

I may request less shooting the sheet and more workee please

The only rule I have is that if I say I don't want to talk about something, we don't.
Although I think I would also have the no psychodrama or dance moves rule. None of them has ever suggested such a thing. I don't mind having the suggestion that I draw something between sessions (I don't always do it). And I have never seen a sand tray. Not sure how I would feel about that.
I don't have the don't say anything therapist-y rule, but I do roll my eyes at T1 when he does that and he always laughs and apologizes.
And there is no yelling or shaming.
So actually, I guess I do have some rules. They just don't ever get near enough to breaking them that I have to say the rule.

There are unspoken rules (i.e. no yelling), and a lot of rules that haven't needed to be said (i.e. no role playing, no talking to someone who is not in the chair, no where do you feel x emotion, etc.) There are a few spoken rules I have for her: no saying the words about my secret, must listen to me, when I say stop it means stop. But honestly, I don't have that constricting of rules for her.

i asked my T if i could slap him one time. he said yea, so i did. maybe we dont have rules...

Next time DBC annoys me, which will probably be Monday, I may ask her if I can do that...

Rules? I like therapy because it exposes rules for what they are.