Ugh (re: group)

Ugh.

Another miserable experience in group therapy tonight. I've figured out that any stresses in my life amplify existing fears. Like flying for example. I had to fly over Labor Day weekend, and I was miserably nervous, much more so than usual. Because of the other factors stressing me out (my lost job, etc.), I had less control over my fear of flying than I usually do (so I sat there and sweat bullets). But about group: suddenly I'm far more uncomfortable at the thought of an audience than usual. I felt nervous and child-like and couldn't think of anything to say. Luckily the early part of the group was dominated by a couple of the other members having a discussion. But later on they tried to involve me again (fruitless effort as usual). This time one guy said that he was feeling connected to everyone in the group except for me (which figures since I feel like an outsider). And I know they wanted me to talk and discuss why it's hard for me to connect etc. Only I couldn't think of anything to say. So I said a few empty sentences (I rarely give more than the skeleton of what I'm thinking) and dropped it. With everyone still staring at me. Then T tried to get me to talk more. He asked me what I thought of the guy asking the question (I noticed later that he said "thought" rather than "felt" so he was really trying to intellectualize it and make it easier for me). I said I didn't know, he said "yes you do" and tried to help me by interpreting a couple of things that I had said. Only I couldn't think of anything to add and so I felt like an idiot. So I just said "I don't want to talk" and gave up (my reaction to feeling cornered). Dude in group had pointed out that I'd been there 8 months without ever connecting. Like I don't know that. Anyway, it was miserable.

In retrospect, there are a whole slew of things going on in my life that I might have spoken about to them (and they would have liked that), only none came into my head when I was there. Well, none except when I said I no longer wanted to talk about work (hate going in there every week and saying "no I haven't found anything yet"). So I guess the one thing I did say could be translated as "butt out."

I think that until my life has improved a lot, I'm going to be horribly anxious about having an audience. So I don't anticipate that this can even get better any time soon. So I'm back to the should-I-quit-group-now question again. I hate spending the money on going and not getting anything out of it. But I can't even try. I say almost nothing and barely even respond to the others there though I do listen to their stories. I don't know why I'm like this. I think I just tried group because T wanted me to without my ever being able to drum up a real desire of my own to participate.

Blah. I wasn't even doing that well at it when my life was in better shape. Though occasionally I looked forward to it.

Okay that's my venting for tonight. Any thoughts on whether I should just quit and have done with it?

Sidony

I don't know about the quitting question, but while you're there......

While you're listening to people's stories does anything pop into your head that you'd like to ask them? That might be easier as an initial way to connect than talking about yourself.

Sometimes I ask questions, but mostly I'm nervous even about that. And my nervousness just got exponentially worse because I'm feeling so down on myself. It's been such a long time and I've gotten nowhere. Maybe this mode of therapy just doesn't work for me.

I hope tomorrow's individual session goes well. Collecting any good vibes anyone wants to send me....

For what it's worth I think quit if you want. Expecially if you're paying for it. I always sit and think, how many hours I have to sit at crappy work to earn enough money to pay for things, is group worth those hours of hard earned cash?? Group is not for everyone and can even be bad for some people.
I never wanted to go but went to placate some people. I sort of got myself kicked out by telling someone that something was their fault (well, it was) and they should take some responsibility for their own actions for once and to stop complaining and to get of their *** and do something about it instead of coming and *****ing to us. it was true, but I guess I could of put it a bit more delicately. I also thought that it was just full of people who seemed to like an audience and sympathy. Like some support groups where everyone just sits and whinges. Needless to say I didn't divulge any of my stuff and never went back.

Good vibes on the way.

Rapunzel, thanks for the good vibes! Therapy is soon (I better get dressed!)

Smiley, wow. I bet it felt good to go off on someone, but yeah I can see how they might not have appreciated it. I think negative thoughts about people in group sometimes but never manage to say any of them. Some of the other group members go off on each other though. Two of them have flat-out stated that they don't like each other. And yeah I wonder if group isn't doing me more harm than good, given I feel so rotten about it.

Sidony

Good luck!

Thanks, individual therapy was definitely helpful. I always feel better afterward (even during it today). I wish I could go every day.....

(Kinda different from how I feel about group!)

Sidony

sidony, that is great individual therapy was so helpful.

RE group: it sounds like you have a ton of stressors in your life right now. Group has always been a stressor for you but now you have all this other stuff too. When I get too much stress in my life, I try to remove what is not absolutely essential, to decrease the stress level. Then I take care of the most pressing stuff, and can then let the not so urgent stressors back into my life, if I choose. In otherwords, how about dropping group therapy for the time being, until you get some of your other stuff (i.e. the job) taken care of? You just don't need extra stress right now. Could you explain to the group that you will be taking a temporary leave to deal with some problems, but you hope to rejoin them as soon as possible in the future?

Good luck with this.

I'm glad individual therapy helped! Did you bring up your doubts about group therapy to your individual therapist?

It sounds like you have given group therapy a good effort....8 months is certainly longer than I could have ever made it. Seems like things are becoming quite stressful for you in group, IMO, I would seriously consider terminating group therapy.

Keep us updated on how things are going!


Dee

Sunrise's advice sounded good. To put in a little good word for group therapy, you can see people making progress in our group, and it does take time. One girl was in the group for 5 years, and apparently didn't talk much for the first four! She found her voice in the year we overlapped and has just left to try out getting a social life.

I can ask others questions, but find it really hard to talk about myself, which mirrors real life. I'm (Edit: still!) working on that. I know how hard it is to speak up, especially when the pressure's on. It's easy to be down on yourself too, but if you can give yourself time, and ask the others to give you time maybe that would help. You said that previously you even looked forward to it. That could happen again when you're feeling less down on yourself.

Hey thanks for all the input everyone! And yeah I think that's good advice sunrise. I might just drop it for the time being. I imagine I could always get back in. I guess it's best if I talk about this stuff with the group though (which I dread). The irony is that I think groups are intended to be a really good support when you have life problems, etc. But I guess that's only if you can make a strong connection with the group (which I have not been able to do).

Debbie, yeah it's really hard for me to talk about myself. I don't even find that I want to. I guess over time I lost interest in connecting. You know I think that I don't want to connect now because I feel shame about the state of my life. Being out of work, having screwed up what should have been a really good relationship, etc. makes me feel really worthless sometimes. And I know things will get better, but I need them to be better before I can connect with other folks.

Thanks for all the input everyone. I appreciate it!

Sidony

Oh forgot to answer one question in my last post:

Soliaree, yes I did talk with my therapist about my doubts about group. As expected, he still doesn't want me to quit. He argues that withdrawing is not the best way to cope with depressing life events and wants me to talk about feeling depressed about everything. And I do mention it in group, but I don't get heavily into it. For me, I don't want to invite people into questioning me (stressful) so I keep things short. T argues that this is a perceived burden (obligation to share) that doesn't have to be there (or something to that effect, it confuses me).

Sidony

Sidony, your T seems really heavily invested (based on this and your past posts over the months) in your being in group. I wonder why? You have to do what is best for you right now, no matter how your T perceives it. And your decision is not irrevocable, you can always just leave the group temporarily. Good luck with your decision!

if one doesn't have a strong ego defence then groups can be very painful because all sorts of projections are going on. Lots of unconsious arrows being shot.

For me to much group activity for pleasure or recovery isn't good, one feels forced to fall into the party line. Loose oneself in the hope of recieving the "love" of the group.

Anxiety increases, one feels at war within and without at times.

When one doesnt toe the "party" line then one feels as if they have failed, or are wrong, when to be human means to able to just be who they are. This is hard in a group setting.

Sidony, think about this wonderful post you wrote here and how we're a "group"! There's nothing "wrong" with you that you are uncomfortable/anxious in that group and struggling because you've never been in such an environment. I was in group therapy for 10 years and it was only in the last year or two that I started "talking" at all. It's hard work! I would stay a bit longer, maybe write out a sentence or two to say about things you think you might be able to talk a bit more about: maybe how depressing/anxiety producing not being able to find a job is?

I also go there feeling that I just don't want to share, but that's how I've trained myself to be. It's actually helping me being here, as Perna says, and trying things out in a non-threatening environment. I don't think you need to feel shame about the state of your life, I don't think anyone here would agree with you about that, just feel sympathy for you and want to support you. If the people in your group are ordinary, decent people they would be the same. Part of the process in the group is facing up to your fears and going outside your comfort zone (in your own time). Whatever you manage to talk about with them (whether staying or having a break) will be a great step forward. Good luck!

Thanks everyone,

I'll let y'all know what happens with me. I know I go all over the place when it comes to what I think of group.

Yeah sunrise, T has always wanted me in group. I wonder if I just have "needs to be in group" stamped on me somewhere. It's certainly true that I don't cope well with things like interpersonal conflict (totally avoidant) and I constantly battle social anxiety. So I see his point.

And yeah Perna & Debbie, PC does feel like group therapy to me. Except it's a group where I get plenty of time to think of what I want to say! It's taken me several minutes just to figure out how to word this post for example. When it's verbal I feel like I need to go faster and then I stress out and clam up.

I'll talk about needing a break and see how that goes...

Thanks everyone,
Sidony

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Mouse_ said:
Anxiety increases, one feels at war within and without at times.

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Certainly sums up how I feel sometimes! Couldn't decide whether to mention that I needed a break while at the same time I was trying to figure out how to react to questions about what I thought of another group member (when he was commenting on how he felt connected to everyone except me)....

Sidony

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When it's verbal I feel like I need to go faster and then I stress out and clam up.

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I'm with you there too! I'd suggest telling them this, and saying you need a bit of time to get your words out. If it doesn't go perfectly first time round, don't worry about it. I've found it takes practice.