[Elio]

Background for those not following my story: I recently had ftm top surgery (breast removal and chest masculinization). I am relatively close to my family, seeing them like 6 x year, they live with 2 hours of me. I am almost 50 yrs old and for the last 20, I have worn exclusively male clothing and bound my chest; however, most people just saw me a masculine lesbian and I never discussed with people outside a very few the extent of my gender and body dysphoria. I especially did not tell my family. In fact it is still hard for me to verbalize to most people.

Additionally, I didn't want my family to come up because I always feel like I need to take care of them, not that they are there for me. Which was why I wanted my T to be there. It is the only relationship that is about me.

When I went in for surgery I told my family that it was cosmetic and body shaping from weight loss. I told my mom the day before...push came to shove and what I felt was my duty over came my desires, well enough to let her know I was having surgery, not enough to be completely honest. My mom wanted to come up for the surgery. I asked her not to. She said ok, she understood. Later she told my wife that she thought about still coming up and then leaving when I got out of surgery but before I woke up, that way I wouldn't know she was here.

When I told T about it I was all, how that was completely about her...her wants. I was angry about this and at her. Then I told T that the only reason she didn't come up is because she was able to follow the surgery online and she didn't know how much walking she'd need to do. (She had back surgery right before Christmas and it hasn't helped things.) To which T responded, that even her reason to not come up was about her and that it wasn't like some light bulb went off for my mom and she decided not to come up out of respect for me and my request.

I went on to talk about how she would have found out the truth of the surgery had she came up. However since session, I've been thinking about the statement from T. When T first said it, I lost what little anger I had. Now I feel sadness, maybe resignment...I don't/can't get angry about it.

I don't know what I want from typing this up...just been on my mind.

[Elio]

oh btw, she is coming up to visit today. My wife is all, it's noticeable that I had chest surgery and am I prepare for her questions. My wife says I just need to figure out how much I want to talk about it and let her know, that she'll support me.

The problem is I don't want to talk about it at all, and I don't want to feel like it is an elephant in the room.

[ruh roh]

Oh man. I can relate. I wonder how many minutes will pass before she makes your surgery about her.

Can you promise yourself something enjoyable or comforting for yourself in celebration for when she leaves?

[Demunie]

Hugs elio.. I'm glad your surgery went well and that you were able to do something for yourself. If you don't want to talk about it, that's ok.

Maybe just tell your mom: "Look, I did this and this, but I don't want to talk about it. If you're not ok with it, just leave".

[Elio]

well...all she said was that I looked good, and proceeded to ask about the costs and if insurance covered it and why I went with who I went with...

I saw this as her trying to engage but not know the how, what, where's of what is safe to talk about. My daughter, who was also here and knows the extent of the surgery, is now expecting to be asked about the top surgery.

And we talked about the October surgery, which will be the ring around the middle skin clean up and the hysterectomy. So she knows that one is coming.