[Elio]

Has anyone deliberately asked their t for something that they were 99.9% sure if not 100% sure it would not be possible for their t to fulfill the request? If so, why did you do it? What did you get from it? Did it harm the relationship or help you?

Short Background: I don't take getting told no very well - like meltdown worthy not well so I often don't ask if I think there is a 1% chance of hearing the word "no". I have been thinking about asking for something from t that I'm pretty sure... like really I'd say 100% sure but you never know you know so I'll say 99.9% sure that she'd say "no". I'm trying to figure out why I want to ask, it just feels in my gut the thing to do - to hear that "no" from her and to see what I do with it, how I respond to it. I don't want to hear the "no" because I've pushed her to the point that she has to push back.

Of course there is a longer background story here... I'm hoping I've given enough for people to understand where I am going with this.

I'm sure I'll talk to her about the whole thing before I ask my question - just looking for other's experiences or thoughts around this.

[unaluna]

Oh yes. You get to think (and talk with your t) about what a yes would mean to you. I have an ongoing question to my t about if he is going to stop by my apartment on his way to or from the airport. Not only the answer, but even the question changes over time. It really helps you see how you are changing. I went from acting like a total douche the first time i asked (we argued about who sounded more like my mother!) to sounding like a much smaller douche this last time

[ruh roh]

Yes, although I don't think that I was asking for anything that wasn't possible, so much as asking too much (I think those are different things). I mean, I didn't ask for anything illegal or unethical or something she could not literally do. She has always said yes and it surprised me each time. I'm sure there will be a no at some point, and I will deal with it when it happens. In my mind, every request comes with that risk, so it's still very much a driving concern.

I "tested" my ex-T on many occasions, but never to the point where I would ask something that I knew would result in the answer "no". I think there may have been times when I was going through the maternal transference phase of my therapy with her where I wanted her to direct me in a way. Sort of like: "No, Jersey you can't do that." But that was in the early stages of therapy and like I mentioned, during the maternal transference phase. I was emotionally immature. I'm very different now and would not have an issue telling a therapist to F off. (Or anybody else)

[kecanoe]

I wouldn't risk it. I might talk about not wanting to risk it, but I probably wouldn't even do that.

I've asked my pdoc and T questions that I was sure would result in a "no". I was pleasantly surprised a few times when I got "yes" for an answer.

You never know until you try, I guess. And getting denied isn't so bad either. You're never going to get "yes" for an answer 100% of the time from anybody, regardless if they're a therapist or not. It's an everyday risk you always take. That's how I would think of it.

And since you want real life examples: About 5 or 6 months ago, I outright asked my pdoc for a benzo. I seriously thought I was going to come off as a desperate druggie. I mean, I was literally asking for street drugs. lol. To my pleasant surprise, I got prescribed Ativan. Then when I said Ativan was sh#t, I asked again and got Klonopin. hurrah!

It actually took me MONTHS to sum up the courage to ask because, like you, I was afraid of getting a "no" for an answer. (And in my case, I was paranoid I'd be labeled as a drug seeker.) But it turned out okay.

Also asked for Adderall and got it, after asking for the Klonopin and Ativan. That's 3 street drugs in a row.

Oh, and I also asked for a different stimulant... We agreed we're going to try another one. So that'll make 4 street drugs once I see him next time

[rainboots87]

I just emailed my T this weekend asking if she would ever do something, and now I'm freaking out! I'm so afraid of rejection and erased and rewrote my email several times. Now only time will tell! I've been wanting to ask for months.

[captgut]

I hate asking him anything. Even if i'm sure i have a right to know.
He knows i'm always overthinking, and so he is veryyyy careful when saying smth that can hurt me. Too careful sometimes I'm so thankful...

[doogie]

Are you wanting to just practice hearing 'no' from T and then talking about the feelings that raises for you? I'm also someone who hates to hear 'no' in the sense that it makes me feel like a bad person for wanting something that I shouldn't have or being too needy. It is interesting, however, to think about doing it as an exercise with T. Doing it in a safe way. Like asking my T (her office is in part of her home) "Can I walk through your home?" I know she would probably say 'No' and I would feel bad for asking but we could talk about why I feel bad and where that comes from. I think you should try it! Especially if you and T talk about it beforehand. Good luck!!

[Elio]

Originally Posted by doogie

Are you wanting to just practice hearing 'no' from T and then talking about the feelings that raises for you? I'm also someone who hates to hear 'no' in the sense that it makes me feel like a bad person for wanting something that I shouldn't have or being too needy. It is interesting, however, to think about doing it as an exercise with T. Doing it in a safe way. Like asking my T (her office is in part of her home) "Can I walk through your home?" I know she would probably say 'No' and I would feel bad for asking but we could talk about why I feel bad and where that comes from. I think you should try it! Especially if you and T talk about it beforehand. Good luck!!

Yes, this was part of the reason for wanting to do it. Also, I am dealing with maternal transference and want, I feel I need to hear mommy tell me 'no' but because of the feeling like a bad person for wanting something, I want it to be managed... safe... something.

We talked briefly about me wanting it today and how last week there was a sort of no. We talked about how one thing might have different importance or invoke more of a response than other things. We moved on from the topic at the time. Then at the end of the session, I asked her to tell me no. Which in her best t self, she said that a no is a response to something asked...(something like that). Earlier I had only hinted at what my question would be, so of course I had to directly ask her. I hesitated and she said that we could pick this back up on Wednesday. I said that I didn't want to have to wait Wednesday to Monday. So, I asked her, and in the kindest way possible she said "I can't". She said other things that was specific about my question.

As a parent myself, all I could hear was the "many ways not to say no" concept. And maybe that was part of what I wanted from mommy; the validation and value of my want, while still not getting it. So far it hasn't affected me... at all? not much? not sure. I just keep thinking about how much I love her.

[doogie]

That's great that you finally asked - and that your T said no - and that you are still ok in your relationship with her. That is REALLY a big deal. A REALLY big deal!! I'm sure when you process it out the next time you see her, it will be even more helpful. Way to go, Elio!