My Therapist Does NOT CARE About me At ALL!!!

Now I'm back to wanting to cancel them.

I just want one sign that he cares!

For example, I emailed the office and asked if he still wanted to work with me. No response!

I wish he would have said yes or no but instead, I'm sitting here full of my doubts about what his plans are for my therapy. And

I don't feel like going through the therapist search again_

Even if he didn't want to say yes or no, it still would have been nice if he had said, "we can talk about that next sesson, or SOMETHING'!

Aw, Hope. Sorry you are suffering. Have you asked t about email? Maybe he just doesn't doesn't respond to emails.

I would hold off on canceling. For me, acting when I am feeling upset, abandoned, rejected usually leads to something I regret when I am calmer.

Is it worse to sit with the pain of no answer or to search for a new t? Could you start looking without cancelling with current t? To have a back-up plan?

Hope,

It seems like you feel abandoned and rejected very quickly especially when you don't get swift responses from T or his office.

Email, especially...I doubt your T is ignoring you, he could be busy.

Can you hang on to his words that he's trying to see you weekly?

I would really suggest no more emailing. It seems to get you worked up. And you might come across as too needy/demanding. Don't cancel with your T. What if he really does care about you, but you overreact and get rid of him? Then you would miss out. You're probably not used to a healthy relationship with a T, so it might not seem like he's caring, but he really is. Try to relax and stay in the present. Don't go jumping to conclusions.

Hope,

Could you stop and reflect on all this turmoil? I know you are afraid of being hurt, but where does that come from? Do you have any memories of being rejected and abandoned as a child?

It seems like you are experiencing the past with your therapists, really really enmeshed, not being able to separate your feelings from transference. Try to step back and observe yourself. Many good suggestions are posted for you, but I feel you might be able to benefit from stepping outside of the feelings, and observing them so to speak. I also know what it feels like to be driven by those attachment issues, and relating with my therapist as if he was my mother...

I dont know what else to say, just sad to see you going through this.

I agree that you shouldn't necessarily expect him to e-mail you back, especially if you haven't discussed his approach to e-mail. Also, when did you e-mail him about this? If it was only a day or two ago, he may not have even read your e-mail yet. Some T's don't check it that often. Do you know yet if he's put you back on the schedule? He may have figured he'd just talk about it in session, if he put your appointment back on.

And I agree, you need to explore your reactions in therapy (whether with this T or a new one) because I also think they're coming from stuff in your past, not what's really going on right now.

Hope, you really are going to have to find a way to stop emailing and just discuss these apprehensions IN SESSION where you can have a conversation face to face. You keep emailing as a way to test how much this therapist cares, but it really is a false equivalency. This therapist has professional boundaries and is working with you in the bounds of your sessions -- that is normal and ethical. Slow down and allow this new therapy relationship to develop. You are demanding much more than is really normal from a therapist, particularly in the early stages, and it leads you nowhere but into anxiety.

Maybe next time you see t ask him to write a note about his care for you. Carry the note with you to remind you. Or write your own reminder card while your feeling ok to help you when your not feeling as good. It sounds a little 'gimmicky but notes I've asked my t to write have helped. I can relate to losing connection on my end and the insecurity that can bring.

This is a good point, too--I didn't start e-mailing with my T or marriage counselor (aside from an occasional scheduling thing) until I'd been seeing each of them over a year--more like 2 years for T, and I discussed it with her first. I'm not sure how they would have reacted if I kept e-mailing them a bunch right when I first started seeing them.

It's also really easy to have misunderstandings over e-mail/text--whether with a T or friend or family member. So your T probably wants to only discuss things in person, at least until you get to know each other better.

Do you know yet if you do have another appointment?

I can really understand how frantic it can be when it seems that someone who I need to count on to help me doesn't care.

Is there anything that you can do to distract or calm yourself from the franticness? Well, posting here is certainly one thing, good for you! If he doesn't care, then you need to move on, probably. But if he's just disorganized, as it sounds like he may be, then. . .? Is that a deal-killer, too?

Hi Hope

Please let us know how it goes

I hope you're able to talk to your T about your true feelings. Just remember to be as honest and open as you can and talk about your past experiences that have led you to fear abandonment, etc.

But I did want to say one thing: the kinds of questions you are asking only exacerbate your fears. Repeatedly asking questions like "do you still care about me???" only make you more anxious because then you're desperate for reassurance, and when you don't get an answer right away, you completely break down because you assume the worst.

If you always assume the worst of him, what do you think will happen? Think about how you would feel if we all assumed the worst of you? Not too good. See how you're setting yourself up? So you have to give him a chance.

I suspect it isn't about disorganization, but rather, this therapist prefers to leave emails for more office-type issues rather than using them as a means of in between session reassurance/therapy. Probably would simply rather this kind of issue be handled face to face where actually discussion can happen. He may already realize that no amount of reassurance in between sessions is going to really reassure Hope; these are deeper issues that will require therapy in session rather than quick texts or emails.

Hi Hope, I wonder if you might benefit from a kind of day program where you can be in touch with people daily? I forget what kind of insurance you have, but even if you don't have something that covers a day program, some communities have drop in centers for free. In my area, they're called Clubhouse. It doesn't provide therapy, but it does offer people a place to be and get support. It just sounds a lot like your needs are greater than what a therapist can provide (even with a weekly time slot). Having a place to go every day might be a good way to cope between sessions with your therapist.

I'm wondering if you've built unrealistic expectations for your T and are fustrated that it's not going the way your fantasy T in your mind works so you get mad.

Say that's true. What is your next move?

Therapists should be held to same basic standards as other business professionals. That includes timely response to emails, even if it's just to say "I'm busy will get back to you later" or "let's discuss in session". No response is unprofessional, though of course depends on how much time has elapsed (and I don't know full backstory).

Also, if a client is already in distress, no response could be doubly irresponsible and stupid.

As for therapist caring, my experience was that of course they cared some, but it was a very ambiguous caring. Also at times exaggerated and calculated. Reacting to this with distress does not necessarily indicate "transference", could simply be that this sort of ambiguous and dubious caring is not meeting basic needs and is making things worse.

Hi Hope,
IIRC you haven't been seeing this T very long. So you haven't really built a relationship to him yet, it takes some time to get close to people. It seems to me like you're expecting a really intense level of support from this T, like what your old T was doing with the long texts etc. before that went off the rails. But that's not the kind of relationship you have with new T (thank goodness). So I think you need to just decide, you're going to give this T relationship time to build, say 6 months, and see what happens, stop torturing yourself with all this cancelling or not cancelling.

I also like the suggestion about seeking a day program, or maybe a support group, because it seems like you're trying to get this T to fulfill all your emotional needs and it just isn't possible.

When you see T I would discuss communication with him. Ask him questions such as his email protocol. Tell him how you feel.

I hope he contacts you soon

I'm so sorry that you're struggling right now. I hope you will continue to see this therapist; sometimes forging a new relationship like this takes time and patience. I'm going through it right now and I have self-doubt each time I leave my T's office - does she like me? Am I worth her time? Is she worth my time? Is this helping? Should I go more? Should I go less?

Your post has inspired me to actually talk with her about these feelings...I hope you'll do the same! Stick with it.

You have all made excellent points and given me a lot to think about. Thanks to everyone for responding.

One thing we discussed is to keep my thoughts in an email and send it on Thursday night. And on Friday morning, he would sign on and read it.

Maybe working on your email would help you feel some kind of connection? Have you started it?

Normally Bud I agree with a lot of what you say, in this case though I disagree. For some people demanding constant reassurance is an obsession. And it never eases no matter how often they get it.
Often the relief only lasts a day, before they are seeking reassurance again.in these cases constantly feedingthe cycle only exacerbates the situation. The person never learns to accept what someone says, never learn to self soothe or distract themselves from the anxiety.
This doesn't just count for clients and therapists, but any close relationship.

______________

Hope have you asked about the email policy? It sounds like you have and he has said he doesn't take emails, but he will do this compromise for you.
If that's the case I think it does show he cares. Just because he won't reply doesn't mean he isn't listening.
And considering your history with emails from your last T, I think he is right.

Tell me your last T, he emailed frequently didn't he? Did it prove he cared though?

Also if his office know he doesn't take emails from clients regularly, they won't be in a hurry to pass them on.
All the threats in the world won't shift his boundaries and I truly think this is a good thing.
Hopefully this will be the safe place you need.

You have done really well sticking it out even though you want to give it up sometimes.
No one said it would be easy. So chin up. And keep us up to date.
Take Care.

No reply to a distress email is an implied punishment or scolding or emotional abandonment.

Part of the problem is that everyone assumes these therapy dependencies MUST exist, and therefore whatever the collateral damage, so be it. Someone ought to be asking what is the net effect of drawing the client into this sudden and intense intimacy, and then saying get lost and cope until we meet again. There are shades of emotional abuse there. Other relationships are not typically this way.

The therapist provokes this need for reassurance, as sure as the sky is blue, but then expects the need not to manifest after the session, and if it does, shame on you and I will teach you a lesson by ignoring you. Not saying they should respond to every email, rather see clearly what you are doing. It's quite irrational.

Also, therapy claims to "reparent" those with attachment injury. Part of this involves working on the self-soothing you mention. Babies learn self-soothing by first observing their mother's soothing behavior. But in that case baby and mother are together ALL THE TIME! In therapy the client is kept away ALL THE TIME, hardly conducive to self soothing. Egads.

OP is in distress because of therapy. That's clear. I was in a situation where I was obsessive and emailing a lot. The therapist usually responded, which lessened the distress. If she decided to ignore me, on the basis that I needed to "learn" something, it would have been infantilizing and humiliating. Either way, it was nuts.

I feel like you're drawing on your personal experiences with therapy and not on the context of this particular scenario. I don't believe Hopealwayz's therapist has provoked her need for reassurance and/or is teaching her a lesson by ignoring her. He has only met her a few times. He may not have even had a chance to read her email yet.

I grew up without boundaries. When I was in distress and called my T in the beginning of my therapy, he told me to go to the hospital if I felt unsafe - otherwise, he would see me in session. As hard as it was to get through, it worked for me. I learned how to self-soothe, manage my intense emotions and get through to my next session without getting the reassurance I so desired. Sometimes I would drive myself to the hospital and wait in the waiting room until I felt safe, other times I would use DBT techniques to get by until my next session. But I made it through.

This won't necessarily work for everyone (some people have great success communicating with their T between sessions), but for me the lack of access forced me to learn how to take care of myself.

I don't think my T was telling me to "get lost and cope" by not responding to my distress, but rather he was showing faith in my ability to learn how to take care of myself, which was the ultimate goal of my therapy.

I don't think the OP is in distress because of therapy. I think her distress is caused by a multitude of factors including her personal history, family dynamics, developmental trauma, personality issues, biochemistry etc. Therapy is not the problem, but rather the solution - if she can learn how to work within the confines of the therapeutic relationship.

Hopealwayz - I'm sorry for talking about you in the third person. I have a lot of empathy for you. I have faith that you can get through this, but I don't think therapy alone is the answer. There are a number of different things that will help, many of which were mentioned in previous posts. You are the only one who can take the advice offered to you and make it a reality.