[thesnowqueen]

When I used to arrive at the T that I saw for 8 years he used to give me the kind of friendly welcome just about any warm and familiar professional might give. He would say 'Hello' and 'go take a seat' and gesture towards the office. Often we would start with some trivia he had just come across, or whatever.

Since then I've seen 4 different Ts. One was sort of neutral but also quite self-involved so there wasn't a particular 'welcoming' expression or vibe. Another had a slightly rueful expression and would wave me in. A third had a definitely sympathetic expression and so does the 4th I'm now seeing. So, I'm realizing I find it somehow unpleasant that someone should look at me sympathetically before I've even sat down or opened my mouth. Is it condescending? Should I point it out to her? Does it imply something about the relationship that goes deeper than anything that can really be addressed in a conversation?

[satsuma]

Yes, I think if a T was overly "sympathetic" before we had even discussed anything, I would not like it. It might be subtly giving the message that you are a poor unfortunate person and even that you are different to the T and they are somehow different and above you.
My T is quite cheerful when we meet and has always framed the therapy work that we are both working as a team to tackle problems. Reading your post makes me realise how important that is.

I am usually my psychiatrist's first appointment of the day. I often find him in line at the hospital Starbucks. We will take the 3-4 min walk to his office together. He is sure though to ask me how irritated I was by the Starbucks experience on that particular day. It has always been a joke - albeit serious - between the two of us that my SBX 'experience' is a gauge of my current mental health (I am a former SBX manager and get easily irritated by badly run cafes and poor baristas).

Well, you described it quite clearly in a few sentences here, I definitely would not think this is something that cannot or should not be addressed in conversation. Perhaps also likely you are projecting things into that part of your therapy sessions.

I had two T's who were both friendly and welcoming when first seeing and greeting me, but not overly. They differed a lot in how they started their part of the sessions though. The psychoanalyst I saw first would just leave his door open when he was ready to start (or come out to get me in the waiting room), always stand up and say a friendly 'hi' when I entered and waited for me to sit down before he did. Then waited for me to start the conversation, he would not say anything first but I never stayed in silence. Never asked how I was or anything else. Second T always came out to get me and the conversation started just as naturally and in diverse ways as it typically does in ordinary meetings. He often asked how I was doing, or we engaged in a bit if small talk for a minute, or jumped straight into the deeper waters. He was friendly and welcoming in a way that felt natural for me, not contrived and never condescending. Not sweet and sugar coated (that I would dislike), just friendly and treated me as an equal, not as an authority. I did sense subtle mood differences in how he greeted me but did not discuss that more than once, I simply thought everyone has those subtle fluctuations and he did a great job trying to stay even.

I interviewed T's whose greeting style felt aversive for a variety of reasons. It can be a good discussion topic but also I just felt I worked better with someone who naturally matched my style and preference for interaction. I also met Ts who appeared very intrusive, that was even worse. I know why I dislike intrusion already so I would not see one of them just to explore more.

I personally like better when people look at me with a friendly expression rather than indifferent but from Ts I prefer if it's a professional kind if friendliness and they do not pretend to be my friend or a relative.

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I interviewed T's whose greeting style felt aversive for a variety of reasons. It can be a good discussion topic but also I just felt I worked better with someone who naturally matched my style and preference for interaction. I also met Ts who appeared very intrusive, that was even worse. I know why I dislike intrusion already so I would not see one of them just to explore more.

I personally like better when people look at me with a friendly expression rather than indifferent but from Ts I prefer if it's a professional kind if friendliness and they do not pretend to be my friend or a relative.

Yes, I take it as a given that a T should be friendly. I think I just preferred the neutral, happy-to-see-you, kind of expression to the sympathy one. I'm not sure if the sympathetic greeting is a sign of intrusiveness...

I guess I find your first sentence to be at odds with what you say later - in that yes, it it could be raised for discussion (especially if it might be projection) but as you later say, it may be better to just take it as a sign of incompatible personality styles. I guess that's my dilemma!

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

Yes, I take it as a given that a T should be friendly. I think I just preferred the neutral, happy-to-see-you, kind of expression to the sympathy one. I'm not sure if the sympathetic greeting is a sign of intrusiveness...

I guess I find your first sentence to be at odds with what you say later - in that yes, it it could be raised for discussion (especially if it might be projection) but as you later say, it may be better to just take it as a sign of incompatible personality styles. I guess that's my dilemma!

I think I wanted to work with someone compatible rather than dissecting why I experience intense aversion with someone who was aversive from start. But aversion/ personality clashes and analyzing all that became quite core part of what I did with my first T. It wasn't present for many months and unfolded gradually. I found it interesting and the lessons useful but in the end it interfered with therapy for me because I lost respect and trust for him and we just triggered each-other in many ways. I did often find that T patronizing and self centered, also because he sometimes talked to me as though I was a child or some kind of victim - those are things I do not identify with. Surely interesting why I refuse those. I did ask him about why he did many things and often told him when something irritated me (but also overlooked many). For a while, but then I left because I did not find the constant fighting helpful and it made my issues worse, not better.

Then I found someone who was a better natural fit and then those perceptions never entered the interactions. There were certainly things in my first T's behavior and approach that triggered and irritated me in specific ways and I grasped on them after a while.

I guess an expression of sympathy without even knowing much or anything can seem and feel fake, and I imagine it is often fake in Ts behavior. Probably they try it too hard and it shows. I usually did not like when my first T tried to mirror me or identify with me because it was more than obvious we were more different in personality than alike. With second T, his relating and sympathy was welcomed, probably in part because it was clearly supported by factual evidence that he did get me and the way I work, not just tried to mimic understanding superficially.

I would think it's probably good to address it if it bothers you repeatedly and you decide to work with that T longer term.

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

...often told him when something irritated me (but also overlooked many). For a while, but then I left because I did not find the constant fighting helpful and it made my issues worse, not better...

Then I found someone who was a better natural fit and then those perceptions never entered the interactions. There were certainly things in my first T's behavior and approach that triggered and irritated me in specific ways and I grasped on them after a while...

I guess an expression of sympathy without even knowing much or anything can seem and feel fake, and I imagine it is often fake in Ts behavior...
.

That accumulated irritation is what happened with my first T who I saw for 5 years. I seldom mentioned it because therapy was new to me and she (in retrospect) was quite defensive. When I started therapy with my next long term T it was a complete revelation that it could be such an amiable experience! Since his passing last year I have seen 4 different therapists and think I should maybe just stay with one who is solid, contained and skilled... I'm not sure I'm going to find (again) someone that resonates with me quite so well :/

I guess I presented as severely depressed in our first session which might explain the sympathy-on-arrival in the 2nd - but yes, it felt incongruous/inauthentic when I hadn't yet said a thing!

[thesnowqueen]

So - very funny update! I arrived today and there was no especially sympathetic expression. This lead me to wonder - does she care about me? Did I do something wrong? Does she think I am doing better than I am?

Truth is, I am doing better - largely because she is grounded, professional and exudes competence. This makes me feel more ordered and hopeful...

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

So - very funny update! I arrived today and there was no especially sympathetic expression. This lead me to wonder - does she care about me? Did I do something wrong? Does she think I am doing better than I am?

Truth is, I am doing better - largely because she is grounded, professional and exudes competence. This makes me feel more ordered and hopeful...

Hahah, typical! I'm glad she's stopped doing it though (it would definitely bother me too), and that you're feeling so good about her in general.

[*Laurie*]

If someone has an overly sympathetic expression when they first encounter me it would feel like the person was 'telling' me that I'm to be pitied. Sooo......that the person was showing pity for me, and that it annoys me, kind of tells me more about myself than it does about the person.

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

If someone has an overly sympathetic expression when they first encounter me it would feel like the person was 'telling' me that I'm to be pitied. Sooo......that the person was showing pity for me, and that it annoys me, kind of tells me more about myself than it does about the person.

Yes, but this occurred in the second session and I WAS in a pretty bad state in the first...

[Ididitmyway]

I feel much better when people look at my sympathetically, ESPECIALLY therapists. It makes it much easier for me to open up. But that's my personal preference.

Whatever expression you prefer to see in a therapist who greets you certainly says a lot about your inner process, which is important to understand, I think. If this is really important to you, then certainly talk to the therapist about it.

I am not really the one to give a take on this. From my previous experience, very little of what I was trying to address in therapy got addressed. I am not in therapy now and I doubt I would go back to therapy any time soon, so whatever I need to understand about myself I do on my own through journaling, meditating, reading, painting..whatever suits me. Works just fine for me and saves me a lot of money too

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by lucozader

Hahah, typical! I'm glad she's stopped doing it though (it would definitely bother me too), and that you're feeling so good about her in general.

Totally typical!

I'm a bit nervous about getting my hopes up, but certainly those qualities have been helpful