Prospective New T Cancelled 3 Times in a Row

Since my wonderful long-term T retired a year and a half ago, I've had a horrible time finding a new T. After the last new T I tried committed billing fraud (I'm still fighting to get my money back), I decided to ask my insurance to find me a new T so there would be no billing issues and I wouldn't have to pay up front and then wait for reimbursement. So two weeks ago, I drove in for my first appointment. T never showed up. I called the office and was told she had an "emergency" so they rescheduled me. Last Monday, same thing. This time it was "family emergency." So, I rescheduled for Thursday. And this time, Wednesday night, I get a call to let me know she'll be out all week for the "family emergency." I understand that things happen and I'm sorry she is having this problem, but it's ridiculous that I had to make the drive out there and wait in the waiting room, never to be told what was going on until I called myself. It's also ridiculous that the office is scheduling and rescheduling appointments when they apparently know something is going on with her and she can't be reliable right now. Normally I would cut my losses and find a new t, but I've had nightmare after nightmare for a year and a half. I want to at least meet her once to determine if she's someone who had a legit emergency and her office f'd up or if she's a total flake. It's just so frustrating to think you're going to have that opportunity to talk and get therapy, prepare yourself emotionally, take time away from work, drive there and wait-- only for the session to never happen. It shouldn't be this hard to find a half-way decent, competent T!

Man, you and ATAT have terrible luck in finding good T's

I am sorry, scorpiosis. Yes it is not easy to find a responsible, competent therapist, at all. I would think cancelling/not showing 3 times in a row is a big red flag that something is not working well in that practice, be it the T or the office staff. I imagine you cannot contact the T directly if you have communicated with the office about this.

I have only seen private practice therapists who are out-of-network and manage their own business alone longer term but consulted with some within my insurance's network and I had generally worse experiences in a few ways with the latter. Submitting claims and getting reimbursements with my last T (I realize more and more how lucky I was finding him) was pretty easy. He would email me an invoice whenever I wanted and I had an insurance form filled out in my files - I would just need to sign the form electronically and upload to my insurance portal together with the invoice from the T. It literally takes 5 minutes. I also set it up in a way that I would submit claims about once a month (it could have been more frequent as well) and then I had a stead flow of reimbursement. Of course it also depends on the insurance company - my current one is particularly good but my previous one was a lot of trouble and very slow.

My first T screwed up about scheduling repeatedly, but the other way around... he would not take note of my in-advance cancellations and would call me during the expected appoint time, where I was. I got really upset when that happened 3 times and told him in a not-so-nice manner. He also often made mistakes putting his part on the insurance form - I had to bring them to him on paper and then snail mail because he was not willing to send electronic invoices. Would also argue with me about the appointment dates on the form because obviously he made no decent records. He had also proven quite incompetent in many other ways and in retrospect I think dealing with the scheduling and forms was actually a good sign that he was not very responsible managing his business and way of working.

If you had higher hopes for this T for some reason, perhaps it is indeed a good idea to give her a change to at least explain... *** happens sometimes and not always an good predictor of future outcomes. Handling a new client this way would be a bit stinky for me though.

Yeah, if the last T I saw had not committed billing fraud-- and I was not out thousands of dollars-- I could afford to go out of network and wait for reimbursement, which takes about 6 weeks with my insurance company. Unfortunately, because of what ex-T did, I don't have that luxury. I can only afford to do in network until I get my money back, and this is the only T in network who is available right now. The others have waiting lists and I have already been waiting a year and half for a competent T. The issue I want to talk about is changing careers (which I'm planning on) and I literally have 3 weeks before it's too late to change my mind. That's why I'm so upset she keeps cancelling and I can't find anyone else to see-- in 3 weeks it will be too late.

Not sure it would be suitable, but have you looked into career coaching services? There are also quite a few available online. I am not sure how much they cost, but if you would like career-related advice urgently, perhaps it's even better than a therapist, at least to talk with someone a couple times?

Yeah, it's like we each found a pretty good therapist, it ended, and there's been no one since who's as good.

Scorpiosis, I would probably give up on her, but could you call before you drive there to see if she'll be in?

Sorry this therapist isn't working out :-(

I agree with Xynesthesia -- the repeated cancellations are huge red flag. It could be a horrible coincidence that this T has had 3 family emergencies in a row, but it's not fair to you that you have to go into the office on three separate occasions and get told "sorry, T is out". That is unacceptable.

When my pdoc had a family emergency (which has happened to me twice), I got a call from his office telling me he wasn't going to be there and that we needed to reschedule. They had the professional courtesy to tell me beforehand (at least a few hours in advance). They didn't wait until I got there to say "sorry, pdoc is out".

I realize that family emergencies happen and sometimes there isn't always enough time to communicate that. *However*, three times in a row? THREE TIMES? No, that's not professional. I can understand it happening once or a few times, but definitely not 3 times in a row. Something there is off. But yes, do give this T the opportunity to explain herself if you want her and she's the only T you can get. It's the best (and only) thing you can do.

I do appreciate the suggestion, but I'm not really looking for career services. I've really already made my decision, but what I'm struggling with is what my identity is if I'm no longer an academic and how to explain my choice to my colleague-friends. I know that I'm doing the right thing if I want to move back to my home state, where my family/friends are, and start a family of my own. But I'm having those "what if's" in the back of my head-- what if I regret no longer being a professor, what if I regret no longer presenting at the conferences, and what if my colleagues judge me for leaving the profession. My dad has already asked me "why did you get a PhD if you're leaving academia and going into a field where you don't need one?" It's those kind of comments that rub me the wrong way and make we want to sort out my feelings with a therapist. And I basically have 3 weeks to decide for sure if I'm going to bite the bullet, pull out of a conference, leave the University when the semester ends, and move across the country.

In terms of practical stuff -- E.g. new job start date, a lease ending, sorting out finances etc -- is the 3-week deadline absolutely sacrosanct? Or, could you, for instance, stick around for an additional semester (not sure whether that would mean a whole new academic year or just a semester and how feasible / workable one would be over the other?) and take the time to make up your mind?

Mostly because I'd worry about the quality of any therapeutic insight I'd get from a T -- especially for a major life-changing decision -- who has seen me only for 3 weeks? In that sort of a situation, I'd be more likely to rely on the advice of friends who've known me for long (assuming such folks are easily available / have the time to parse stuff out with you etc)?

Speaking as someone who has temporarily left academia, albeit for a related field - go for it. You can still present at conferences if you can afford to go (and don't need to pull out of any, again, if you can afford to go). Your colleagues will probably be more admiring that someone has the guts to do it - a lot of academics don't want to be in academia. As for regretting not teaching, adjunct or community college courses can be taught in your spare time.

As for the PhD question, you could point out it likely means more pay in your new field. Or you could ask the person something like "why did you marry x if you were just going to divorce her?" Point made to any reasonably intelligent socialized person.

I'm not really looking for advice; honestly, I wish my friends would stop trying to offer it! I really just want someone to listen-- which I'm not really getting from my friends/family. I've already made up my mind-- I just want someone to hear me out and be supportive.

I've already worked out the logistics. I'm renting out my house (haven't listed it yet, but I took the pictures and determined the price), I've found a new place to live near my family, and I've already gone on one job interview-- have others lined up. I'm ready to make the leap. I just wish I had some support in the process. I'd love to hear someone say "I support your decision" as opposed to what my friends are doing-- which is questioning me about it and giving me their (unsolicited) opinions. I'm kind of hoping a therapist would do that.

Thanks. I really appreciate this!!

I'm pretty amazed at the resolution that all of this must have taken - especially without support from family and friends. I was someone who wanted to go into academia but depression, etc, got too bad and I had to drop out. Much MORE than going into any particular career or field though, I wish I had an inner voice that clearly directed me as to where I should be - that is truly invaluable!

Society places a high value on certain vocations and so there is a lot of pressure to stay in them. I hope you find the support you are looking for since you seem pretty decided on what YOU need and want. And agree that three cancellations like that is way beyond the pale!

My understanding is that you went to her office once and the other times they called. Of course once is too many and three cancellations is way too many. But you know in the circumstances I would give her one more try.

Well I discussed my existential dilemmas and recurring vacillation regarding my academic career with both of my therapists a lot. My second T made that leap himself: he started out as an academic, then moved into business, then became a therapist. To be honest, I did not find them too useful that way. I personally found more understanding and support among my colleagues who are familiar with the current, ongoing challenges. Some did make me feel almost ashamed that I even questioned the whole thing but I think those were not the people to listen to really, they were far too simple-minded or short-sighted and not thinking holistically. I stayed in academia and am happy with it now, pretty much settled and not questioning my choice, but it took many years to get to this contentment. I resolved it with doing other things in parallel. I never wanted kids so for me that was not one of the issues, more feeling limited and forced into a structure that felt uncomfortable for me when I was younger, and the rat race associated with maintaining it. Anyway, I'm past that phase but have found many academic colleagues who really understand and know these dilemmas first hand, intellectually, practically and emotionally. Perhaps it also depends on the specific field.

I went to her office twice. The third cancellation was by phone.

Thank-you. I really appreciate the kind words.

I can definitely relate to depression while on the academic journey; it's tough! I made it into the profession, but feel situationally depressed because it's just not where I want to be. The amount of sexism and homophobia and back-stabbing in a cultural studies department has been truly pretty shocking. One would think people who work in this area would have a better politic.

Thank-you. I have discussed things privately with a couple of colleagues, one who also considered making the change but decided to stay. It can be helpful, but I also feel judgment from them. But I'm also the only one who is a woman who wants kids. So few of my female colleagues have kids because, at least in our department, the demands make it untenable if you don't have a partner who can take on a lot of those duties. I just think I would be happier living in my home town (west coast, urban), near family and friends, working more like 40-60 hours a week instead of 80.

Well, working 80 hours a week long-term is brutal, whatever the profession and setting. I would say if your department demanded that, it's the healthiest decision to leave it even regardless of wanting to have a family. I also relate to being upset about the narrow-minded wold view of people who otherwise have extensive education in a field that is supposed to understand and embrace diversity. I worked in academic environments like that and it was suffocating and irritating.

My own psychotic depression was directly related to preferential treatment given to some people in the group I was in. Presumably if I had had the right childhood experiences and did not already have a chronic lower level depression, I would have been able to deal with the very obvious favoritism. If I hadn't idealized the person who was dishing it out, I probably wouldn't have got as sick.

in other departments there was also issues of boundary blurring and senior male staff manipulating females in various ways. Generally in humanities one DOES expect better behavior and encountering it - as well as not recognizing it for what it is - can be crushing.