[junkDNA]

sooooo i met with my therapist.

we went into his office. he asked me how i am, i said i am ok. he asked me what's been going on, i said the same old stuff. i felt nervous, SO NERVOUS. he got the playing cards out and we started to play rummy.

he said "im sorry for the confusion about scheduling"

i said thank you. i explained to him how i interpreted all of that. basically i thought he was just done with me because he couldn't seem to fit me in his schedule.

he told me he thought that the last time we met, that i wanted to suspend therapy for a while. he said that he should have clarified that with me, though.

i told him i can't take anything anyone says at face value. he asked me what i meant by that. i said that i am always searching for hidden motives and reading between the lines of what people do and say.

he said something about how that's how psychosis is, and trauma.

he said that he thought i made a good point the last time we met. when i had said something about him not being clear on things with me.

he explained how he has cut back because of his starting to get burned out. he said he is seeing less clients, cutting down his work days, taking a break from some of the game nights, not doing as much sliding scale work, saying no to his co-founder of his practice about extra things she wants to do for their business. stuff like that.

he said when he left the treatment program that we met in, that he was pretty burned out. he took a 2 month break then "hit the ground running" with starting his own business and building it up. he said he's been "sprinting" ever since then.

i thanked him for explaining it to me. i told him that, in my mind, i noticed him changing immediately after i shared details of my CSA trauma with him. he acknowledged that he can see how i would think that. he said he really "dropped the ball there". he said looking back on it, it makes a lot of sense to him why i was in so much distress and seeking more and more reassurance from him.

he said when he noticed he was dropping the ball on things like that, that it told him he needed to slow down. create a better work/personal life balance. basically that he wasn't on his therapy game.

he apologized for that. he said his changes had nothing to do with my sharing my CSA trauma. he said that he guessed he had been slowly and gradually making changes, and it didn't even register to him that i would link the two together. he said it is not related to my trauma disclosure in any way. he said he has known about my CSA trauma for a long time, before i even discussed it with him last year.

i told him i understand what he is saying.

the rest of the session we talked about my school, my roommates, some of my friends.

at the end he got on his laptop and asked if i want to schedule another appointment. i said yes. i see him next wednesday at noon, then i will have my regular time slots back- sunday at 12 and wednesday at 12

i said to him "im glad i came" he said me too.

i asked him for a hug. he said yes. we both got up and i hugged him. he squeezed me hard, and said "im glad you're feeling better, and im glad you came"

[Elio]

This sounds wonderful. I am so glad to hear how transparent he was with you about where he is and how that has an affect on your relationship and you.

I am also so glad that he is able to get you back on his schedule at the same spots as before.

I think he is a good t and you have a good relationship with him.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm so glad it went well, JD, and that he explained everything going on to you. Glad you're back on his regular schedule now, too. Hugs..

[junkDNA]

thanks, i am so glad he acknowledged his part in all of this as well as clearly explaining to me what has been going on

So pleased it went well Junk. I think he's one of the good guys
I love how he examined his actions, acknowledged his mistakes and was honest with you. I also liked how he listened to the link you made with the CSA disclosure and didn't dismiss your feelings but reassured you.
When he said he'd dropped the ball it reminded me of when my T said "you deserve more from me". The ability to be non-defensive and own their actions is what makes them great Ts.

[junkDNA]

oh, i also asked him if he is going to go on a leave. he said no, that this cutting back on all these things is him slowing down

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

The ability to be non-defensive and own their actions is what makes them great Ts.

i totally agree. it means so much to me that he is not defensive or reactive to my paranoia, etc

also i want to thank all of you on this forum. your support during all of this has been invaluable to me. i can't thank you enough

[unaluna]

The way you reach out to pc and stick with it is more than half of the story.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by unaluna

The way you reach out to pc and stick with it is more than half of the story.

im not entirely sure what you mean here. can you elaborate?
]

[ruh roh]

Thank you so much for the update. He has always seemed like a very self aware and caring therapist. It's a rare thing, and you're fortunate to have him. Good for you for hanging in there, despite what felt like overwhelming evidence that it would not end well.

It might be worth keeping a note of your actual fears and thoughts prior to this, and then what happened. It's a good reminder for you in the future when you get triggered and fearful.

Half the battle for me is not making things better, it's seeing that they are not as dark as my triggered mind has made them out to be. Maybe there is something like that going on for you too.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Thank you so much for the update. He has always seemed like a very self aware and caring therapist. It's a rare thing, and you're fortunate to have him. Good for you for hanging in there, despite what felt like overwhelming evidence that it would not end well.

It might be worth keeping a note of your actual fears and thoughts prior to this, and then what happened. It's a good reminder for you in the future when you get triggered and fearful.

Half the battle for me is not making things better, it's seeing that they are not as dark as my triggered mind has made them out to be. Maybe there is something like that going on for you too.

Yeah. He said he should have known I would connect the CSA discussions to him changing his boundaries.

He said that I am perceiving things accurately... that's it's just how I interpret them...that that's where I get it wrong

[junkDNA]

Oh, and he said that the book he bought me like 4 years ago seemed to really help.me then. It's a book about coping with paranoia and delusions. He said it helped me to really try to combat those thoughts. I told him I will start reading it again

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Yeah. He said he should have known I would connect the CSA discussions to him changing his boundaries.

He said that I am perceiving things accurately... that's it's just how I interpret them...that that's where I get it wrong

This is a really great distinction that I think a lot of therapists miss. Many of them are so focused on "wrong thinking" that they invalidate what's actually a really finely tuned ability honed by people who survived long term trauma. So instead of affirming the client's strength--their spidey senses--they undermine them in a way that's really crazy making. So yeah...it's the interpretation, not the perception. That's great insight.

[junkDNA]

It's all good

=)

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

im not entirely sure what you mean here. can you elaborate?
]

You shared your feelings, you didnt isolate, basically you kept talking. Thats huge.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by unaluna

You shared your feelings, you didnt isolate, basically you kept talking. Thats huge.

Yes!! Thanks for explaining more. Hadn't thought of that...it is huge isn't it?

[UnderRugSwept]

I am so happy it went well. You really do have a great therapist, and you did an excellent job explaining what has been going on with you.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Yes!! Thanks for explaining more. Hadn't thought of that...it is huge isn't it?

Actually i was telling my t last week, theres a different feel to pc right now, like we ARE really THERE for people? Like there is stuff going on. Give and take support.

[lucozader]

YAY. I'm so glad it went well

[Out There]

That's awesome JD - I'm so glad it went well. I always thought your T was one of the best and he seems to understand you and care about you - even if he does drop the ball sometimes he owns it and much healing can come from that.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

he said "im sorry for the confusion about scheduling"

i said thank you. i explained to him how i interpreted all of that. basically i thought he was just done with me because he couldn't seem to fit me in his schedule.

he told me he thought that the last time we met, that i wanted to suspend therapy for a while. he said that he should have clarified that with me, though.

i told him i can't take anything anyone says at face value. he asked me what i meant by that. i said that i am always searching for hidden motives and reading between the lines of what people do and say.

he said something about how that's how psychosis is, and trauma.

Honest question... are you afraid of rejection as well? Like, afraid of losing a friend and stuff? Feeling like you f_cked up in some way (e.g., "bothered them too much")and now they want you to go away? Just wondering because I fear rejection myself since I've gotten rejected... and what you're saying sounds familiar... but I could be totally misinterpreting

So do you think there's some social anxiety there as well in addition to the psychosis and trauma? If so, have you told him about that too?

I am so glad it went well jDNA!! Been thinking about ya all morning.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Honest question... are you afraid of rejection as well? Like, afraid of losing a friend and stuff? Feeling like you f_cked up in some way (e.g., "bothered them too much")and now they want you to go away? Just wondering because I fear rejection myself since I've gotten rejected... and what you're saying sounds familiar... but I could be totally misinterpreting

So do you think there's some social anxiety there as well in addition to the psychosis and trauma? If so, have you told him about that too?

Oh yeah. I do fear being rejected. I am also socially anxious. I've been dx as social phobia before in my early 20s. He is well aware of all that. He told me he thinks I have asperger traits bc of my social difficulty and severe isolation tendencies

[precaryous]

JD, you are so strong. You were afraid but you faced your fears anyway!

I'm very happy you saw T and it went well!

I'm glad you were able to tell him that you connected his pulling back to your CSA revelation and your fears that he wanted to terminate you.

Not only was he able to clear that up and reassure you...I imagine he is taking a good hard look at how the changes in his life may be affecting all of his clients.

I'm glad he was able to understand he missed a few things with you and admit his part in this. Not every T will do that.

I think it's important what he said,
"He said that I am perceiving things accurately... that's it's just how I interpret them...that that's where I get it wrong"

I do that, too.

Happy that you're back on his schedule, too.
((JD))

[ScarletPimpernel]

Really happy for you!