I called him and told him that, and he kinda started emotionally panicking in a way.
He told me that it would be more mature to do this on a meetup, "based on years of experience" (he said that twice during the conversation).
He says he's worried about what will happen with me and said that it's important to say goodbyes in a well manner.

I feel he's once again putting me down by hinting that I am doing an immature thing by telling him on the phone that I want to take a break.
I also feel that he'll be using the meeting as a lure to keep me in his therapy.

Thoughts?

[lucozader]

I think he's right that things should be ended carefully and properly. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to though!

Did he actually say "mature"? If so, I don't like his wording. Implying you're "immature" is definitely not okay.

It's one thing to sob on the phone and say "you're a stupid poopie head!", but your decision was not immature or based on immature feelings.

Regardless, I think he does mean well when he says he wants to talk to you before you take a break with him. I can't tell you whether or not he's trying to lure you in to continuing therapy because I don't know him, but I think if you do go to that appointment that you're of sound mind to determine whether or not he wants to lure you in.

Has he tried to lure you in before?

[JaneTennison1]

It is great to end things in a good way but you get to define what that is, not him. If closing out or taking a break can be done by phone then that's great. He doesn't get to decide what's mature or helpful to you or push you into anything.

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Did he actually say "mature"? If so, I don't like his wording. Implying you're "immature" is definitely not okay.

It's one thing to sob on the phone and say "you're a stupid poopie head!", but your decision was not immature or based on immature feelings.

Regardless, I think he does mean well when he says he wants to talk to you before you take a break with him. I can't tell you whether or not he's trying to lure you in to continuing therapy because I don't know him, but I think if you do go to that appointment that you're of sound mind to determine whether or not he wants to lure you in.

Has he tried to lure you in before?

Yeah, he said "mature". That statement irritated me on the inside.
No, I've never been lured before, this is the first time I called on a break bold and clear.
It's just that the meetings with him felt like they're buttered - swaying away from the topics I want to focus on, such as mood states and other internal things like sexual identity. He's not giving answers, only wanting to put practical focus, quite frequently giving a meeting epilogue of "We can use the meetings to do X", "Let us see how we can solve Y" and other such quotes of future expectations, without FOCUS!

Sometimes I'd feel like I'm talking to a wall.
During our first meetings, I intensively laid out most or all my problems, and he'd just go "yes, those are many problems, but overtime it will all drain a bit and we can put focus on more specific topics."
He's never been doing any part in this...

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Yeah, he said "mature". That statement irritated me on the inside.
No, I've never been lured before, this is the first time I called on a break bold and clear.
It's just that the meetings with him felt like they're buttered - swaying away from the topics I want to focus on, such as mood states and other internal things like sexual identity. He's not giving answers, only wanting to put practical focus, quite frequently giving a meeting epilogue of "We can use the meetings to do X", "Let us see how we can solve Y" and other such quotes of future expectations, without FOCUS!

Sometimes I'd feel like I'm talking to a wall.
During our first meetings, I intensively laid out most or all my problems, and he'd just go "yes, those are many problems, but overtime it will all drain a bit and we can put focus on more specific topics."
He's never been doing any part in this...

Well, that's certainly not nice. Sorry he called you immature.

It sounds like you and your therapist don't click well. You're looking to solve very specific issues, but your needs aren't getting properly (or fully) addressed. That's a good enough reason to either tell him how you feel or walk away and find a new therapist.

But in his defense, he may not be aware of why you're unsatisfied with him unless you've specifically told him so. It's kind of difficult to read a client's mind, and therapists can't always change their approach unless they get direct feedback. They're taking a shot in the dark. Though if you've told him before that he wasn't meeting your needs and he still doesn't meet your needs, then he's obviously not the right therapist for you. An ignorant therapist is a useless therapist. At which point, I will say you just need to find a new guy.

[here today]

I think he's trying to be controlling, based on his "years of experience". You have years of experience with yourself. The situation doesn't sound healthy to me, based on my years of experience as a client. But then I've had a lot of negative experiences with therapists which undoubtedly colors my view.

Is there anything stopping you from going back after your break? Would he refuse to accept you back, for instance? There again,if that's his position, it doesn't sound healthy to me.

[AllHeart]

You don't owe him anything. It was "mature" enough of you to call him and tell him you are taking a break. Unless you think a session about taking a break will have value to you (not him), why bother?

[luvnola]

Therapy is about you and what you need and what works for you, so you get to decide how to end or have a break; it's not up to him. If you're okay with a phone call, then that's fine. I've never needed 'closure sessions' when leaving a t, and a phone call saying I won't be back works for me so that's what I do.

[unaluna]

I think what the t is actually saying is, "okay, i realize now that i have been acting a little too harshly with you, which i have been doing on purpose. The purpose was to make you mad enough to complain, like you are doing now, that you dont like THIS way of interacting with people. The thing is, this is how things USUALLY go between you and other people. I get that. The only way it will stop, is if YOU do something different. And that something different would be, for you to come in and confront me, not run away from it."

My vote is to take a chance, go in and say kinda horrible stuff. Dont yell, but say what you are afraid to say.

Originally Posted by unaluna

I think what the t is actually saying is, "okay, i realize now that i have been acting a little too harshly with you, which i have been doing on purpose. The purpose was to make you mad enough to complain, like you are doing now, that you dont like THIS way of interacting with people. The thing is, this is how things USUALLY go between you and other people. I get that. The only way it will stop, is if YOU do something different. And that something different would be, for you to come in and confront me, not run away from it."

My vote is to take a chance, go in and say kinda horrible stuff. Dont yell, but say what you are afraid to say.

Sounds tempting, but it's just playing around for me, I hate that kind of approach.
I remember one time, a few minutes before the ending of a meeting, I asked him how to cope with my moods multiple times, and he'd get away with not giving me an answer by just being silent and moving on to a different topic.
He's NOT listening to me, and he's playing the "free talk" kind of therapy to let himself do as he pleases, as it feels to me.
I don't come here for a playground or for his matrix simulation world (as it seems to me). I sometimes get the feeling that there is something behind all this waste of time, but it's frustrating me even more because I hate it when someone hides info about me from me as it puts me in a more inferior spot.

When I'd tell him what is wrong, he'd go "what do you have to offer instead?" or "let's see how we can make this better through talking". He's trapping me and he's going to drive me insane inside, I'd feel like throwing an object on him for his stupid games.

Edit:More feelings - he's decapitating me and pushes my buttons so I'll stay in his therapy.
I don't think I can trust therapy anymore, if it always ends up being like this.

Edit 2: A question - if I lay out my problems and feelings and he keeps buttering the time and not FOCUSING on my feelings as if he's not really listening and accepting what I have to say... wow, I just don't want to come to that meeting, emotionally manipulating me to think I'm immature and that I should keep believing there's "something behind all this" is only making me waste my time further.
I just feel like SMSing him "I won't be coming to the meeting. How much do I have to pay for the previous meeting?" and respond to nothing but an answer to my question, with "Thank you. Was nice knowing you."

[unaluna]

(((Vo))) - yeah if theres still a communication gap, it sounds like you have given him enough chances.

[here today]

Yeah, I get that sometimes a good T can "play" me a little, if they are consciously using countertransference feelings. But not if they are unconsciously reacting to their own stuff. Hard to tell the difference sometimes.

I processed a lot of my negative feelings about my last T on here. Have had some occasional communication with her since leaving. It may eventually resolve, may not.

So, I'm back to "what's the problem with taking a break"? Why do you have to do things HIS way? Why would he insist that you do things HIS way, "based on his years of experience", etc., etc.

I sometimes get the feeling that there is something behind all this waste of time, but it's frustrating me even more because I hate it when someone hides info about me from me as it puts me in a more inferior spot.

Eventually what came to me was that the lack of understanding and rejection by my last T mimicked horrible experiences from my childhood. It finally hit me that those were feelings I had had about important people in my life as a child. I had had lots defenses against those feelings. So then a horrible, demoralized depression resulted, probably something I had felt as child but then built up defenses against. I stayed in bed for 2 days, had trouble for several weeks. I'm doing better now.

Maybe I can get "well" now? Maybe not.

Maybe getting you to a similar horrible experience is what you T is trying to do, somehow? But not very skillfully and with his own stuff getting mixed up in things?

My last T admitted to some stuff, sort of, but because she hadn't quite resolved it, probably, she couldn't fully own it. Well, that makes sense -- when I haven't fully integrated my problem components I can't "own" them emotionally either even when I can kind of see it intellectually.

Anyway -- take what you like of this and leave the rest, as they say in the 12-step programs. Best of luck to you!!!! Any chance you're Irish, as this is St. Patrick's Day?