[subtle lights]

I want this to work, to be open with my T. I've been having some insights about my issues but I feel he doesn't care. I keep telling him that I had so much to say, until the second I'm in his office, then my mind just goes blank and I can't open my mouth.I mean I can but it's not what I wanted to say, or noy like that. He says that maybe it's not so relevant for me then, that's why it doesn't come.
But it's also my HUGE fears of embarrasment.

He triggers me somehow and I get always angry there at one point. My feelings change towards him a lot in a single session. But other people don't trigger me like that, or they do but not with that intensity.

Maybe the fact that he triggers me a lot shows that there is something to explore? I constantly feel he doesn't get me but lately I'm ulta-sensitive to any remote sign of rejection also with others. Still, I feel like I'm not doig something right.
I don't really have the option now to switch to another T, plus I hate endings.
I'm in a very vulnerable phase right now, and I feel I need more support somehow...

[lucozader]

I can certainly relate to a lot of what you say, and I do think there's something to explore there - a lot to explore, in fact. I don't have any answers for you though.

We are here for you…

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

I want this to work, to be open with my T. I've been having some insights about my issues but I feel he doesn't care. I keep telling him that I had so much to say, until the second I'm in his office, then my mind just goes blank and I can't open my mouth.I mean I can but it's not what I wanted to say, or noy like that. He says that maybe it's not so relevant for me then, that's why it doesn't come.
But it's also my HUGE fears of embarrasment.

He triggers me somehow and I get always angry there at one point. My feelings change towards him a lot in a single session. But other people don't trigger me like that, or they do but not with that intensity.

Maybe the fact that he triggers me a lot shows that there is something to explore? I constantly feel he doesn't get me but lately I'm ulta-sensitive to any remote sign of rejection also with others. Still, I feel like I'm not doig something right.
I don't really have the option now to switch to another T, plus I hate endings.
I'm in a very vulnerable phase right now, and I feel I need more support somehow...

The bit about maybe it's not so relevant for you would annoy me. It seems like he doesn't get what you are saying.

It seems like you are struggling a lot, your volatile feelings toward him in session, your sensitivity to rejection. Can you tell him that part and see what happens?

[here today]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

He triggers me somehow and I get always angry there at one point.

. . .
I don't really have the option now to switch to another T, plus I hate endings.
I'm in a very vulnerable phase right now, and I feel I need more support somehow...

I stuck with a T who triggered me, too. Was not able to see that the problem was her until after we had a rupture without repair.

I was used to trying my best to make things work but some things just can't, because of the other person.

Might be helpful to try to write out here what seems to trigger you? May definitely be some of your own stuff, but if it's his, too, then you definitely can't do it all by yourself.

Ranting here has helped me a lot to work out some of my own stuff as well the frustration and the ending of my last therapy. Even if you hate endings. . .might not hurt to consider a little about what that would look like?

Or maybe I'm way off -- and I trust you to decide that!!

[stopchewinggum]

Have you explained to him that you feel embarrassed bringing stuff up to him? That might give him a different view of what's really going. Besides that, when you have a lot to say and then your mind goes blank, that sounds like anxiety. If the idea that your experiencing anxiety when you see your T resonates with you, perhaps also mention that.

[BudFox]

Not sure if this is helpful, but I found the format of therapy stressful. I felt pressure to make use of the one or two hours per week. I would stew over this all week, then show up and already be on edge. Plus some therapists play subtle intimidation games, not greeting you properly or staring you down or positioning their chair in such a way as to provoke inferiority feelings, all of which is unnerving. Not surprising the mind can go blank. Feeling embarrassed or nervous, who wouldn't when facing a person who sits there scrutinizing, assessing, mentally labeling? It's like an interrogation in some ways, under the bright lights.

[growlycat]

Do you think that the fact that he is a man is what is triggering?

Or is it some mannerism or something he is doing? I personally don't do well with long silences.

Just a thought, he might be inadvertently invalidating you when you do tell him things, making you feel like he doesn't care.

I have the same problem, as in going blank as soon as I get at T's. Or sometimes I'm experiencing a different ego state so what I was going to say doesn't feel at all relevant. I try journaling in between sessions, and even then it can be difficult for me to read to him something that I don't really feel at the time. Telling anyone something about yourself makes one feel vulnerable, and the fear of embarrassment or rejection may come up.

When he triggers you, can you think of what he said? Try to notice how you feel in response to what he/she says/does. Share this if you feel comfortable, if not, remember to write it down. It may help you figure out what is happening. I also am massively sensitive to possible rejection/embarrassment, so I totally get what you mean. With T often being seen as a parental figure, that would cause him to be able to affect you more than others. (Just one possibility)

Can you start with telling T that you have things that you want to say but you're too afraid of the embarrassment/rejection you might feel? This is where real healing can occur, from you disclosing personal information and having your T validating/accepting it. You are the patient and you are trying and doing things the right way. I do hope you can take a risk and see how it goes. Keep us posted! When is your next session?

[subtle lights]

Thank you all for your replies.

There are many things here.. I'm definitely experiencing a lot of anxiety lately, one of the reasons I'm there.
What I noticed with T, that since I've started going there I started becoming more self-destructive...I think I needed him to acknoledge the pain I'm in and also to feel that he cares. I'm aware how chldish that sounds..And maybe it's true that there is some parent-child dynamic going on there, me trying to get some feelings out of him, and I'm obviously not getting them. That's definitely the case...but I think I might be not so consciously trying to push his boundaries...I know I have this tendency.
Lately I noticed I'm extremely sensitive to "cold" reactions from people. Like, please, react in some way but don't stay cold. It's painful. I might have the same issue with him.

I know that lately I feel this huge thirst for emotional support/ connection...Maybe I have different expectations from him than he is willing to offer. Just that thought is scaring me. Maybe he'd decided that the suppotive type of therapy wouldn't be helpful for me or maybe it's his own style.
I would need more emotional support from him but this is something I would not ask in any case because the answer might make me cry on the spot.

I can't say it hasn't been helpful going there. I just feel a bit lost, because I don't understand how will I ever get out of this mental state I'm in, where I cannot even work, think clearly. Maybe I could tell him about this. I need some clarity, some stability, not just going there and let's see what happens, if I've been suicidal, that's okay, if I've been sad that's okay. Again, my issue with "I need another reaction from him".

I am confused as hell lately and my therapy reflects that

I don't understand exactly what's going on. Maybe I feel therapy is too superficial, but maybe I am doing all that.

Sorry, my brain is a bit foggy today, maybe not making much sense.

[BudFox]

Foggy brain, can't think, anxiety, suicidal... makes me wonder what is going on physiologically. I have most of these problems and many more. I would never look to a therapist to solve any of them, nor a psychiatrist. As for emotional support, I see nothing wrong with wanting this, and if therapy leaves you feeling bereft, because its a professional relationship and you are only getting little dollops of faux-caring, I hardly think you're to blame for feeling ill at ease with that.