i miss mr man :-(
i miss curling up around him...
i miss having him curl up around me...
i miss feeling safe and secure and cared about and loved
i miss feeling happy and warm and glowing inside
i miss the back of his wrists
i miss his stubbly face / short beard
i miss his smile and his laughter
i miss his coffee in the mornings
i miss his tickling me and pretending to beat me up
i miss his pout
i miss his 'yep yep yep yep yep - but'
and his 'i'm cooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwuuuuuld'
and his laughing at my 'widges' (potato wedges)

and thats why i'm feeling vulnerable and displaced right now.
i was all quiet in therapy last week.
silence.
comfortable silence.
but couldn't really figure what to say.
i feel a bit displaced and i couldn't figure why.
i miss mr man.
i feel fragile cause i miss mr man.
:-(
miss him
xxx
sigh.

[sunrise]

((((alex))))

Can you tell mr man that you miss him?

yeah. i can tell mr man that i miss him. and i do. we talk on the phone nearly every day, and i tell him that i miss him. he said he sent me a couple books through and they arrived yesterday. he wrote something in the book he wrote and said 'miss you' so that is nice. thought maybe i was being more attached than him... but maybe not. maybe he misses me too. i worry sometimes that i'm a bit annoying with how often i call. it is really hard for me to assess what he is saying. i guess i tend to worry that he is sending out mixed messages and saying 'its fine - its nice to talk to you' when he is sounding like he would rather be starting or ending his day. but i think i need to trust him more. his words. i think it is mostly about my insecurity. i really really really really like him - though i do freak out a little sometimes. black lines and malevolent intent. my %#@&#!, though. my %#@&#!. my insecurities. my fears. why is he interested in me again? he ruminates sometimes... i can be reassuring at times. help him get out of his head. only time will tell. but yeah, i miss his physical presence. the reassuring nature of his physical presence. feeling safe and warm and loved. holding him when he wimpers in his sleep. so big and safe and vulnerable at the same time. such a little boy with a fragile ego and kind words and watch him glow. i don't know... haven't really done this before. thought i was incapable of love. and maybe this won't work. but... i miss him. so much.

didn't tell my t any of this. but yeah, thats why i'm fragile right now. i miss mr man :-(

[LMo]

((( Alexandra )))

I miss arguing with him about whether we can do away with notions of 'moral responsibility' and the like and still have a workable legal and psychiatric system.
I miss us bemoaning the tradition of highly analytical philosophy.
I miss parts of his anatomy that I won't get into...
I miss his smiling eyes.
I miss his furrowed brow.
I miss his running up mountains.
I miss having to stretch out as far as I can to reach the bottom of his chin.
Sigh.

I worry that I'm forgetting what he looks like.
I worry that he will stop missing me.
I worry that he will meet someone else.
I worry that he will move on with his life and forget about me.
:-(
I worry that circumstances will conspire against us and we won't get to be together again.
I worry that I'll go down in his life story as a fling.
Maybe... A regretable fling.

I worry that I'm too %#@&#! up to be able to do healthy relationships.
I worry that I'm too clingy
I worry that I'm too closed
I worry that I'm unreliable
I worry that I push and pull
I worry that he will get sick of me
I worry that he will feel like he is looking after a little kid and that he doesn't want to look after a little kid
I worry that I'm not capable of a reciprocal relationship.

He told me that he knows I'm complicated and that having a relationship with me will be complicated...
But he is doing it anyway.
He told me that he sees a t and he tells me a bit about that...
He has hang ups too...

I just miss him so much. My secure base. My happiness inside. How long will his effect on me last? Will it go away over time so his presence doesn't make me feel this way? Is this an idealisation just waiting to turn into a devaluation?

I miss his social gregariousness.
I miss his social skills
I miss his ability to make me feel safe and part of groups
I miss his encouraging me to socialise more and being with me when we are having a good time.

I miss his boundaries.
I miss his telling me 'no'
I miss his respect for me and his checking I feel the same way in the morning before taking things to the next level
I miss his responsibility
I miss his respect for me making sure I'm not going to end up feeling used
I miss his telling me 'no'

Er... It is about his respect for me? Not about his having sexual hang ups or anything? I don't think it is... He was not going to kiss me after I told him I needed to slow things down and said I didn't think we should kiss... Then we went out and I got drunken and wanted to kiss him that night... And he wouldn't. Said we should wait and see whether I felt the same way the next day. And I did. And it was okay then. It was okay then. So... It is about respect. ? I think... I've never met anybody like that before... Self restraint... Amazing... I miss him so much...

I miss him quite a lot.
Sigh.

Miss you Mr Man :-(