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  #1  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 12:14 AM
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please don't hurt me
i'm not going to hurt you - you can trust me
messages exuded by our bodies
the posture
the tone of voice
the eyes
the dance
the backwards and forwards
the ups and downs
the irrelevance of content
the round and round.

it is a dynamic that isn't enacted outside therapy.
it isn't
It Isn't
'cept of course it is
it is just more subtle.
Therapy holds it under a magnifying lens
where his gaze has the potential to burn
the shame
the wanting to fall through the floor
the longing for disembodiment
the desire for invisibility
you can't see me
(please)
you can't see me.

i splinter under his gaze sometimes
shards breaking off
i hold up the most reasonable shard
understanding.
comprehension.
sympathy.
concern.
and he tries to track the feeling
but it dances away
does it hurt him sometimes?
the way the light catches it?
just a spark and then its gone.
he seeks it
searches
i hide it carefully
show him little bits sometimes
flashes
important not to get lost in it.
important not to get lost
and there we disagree
but i think...
i think...
it is important to keep the reasonableness
to narrate around the flashes in a way such that i can live with myself.
in a way such that i can live with other people.
in a way such that i can live in this world.
everybody has got a story to tell
and so many filled with pain and despair
and the inadvertant induction of that in others.
it is important to keep the reasonableness
such that one can live with oneself.

and round and round we go.
it is amazing to me that in all this
he is still here
why hasn't he given up already?
why hasn't he been repulsed already?
maybe he didn't see after all.
maybe he didn't notice.
the black lines
the despair
the shame that is consuming
why in the world would he want to feel that?
because he can.
because he did.
i don't understand.

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  #2  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 12:38 AM
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When I read this it seems all too familiar..... could we have shared similar experiences? Did your therapist try to seduce you?
  #3  
Old Sep 10, 2007, 01:04 AM
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Hey. No, my therapist hasn't tried to seduce me to sleep with him or anything like that. I trust that even if I tried to seduce him he would tell me kindly but firmly 'no'. Not that I'm about to proposition him or make a move on him or anything, but just hypothetically speaking I trust that he has good boundaries and that he has his eye firmly on helping me get better rather than contributing towards my pathology.

That being said... There are erotic aspects in my attachment even if not in his. I suspect that there might be something erotic in his attachment to me... But it is of course possible that I'm projecting lol. It feels nice... To think that he does find me attractive (as I find him attractive). Helps me feel vibrant and alive and appreciated. But it only feels nice because I know that he understands about appropriate boundaries and that he would never cross them.
  #4  
Old Sep 13, 2007, 08:38 PM
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it is a dynamic that isn't enacted outside therapy
and yet, of course, it is.
he asked me about the boards today.
the theraputic window.
whether there was an analogue for that here.
i think there is.

words said
(elsewhere)
that i'm like the sun:
sometimes i warm
sometimes i illuminate
and sometimes i burn.

ouch
OUCH
what is the purpose of frustration?
to inspire one to stand up for oneself
and / or to stand up for someone else
but when the flashes are too intense
the frustration can't be used for good
and all thats to be done is blackness or burn
blackness or burn
blackness or burn
why don't people see my pain?
'cause sometimes i'm not so good at expressing
and 'cause sometimes i burn
and everyones gotta lick their own wounds.

sometimes i burn
i hurt
is it you or is it me?
boundaries dissolve and i can't see
what is the difference?
what is the difference?
what is the difference between you and me?

he says that i'm very empathetic
i'm not convinced that i'm empathetic enough
but maybe its true that i'm very empathetic to him
and why not?
his attention so focused
his hearing so tuned
whats not to empathise with that
to merge with the empathy
to feel warm and whole and safe for a while

the world hurts too much
don't leave me
  #5  
Old Sep 13, 2007, 09:47 PM
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sunrise sunrise is offline
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((((alex))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
he asked me about the boards today.
the theraputic window.
whether there was an analogue for that here.
i think there is.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Can you expand on that? What is a therapeutic window? And what is the analog here on the boards?
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  #6  
Old Sep 13, 2007, 10:56 PM
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An important and useful idea described in the self-trauma model is the concept of the “therapeutic window.” Briere (2002) describes this as the psychological area that has the upper limit of clients feeling overwhelmed by exposure to abuse-related material and the lower limit of excessive avoidance of traumatic material. The therapist strives to work within the area demarcated by the therapeutic window so that sessions are tolerable in intensity. At the upper limit of the therapeutic window, the experience is likely to become an “insurmountable affective task” (p. 185). On the other hand, interventions that are not psychologically demanding can result in minimal psychological growth or “a surmountable affective task” (p. 185). Therapists constantly monitor the amount of abuse-related distress that clients can tolerate, with the aim of balancing exploration and consolidation of traumatic material.

http://72.14.253.104/search?q=cache:BRS4ijhhfP0J:www.sagepub.com/upm-data/14228_Chapter3.pdf+"therapeutic+window"psychotherapy+definition+trauma&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=8&gl=au&client=firefox-a

i've been posting on message boards since about... the end of 2002. boards a little like these... i struggled with community mental health services back home for a long time trying to get a clinician who would work with me. didn't really happen. or if i did get to work with someone they would only be around for 3-6 months and then they would move on.

a board (a little like this one) became my therapy. it didn't constitute therapy in the sense that psychotherapy is a trade-marked term, but the board was my therapy at any rate. so... people would post to support me and to call me on my crap and to question me... and i'd get a great deal out of that process. and i'd post similarly to them, of course.

here is a little different. i think it is fair to say that people here are... a little more fragile? i always did need to be careful about posting to call people and / or question. here... i need to be even more so. maybe its not appreciated here... maybe it is... i think the way you go about it counts for a whole heap.

i've just been... missing past times. i've been... triggered by past feelings of being misheard / misunderstood / ignored. i've been... longing for times past when i feel connected (idealised in hindshight no doubt). the theraputic window is... about framing the message in a way that the message is theraputic and not overwhelming or 'too slow'. probably fairly abstract still... poems help sometimes precisely because of their ambiguity...
  #7  
Old Sep 14, 2007, 02:04 AM
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and of course it works in reverse. which was probably what my therapist was getting at. i much preferred to get inside his head and play his role, but of course he didn't mean for me to do that.

when i post there is a theraputic window. a theraputic window for posting when posts benefit and do not harm. i get the window wrong sometimes. i'm too emotional (unconsolible) or not emotional enough (critical) and things don't go so well when i'm not in the space.
  #8  
Old Sep 14, 2007, 02:09 AM
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sunrise sunrise is offline
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Thanks for the explanation, alex. I liked how you drew the analogy to message boards. Over the last few years, I have been very active on message boards (on various topics--PC is my first mental health support board), and each board has its own style and flavor. You have to get to know what is acceptable at each board. Even on PC, there are differences from forum to forum. I guess we each have to define our therapeutic window and seek out the resources that fall within that for ourselves.

Are you still active at the board that was helpful to you in the past? Is it still helpful?

I like your poems.

Poems help me when the feelings are too intense to express any other way.
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  #9  
Old Sep 14, 2007, 09:18 PM
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Yeah, board culture does indeed vary according to board. Different people do indeed have different theraputic windows, and I expect that what is theraputic changes over time depending on what else is going on in the persons life.

I have an ambivalent attachment to the board I used to post at. I don't want to get into too much of a discussion about that. Suffice it to say that I'm ambivalent about it. Sometimes I'll rail about it. Sometimes I'll feel sad about it. Sometimes I'll feel hurt about it. I'm presently blocked from posting there - but I don't wish to get into too much of a discussion about that.

I guess my attitude to it shows that it was challenging for me. Brought up a lot of stuff to do with my interpersonal style and past relationships and the like. Sometimes it exceeded my theraputic window, I guess. Othertimes... Well... Sometimes I feel like boards aren't challenging enough. I need to get a life, huh ;-) I do have a tendency to externalise ;-)

I've been looking for an online process group for a while now. Guess that there isn't one, really. I know there used to be online process groups, but there don't really seem to be anymore. I guess that the ones there are are likely to be entry restricted to people enrolled in a certain class or something like that. What do I mean by an online process group? Group therapy where the members fairly much run things, but where a moderator steps in to help process when things aren't going so well. Anyhoo... Boards really are what you make of them, I guess.

Thanks for your response. Means a lot. I know I'm probably sounding kinda cryptic. Hard to express sometimes. Poems are good for that, yeah.
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