Hugs in therapy - only for the clients sake? Therapist doesn´t need our hugs.

. . .
I give you credit for putting yourself out there on this forum all the time. I would love to hear more about your childhood history, if ever comes a time you wish to share.

Some T:s give hugs, others don´t. I hug with my temporary counselor, a hug when we meet before our session starts. It feels kind of nice but not when I realized the hug isn´t mutual.

It´s always me who takes initiative to a hug and I understand most T:s do it that way, they don´t touch the client unless the client shows he or she want a hug, a handshake or such.

But when I got this thought about the hug not being mutual it felt degrading. That I hug without no form of mutuality. I understand it and my counselor hasn´t done anything, it´s just that if I don´t show I´m about to give her a hug she won´t initiate it. That´s kind of standard, at least here in Sweden, a kind of "therapeutic conduct".

But now I feel sad, it feels in some way dirty (not in an erotic way) to hug someone who doesn´t hug back on the same premises. My counselor doesn´t need my hug, she´s married and has friends and that makes this thought even worse. She hugs me in some kind of "charity act" and it feels deeply sad.

How does it feel to you if people put "Hugs" on your posts? Does that feel the same or even worse since it's not even real life?

I'm not a huggy person, and I almost never initiate a hug, however if s closer person needs a hug and initiates it I don't mind, and it sometimes makes me feel good too. Unless it's someone I don't know well, then it's just uncomfortable. I would probably never ask for hug from therapist and I wouldn't want him to hug me when I'm sad but he did initiate once when I was going away for a while. I think it was probably more for me than him, not sure, but it did feel right and appropriate and it stayed with me for a while
I think most of the time one person wants the hug more than the other and people often offer a hug to comfort a person, not for their own satisfaction, so I would say enjoy it if you can get it. Or maybe if it was less frequent, not every time you see each other, it would mean more? Maybe once you and your therapist got used to it, it seems more mechanical than genuine, so it doesn't have that comforting effect?

Hi Sarah, did you grow up with a parent who seemed to take care of your basic material needs due to obligation or duty rather than love?

I've wondered about details about your upbringing and might have asked you before. Hope that's not intrusive.

I read what you are saying is that you dont want a hug as obligation, but instead, you want the other person to want to hug you. Because they want to, not because they do it as some kind of appeasment for a client. Sort of like not wanting to go to a gathering to which you were not invited.

There are giving people like though, maybe hard to tell but mabe you are very perceptive and let a lot of information in, which can consist of super subtle micro bits, nearly invisible to some, from your environment- a 'thin ego'. If you have that, then maybe you are picking up on her relational patterns with clients.

I had a mother who acted like anything that had to do with her children was a duty or chore. Your issue reminded me of that. Well thats my issue, but i can identify with a lot of your feelings.

I give you credit for putting yourself out there on this forum all the time. I would love to hear more about your childhood history, if ever comes a time you wish to share.

Okay, this is going to perhaps sound weird, but I'm going to put it out there:

I'm a hugger. I come from a family of huggers. I grew up around family friends who were all huggers. We hugged every time we greeted each other or parted from each other. So I guess I don't put much thought into hugging. It is as normal and spontaneous as shaking hands is to others I guess (not sure the comparison works because strangely enough I find hand shaking awkward).

However, I don't hug people willy nilly, but I guess I've just gained a sense over the years about which people are also huggers and which are not. I don't go up to people and hug them if I don't get that sense that they are comfortable with hugging. How do I know? No idea. Not sure I can explain it to tell you the truth. I do think it is a bit of an innate personality thing.

With a therapist though, even if they are naturally huggy people, they put that initiation in the place of clients and it makes sense that it is that way. Two of my therapists were big huggers like me. I think we started hugging practically from session one just because we were mutually huggy people and we sensed that of each other. I never asked them for a hug; we just started hugging. My last therapist was not a naturally huggy person, and it was longer before we started hugging, but now when we see each other on occasion, hugging is the first thing we do.

Sarah, I say all of that because you assume that just because a therapist is a therapist, then their hug is fake. While it might be true, it may just be very possible that your counselor is perfectly comfortable with hugging and does so naturally, even with clients, not just as some sort of obligation.

I'm a teacher, and I don't make it a practice to hug my students; I certainly don't initiate hugs. But I have some students who, like me, are huggy people, and at some point they sense it is okay to give me a hug and I am quite pleased to give them a hug back.

Perhaps understanding that some people are perfectly comfortable with hugging others and do so not out of obligation but because they welcome a good hug might help you rethink your counselor's hugs and be willing to accept them at face value instead of analyzing them.

I am intrigued by your statement "I realised that it wasn't mutual". How did you realise this? Did you feel like she wasn't invested in the hug? Did she just stand there like a toy soldier when you hugged her? I am genuinely intrigued.

I would find that very difficult, I I thought my T was not invested in our touch, if I thought that she did it out of necessity for me etc etc. I must say that sometimes I feel like my T wants the hug or wants to hold my hands and for me that is more important than it sounds. Somebody actually wanting to be close to me emotionally or physically is still quite a bizarre experience, but through our work together it is becoming more normal for me to accept that it could be possible that other people might want this too.

If I felt like my T was just standing there when I hugged her, it wouldn't have any positive effect for me, but I would certainly talk to her about it. I think it is important and very helpful to be completely open and honest with T, for me anyway.

I am sorry that this is just another thing about your counsellors/therapists that unsettles or unnerves you.

Is it that the hugs (and therapy/counselling itself) bring out your feelings that you are 'other' or in someway outside? When I saw my last T who was blank slate and would almost never share any experiences, or personal thoughts or feelings I felt a bit like that. And I remember when I was very low about 9 years ago I felt disconnected from the world. Now that I'm feeling better I look back and see that as a symptom of depression rather than an actual state of being.

Some T:s give hugs, others don´t. I hug with my temporary counselor, a hug when we meet before our session starts. It feels kind of nice but not when I realized the hug isn´t mutual.

It´s always me who takes initiative to a hug and I understand most T:s do it that way, they don´t touch the client unless the client shows he or she want a hug, a handshake or such.

But when I got this thought about the hug not being mutual it felt degrading. That I hug without no form of mutuality. I understand it and my counselor hasn´t done anything, it´s just that if I don´t show I´m about to give her a hug she won´t initiate it. That´s kind of standard, at least here in Sweden, a kind of "therapeutic conduct".

But now I feel sad, it feels in some way dirty (not in an erotic way) to hug someone who doesn´t hug back on the same premises. My counselor doesn´t need my hug, she´s married and has friends and that makes this thought even worse. She hugs me in some kind of "charity act" and it feels deeply sad.

I don't think just because a person doesn't need the hug doesn't mean it isn't authentic. When somebody I know is struggling and I give them a hug them it is not because I need it. It is my way of comforting them and showing them I care.