What is one thing you want to tell your T but you're afraid to say? Why? (And I'm talking about something significant.)

If you're not afraid to open up, what was something significant that you hid for the longest time?

Possible trigger:

I have hid a sui attempt from her (and from other mental health providers).

I'm not ready to open up about that because I don't know what sorts of questions she'll ask. I'm afraid such questions will trigger me.

[captgut]

Deleted...
Sorry. Great thread! Maybe I'll try posting later

Wow, what a great topic. I told something pretty big to my therapist last week and while it hasn't made me feel all that better yet, I know it was worth it. I know she is going to want to talk about the aftermath of what happened and I am most afraid to share

Possible trigger:

that I also attempted suicide before. I don't think I truly wanted to die, I think I felt like it was the better option at the time, but it scares me to share that because I don't know how she will react or what she will say.

Only one big thing i never told t or pdoc either and its immaterial now but

Possible trigger:

I was right on the verge of attempting suicide twice (literally less than an inch away the first one) in the worst depths of my depression back in 2009. That was well before i started seeing t.

[Demunie]

Possible trigger:

Past suicide attempts (before I got into treatment with him)
Rather serious suicidal thoughts while being in treatment
That I broke a broke a promise not to hurt myself (although I'm working on telling him that. May be tomorrow?)
He once wanted to know where I had scars from SH. Only told him about arms and legs and left the more... private parts out for obvious reasons

[/trigger]

I've always considered myself a heterosexual female, however I'm not 100% sure I completely identify with either of those labels. It's hard to talk to T about because I am confused by it myself. I don't think I have words for however it is that I feel.

[SummerTime12]

There are a few.. how close I've come with suicide attempts, that I'm really attracted to him, and that although I'm married to a man I'm also attracted to women and have had experiences with women in the past. I want to tell him all this (well besides that I'm attracted to him) but I just don't know how to bring it up

[nottrustin]

Trigger!!!!

I have never felt comfortable talking about sex with T...or anybody for that matter. We have been discussing my Ptsd and triggers. At the last session I mentioned how sometimes hubby will tough me and uncomfortable and hard it is. She knows hubby is very affectionate and I am not. She what I said to mean it is hard he is like that. She said that really isn't my Ptsd but a difference in personality. Tonight I home to explain it goes beyond him being all hugging and that. I get horrible flashbacks during sex.

[Yours_Truly]

I've never told about, oh shoot, I still don't know how to do trigger warnings.
It will have to suffice to say 'practicing' during an extremely strong suicidal ideation period.

[junkDNA]

drugs, relapsing on drugs, how much drugs, how often

also i never disclosed the CSA til last year , but he suspected it for a long time

[hopealwayz]

Trigger warning!!!

I've hid my suicidal thoughts from him.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

drugs, relapsing on drugs, how much drugs, how often

also i never disclosed the CSA til last year , but he suspected it for a long time

Also the severity of my eating disorder behaviors

[growlycat]

My weird fetish that I hate. I fear he'd see the humor in it and to me it is just a relic of childhood abuse.

[Elio]

Possible trigger:

I have avoided as much as possible sex stuff (kink and non-kink). I am slowly talking about violent intrusive thoughts and a fascination with blood.

It took me a long time to admit that I was as close to suicide as I'd ever been when I first started seeing her.

I only recently admitted to the level of calorie restriction I was using about a year ago and going >36 hours without eating, and being proud of it.

[annielovesbacon]

Trigger warning below: (I don't know how to make the text hidden -- could someone tell me please??)

First that I fear I am becoming dependent on drugs and alcohol. Second that my eating disorder behaviors are getting really bad again. But she never knew I had an eating disorder in the first place. Third that I am extremely suicidal

[captgut]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

Trigger warning below: (I don't know how to make the text hidden -- could someone tell me please??)

First that I fear I am becoming dependent on drugs and alcohol. Second that my eating disorder behaviors are getting really bad again. But she never knew I had an eating disorder in the first place. Third that I am extremely suicidal

[trigggger] hidden text [/trigggger] but trigger with 2 g

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have actually told my T everything. The biggest thing was my secret (which I have decided to never tell anyone again). Some other difficult topics have been about sex, acting out on my anger, and homicidal thoughts (no intent of acting out btw). Talking about SUI thoughts and SI aren't difficult for me. She knew about those from the start.

[Loco4]

"I love you".

I don't tell her because I know I'd want her to say it back. She might not be able to do that. Instead I just tell her she's special to me.

[Loco4]

I'd also like to talk about sex, but I feel to ashamed/uncomfortable m.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

homicidal thoughts (no intent of acting out btw).

Ohhh, that's a good one. I hid that from my first therapist and I hid that from my pdoc, but ever since those thoughts went away (maybe due to meds? idk), I've never brought them up.

[stopdog]

I found that the woman can only handle when I talk about my person who is sick and my dogs. Not because anything else is a big secret – I'm not that interesting, but because every time I tried to talk about anything else it was a giant disaster as the woman simply didn't understand me

[precaryous]

The thing I held back was taking drugs twenty years ago. She already liked me. I was afraid she wouldn't like me anymore. It was hard to tell her!

I felt so guilty.

She normalized it by saying she's had hundreds of people tell her the same thing...that I can forgive myself for things I did twenty years ago...

[LonesomeTonight]

One big thing I held back (but eventually shared) was certain things I feel I need to think about while having sex because of my OCD (as in, if I don't think about those things, then something bad might happen). I feel I have to think about people getting sick (I also have emetophobia)--this goes back many years. Took me about 4 years of seeing T before I could tell her. She was fine with it and still accepted me. Then I ended up telling H and MC within the next week.

[WrkNPrgress]

I can't think of anything from my past that I'm actively ashamed of or hiding. There was a brief stint when I avoided telling her that my partner and I were talking marriage. I look back now and see that I was pretty much in denial about how bad the relationship was, and I knew she would know that... I don't know. Then for a while I was afraid to tell her how often I was having a drink (every day) but that was small stuff, really and more about shame I felt in my relationship.

These days, the things I don't bring up:

1) My feelings for her.

2) My lifelong list of unrequited crushes and the obsessive nature of them.

3) Much about sex, at all.

All three are obviously connected but sex is hard for me to talk about in general. It's something I'd like to — I mean talking about it- not having it, I'm good with the thing itself, I guess.

[MBM17]

I created a last of all the things I was hiding last year. There were quite a few (like 10+) even after 3 years of meeting. Starting last summer, I started trying to talk about them but oh my heck it's been nearly impossible. Since I felt like they made me a bad person, I worried it would change what he thought of me.

Biggest: trichotillomania & how much I rely on him. I'd never told the therapist the first, and the second has caused big issues in the past in therapy.