[Tbhimscared]

So where I live we don't really have a great mental health care system, and we only have a few private therapists that I definitely cannot afford. So I'm stuck with the public health therapists. I really like the girl I'm talking to, she's really nice I just find it's so hard to open up completely to her. My town is really small and I'm scared to open up and then see her in public, even though she isn't allowed to interact with me in public unless I initiate it. During our sessions I get SO NERVOUS and I'm shaking and I rip up pieces of paper to try and calm myself down and I'm sweaty and my voice is shaky. Also, I'm a psych student and I know a lot about therapy so it's hard to get any help from her when I already know a lot of the stuff. At this point I've built up such huge walls around my emotions and feelings that I find it hard to show "weakness" during my sessions, even though that's the best place for things like that to happen. I suffer from anxiety, depression, OCD (still finalizing the diagnosis) and likely an eating disorder, and it's hard to continue when I already know the tactics she'll use to help me. I can't break away from my practical, student-like point of view to be able to really get much out of my sessions. And maybe I'm too impatient with my therapist (I've only been there about 5 times). Does anyone have any advice on how to overcome this fear of my own therapist? I can't afford to try a new therapist, and I really do like her I just haven't been able to open up.

[BlessedRhiannon]

You've only seen her 5 times...that's not much to build on yet. Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to open up right now. It takes time to build up the trust necessary to get to the hard work of therapy. Maybe there are things you can work on now to help build trust - can you work on just being present in the session? Noticing and maybe talking about the anxiety you feel about being there? Can you journal and then share parts of those entries? Start slowly and let trust build until you feel safe being vulnerable with her. It's great that you like your therapist, that's a good first step to getting to a point where you can trust her, but it's totally okay if that takes time.

[Daeva]

The therapist I had the best relationship with and worked very well together, it took 10 months for me to open up. 5 Sessions is nothing, there's nothing there. Give it time, go with the flow of the session.

[AllHeart]

I don't think your therapist is your fear, I think you are your fear. It kind of sounds like you are using your psych student knowledge as an excuse to avoid having to do the deep, intense work often required in therapy. You even refer to disclosing your feelings and emotions as weaknesses. They are vulnerabilities -- never a weakness. Try to let yourself be a client and give your therapist a chance. I would think knowing all that you do about your therapists tactics would make for good collaborating. Try to let go of the projections and allow yourself the full experience so you can heal. Also, allowing yourself to go through this experience will make you a better therapist in the future (if that's what you are going for). You'll better know how to help your clients because you will know what it's like to be in their shoes.

[satsuma]

Is it possible to go to therapy in another town? So that you wouldn't be so afraid of meeting in public?
If this isn't possible, can you talk to T about your fears?
When I first started therapy, I was afraid of many things, and one time I felt as if I was going to vomit over T's floor! The thing that helped the most was telling my fears to T and having a conversation about it. It took a lot of courage at the beginning, but it was most definitely worth it.

[Tbhimscared]

I don't think I could really go to someone else further away just because of money and travel would be hard to figure out. She's been getting me to write things down but when I bring it to our sessions I freeze up and skim over the bad stuff and stick to the not so bad stuff. I'm going again tomorrow and hopefully I'll get the courage to be real with her

[satsuma]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I don't think I could really go to someone else further away just because of money and travel would be hard to figure out. She's been getting me to write things down but when I bring it to our sessions I freeze up and skim over the bad stuff and stick to the not so bad stuff. I'm going again tomorrow and hopefully I'll get the courage to be real with her

Good luck! It may help to write yourself a script? And then tell her you have things that are difficult to share, so she can help you?
I hope it goes well!

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I don't think I could really go to someone else further away just because of money and travel would be hard to figure out. She's been getting me to write things down but when I bring it to our sessions I freeze up and skim over the bad stuff and stick to the not so bad stuff. I'm going again tomorrow and hopefully I'll get the courage to be real with her

What about writing some things down and giving it to your t to read? When I first started, I gave my old t all kinds of notes. It was very helpful for me because t would then be the one to gently start the dialogue on a difficult topic. It was kind of the ice breaker I needed. Just a suggestion.

[Tbhimscared]

Thanks everyone, I think I'll let her read my notes tomorrow at my appointment but I'm so embarrassed about my handwriting and it's so messy she may not be able to even read it but I'll try. I'm so glad I joined psych central to talk to people who understand what I'm going though

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

During our sessions I get SO NERVOUS and I'm shaking and I rip up pieces of paper to try and calm myself down and I'm sweaty and my voice is shaky..

That sounds somewhat traumatic, or at least acutely distressing. Why do you want to inflict this on yourself?

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

Thanks everyone, I think I'll let her read my notes tomorrow at my appointment but I'm so embarrassed about my handwriting and it's so messy she may not be able to even read it but I'll try. I'm so glad I joined psych central to talk to people who understand what I'm going though

Good luck! You know there's always the computer (assuming you have a working printer to go along with it). Let us know how it goes tomorrow, if you wish.

[BipolarMama31]

I fortunately have a choice for therapists in my situation, and it took about 5 years and about 15 "first sessions" and probably 8 or so "ghosting a new therapist within 3-6 months".
So I understand that finding a person you 'click' with and you can trust takes hard work and emotional vulnerability.
Luckily you seem to like her and get along, it's just no trust ... yet.
I think you are standing in your own way and need to open up to start with about the anxiety over just being in a session. I think it may be you have high expectations and know the textbook, so to say, techniques and are waiting for them to fail as an excuse to not go the next step emotionally.

I'd say give it more time, and be open and honest about your current feelings, and know that she is not judging you. She is there to help.