[lauren_helene]

I saw my p-doc today because we had a follow up visit scheduled since Lamictal is the new addition to my meds right now. I told her too much I think.

There was no time to give her the real history of this dysfunctional mess I am in. She is probably wondering now too what I am doing to cause all of this. Why can't I just shut up! I really need to talk to my T. He always knows what to say and do. Wednesday is so far away.

Since last session, when my mom came with me, I have been a complete mess. There are so many up and down moments that I am having a full blown anxiety attack.

I have no idea who to trust. For the past three months, and one at a time, my brother, mom and dad will have come to see us.

My dad is scheduled for Sept 21-23rd. Two have been to therapy with me and it hasn't been good for me either time. Luckily, I won't be taking my dad with me to therapy. I would never even ask him. He is so irrational.

I am panicking because all three of my family have admitted that if there is a problem in this marriage, it is me and they side with my husband.

My husband has admitted fueling the fire. I feel so trapped right now it is scary. I stay up late so that I don't have to sleep in bed with him long. I am so tired.

I'm not perfect, I've made some minor mistakes but nothing that should cause this kind of reaction. It's the reaction my family has had toward me since almost the day I was born.

I'm lost in confusion right now. Do I stay? go? If I stay how do I survive?

My son is all that matters to me. I may be a bit over-scheduled with work, studying and such but he is my first priority and always will be.

Oh I better go and pick him up. I feel like my husband is keeping score or something...or is that more of my paranoia?

Sorry this post is a mess.

[MyBestKids2]

((((((alameda24fan))))))))

sending soft gentle hugs if thats ok

[MissCharlotte]

((((AlmedaFan))))

Trust yourself. You are trustworthy.

I know that when I look for validation from my family of origin, I meet the same walls you are facing.

You are a good mother. Give yourself time and you will know the answers from within.

Take gentle care and try and be good to yourself.

[sunrise]

(((almedafan)))

You have a lot on your plate right now and are very stressed out. The strain of a marriage that you have grown to doubt is huge. I have been there with the going to bed late so we don't have to sleep together (much) behavior. I think you need time to sort things out, and your marriage and son are more of a priority than longstanding dysfunctional relations with your birth family. Things haven't been working with them for a long time; it can wait to try to fix things with them, if that is what you want.

I would recommend getting some stuff off of your plate right now, and would nominate the visit from your father. Can you tell him he won't be able to visit in September after all and you will welcome him in the future? Then the stress of his impending visit will be removed. You can work on coping skills with the help of your therapist, at this very difficult time.

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I'm lost in confusion right now. Do I stay? go? If I stay how do I survive?

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You don't need to decide anything right now, unless you feel you or your son are not safe. Just put one foot in front of the other, go to work, take care of your son and chores around the house, and get through it. And go to therapy and ask for T's help in sorting it all out and coping. Your PC friends are here to support you too.

And try to get some sleep! Even if it means sleeping in a different room at home for a while, it might be worth it. Lack of sleep is intimately intertwined with depression for many people. Guard your sleep. Take a nap at lunchtime if you can.

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I feel like my husband is keeping score or something...or is that more of my paranoia?

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There was a time I felt the same way. It is good to be well-established as an important caregiver in your son's eyes, in case there is a custody battle. If you feel yourself getting depressed, don't withdraw from your son.

Hang in there, almedafan. One step at a time. If you need to, please call your T. This is not about your attachment to him, this is about your being able to cope and get through each day, a reason for calling that any T could get behind.

((((hugs))))

[lauren_helene]

I wasn't able to call T last night like I wanted to. I called him on the way to work this morning around 7:00am. I left a message on his voice mail.

I think the only way to sort out what is paranoia vs what is real is to have T talk to me and my husband together. I am hoping to get a separate session so we can do this.

Of course, my husband can't do it until after 5:30 and T may be booked this week so we'll see.

My husband is now telling a whole different story claiming that he hasn't said or indicated much to my family. I just don't believe this...I don't know what to believe anymore.

Thanks everyone for responding to me. I hope T can call soon