Dear T: A Song for You

You can dream the American Dream
But you sleep with the lights on
And wake up with a scream
You can hope against hope
That nothing will change
Grab a hold of that fistful of rain

Grab a hold, grab a hold, grab a hold
Grab a hold, grab a hold, grab a hold of that
fistful of rain

When your grasp has exceeded your reach
And you put all your faith
In a figure of speech
You've heard all the answers
But the questions remain
Grab a hold of that fistful of rain

Grab a hold, grab a hold, grab a hold
Grab a hold, grab a hold, grab a hold of that
fistful of rain

And when diamonds turn back into coal
Grab a hold, children, grab a hold
When the mountains crumble
And you're ready to rumble
And roll like a runaway train...

And when diamonds turn back into coal
Grab a hold, children, grab a hold
When the mountains crumble
And you're ready to rumble
And roll like a runaway train...

In a heart there are windows and doors
You can let the light in
You can feel the wind blow
When there's nothing to lose
And nothing to gain
Grab a hold of that fistful of rain

Grab a hold, grab a hold, grab a hold of that
fistful of rain
Grab a hold, grab a hold, grab a hold of that
fistful of rain

Don't want to sit up straight
Or look you in the face
I keep checking over your shoulder
Cause I’ve been dreaming of low-flying jets
Sweet town knocked my head over
Over and over
You got your head in the clouds
You can't hear me at all
And I don't know what to say
Cause I don't know what's wrong
It's just a headache I suppose
Thrown back like a sinking boat
I keep thinking it's all over
Cause I’ve been dreaming of undertows
And the places that you go
And my head slips off your shoulder
You got your head in the clouds
You can't hear me at all
And I don't know what to say
Cause I don't know what's wrong
You can't hear me at all
Been staying up too late
I keep dreaming of lost in space
And when I wake up
I start to break up

I will do your interview
Try to explain what I'm going through
Give you something to read into in a million different ways
A sick version of telephone starts at the clip of the microphone
A game we thought we had all outgrown, but still everybody plays

Ignoring all of the remedies, believing all of the rumors
With their endless database
I wanna sit with my enemies and say, "We should have done this sooner"
While I look them in the face
Maybe that would crack the case

I got a friend who's been thinking 'bout finally kicking her husband out
His second life as a talent scout, finally got him caught
While she was throwing out all his clothes, she heard a voice from beyond the throes
"Punish him for the life he chose, but forgive the past that he did not!"

It's really hard to hate anyone, when you know what they've lived through
And once they've given you a taste
She said, "This is for you to overcome, but I will always love you"
In her perfect state of grace
Maybe that would crack the case

Now that we're through with formalities
What is it you wanna ask of me?
I'll answer open and honestly
Whatever that means
Finding out that we occupy
Somebody else's opposing side
On the banks of some great divide
Two versions of a dream

Countless revisions of history trying to tell us the future
Between each commercial break
I wanna call off the cavalry
Declare no winners or losers
And forgive our shared mistakes
You can pick the time and place
Maybe that would crack the case

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so well

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

Looking through the crowd
I search for someone else
But every time I turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never see me cry
You'll never see me cry

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll take
Though you may think I'm telling lies
But I just call it getting by

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows

Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows I am just barely getting by

Fear

All my life
Been running from a pain in me
A feeling I don't understand
Holding me down
So rain on me
Underwater
All I am, getting harder
A heavy weight
I carry around
Today
I don't have to fall apart
I don't have to be afraid
I don't have to let the damage
Consume me,
My shadow see through me
'Cause fear in itself
Will reel you in and spit you out
Over and over again
Believe in yourself
And you will walk
Now, fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
Like you were never enough
Yeah, I used to fall, now I get back up
I'm up here
I'm looking at the way down there
I'm staring through the I don't care
It's staring back at me
The beauty is
I'm learning how to face my beast
Starting now to find some peace
Set myself free, yeah
Today
I don't have to fall apart
I don't have to be afraid
I don't have to let the damage consume me
My shadow see through me
'Cause fear in itself
Will reel you in and spit you out
Over and over again
Believe in yourself
And you will walk
And now, fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
Like you were never enough
I used to fall but now I get back up
I'm moving on
Oh God just move on
Today
I don't have to fall apart
I don't have to be afraid
Get back up
Get up
Feel it, fear, wow
And now fear, fear in itself can use you up
And then breaks you down
You're never enough
And I used to fall
Breathe
Ask for more
If you're bitter still
Ask him to help you carry on

Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks
Some doors are open
Some roads are blocked

Sundowns are golden
Then fade away
But if I never do nothing
I'll get you back some day, 'cause

[Chorus:]
You got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

All around your island
There's a barricade
That keeps out the danger
That holds in the pain

Sometimes you're happy
Sometimes you cry
Half of me is ocean
Half of me is sky, but

[Chorus]

Some things are over
Some things go on
Part of me you carry
Part of me is gone, but

[Chorus]

[Chorus]

Dear T

“This could be the last time
May be the last time
But I don’t know
Oh no”

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path
The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon
The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

Dear T

“Paint it black”

The Rolling Stones

Dear T,
This just came up on my iTunes and doesn't necessarily have a particular significance to me at this moment, but at times it really touches me. It just seems to speak to vulnerability. Like, in the face of the world. I know you're not into music, and this is a song you can probably only understand by listening to it, not just reading the lyrics, but:

There is a town in North Ontario
Dream comfort memory to spare
And in my mind I still need a place to go
All my changes were there
Blue, blue windows behind the stars
Yellow moon on the rise
Big birds flying across the sky
Throwing shadows on our eyes
Leave us
Helpless, helpless, helpless, helpless
Babe, can you hear me now?
The chains are locked and tied across the door
Baby, sing with me somehow
Blue, blue windows behind the stars
Yellow moon on the rise
Big birds flying across the sky
Throwing shadows on our eyes
Leave us
Helpless, helpless, helpless, helpless

Out of our heads! I think it was the first album i ever bought.

When you asked how I've been here without you
I'd like to say I've been fine and I do
But we both know the truth is hard to come by
And if I told the truth that's not quite true

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones
Sometimes the hard times won't leave me alone
Sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in my bones
Some days are diamonds, some days are stones

Now the face that I see in my mirror
More and more is a stranger to me
More and more I can see there's a danger
In becoming what I never thought I'd be


Some days are diamonds, some days are stones
Sometimes the hard times won't leave me alone
Sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in my bones
Some days are diamonds, some days are stones

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones
Sometimes the hard times won't leave me alone
But sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in my bones
Some days are diamonds, some days are stones

I don't want to talk about it to you
I'm not an open book that you can rifle through
The cold hard truth that you'll see right to
I'm just a basket case without you

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case
Now I'm just a basket case

I don't say much and it'll stay that way
You got a steel train touch and I'm just a track you lay
So I'll stay right here underneath you
I'm just a basket case and that what we do

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?
Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in, I don't want it anymore

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case
Now I'm just a basket case
Now I'm just a basket case
Now I'm just a basket case

This song is one that I used when talking about my story in front of a group. It makes me think of T.

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it’s over now

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

Dear T,

Hold me down, lift me up
There's someone on the bedside waiting there for me
I hear my name, turn around
There's gotta be a downside, something I don't see
Around me, hide me

Dying in the light of the room
Blind side please
I don't really wanna be seen
In my own eyes

Something's wrong, awake all night
'Cause I can feel the dark side closing in on me
Do you see me as I see myself
I promise there's a downside, something you can't see
About me, hide me

Dying in the light of the room
Blind side please
I don't really wanna be seen
In my own eyes

Lost in translation, free to fall
One situation and lose it all

Hide me
Dying in the light of the room
Blind side please
I don't really wanna be seen...
I don't really wanna be seen
In my own eyes


Brandi Carlile, "In My Own Eyes"

Autograph- John Denver

Here I am closing my eyes again
Tryin' so hard not to see all the things that I see
Almost willing to lie again
I swear that it just isn't so, it just isn't me
We are never alone, even though we'd like to be

Then I go and open my eyes again
Love in your eyes is the thing that I'd most like to see
I'd be willing to die again
to know of a place and a time that it always will be

This is my autograph
Here in the songs that I sing
Here in My cry and my laugh
Here in the love that I bring
To be always with you
And you always with me

Say a prayer and open your heart again
You are the love and the light that we all need to see
Always willin' to shine and then
Peace on this Earth is the way that it always can be

This is my autograph
Here in the songs that I sing
Here in My cry and my laugh
Here in the love that I bring
To be always with you
And you always with me

Looking For Space- John Denver

On the road of experience, I'm trying to find my own way.
Sometimes I wish that I could fly away
When I think that I'm moving, suddenly things stand still
I'm afraid 'cause I think they always will

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand

It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair

All alone in the universe, sometimes that's how it seems
I get lost in the sadness and the screams
Then I look in the center, suddenly everything's clear
I find myself in the sunshine and my dreams

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand

It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair

On the road of experience, join in the living day
If there's an answer, it's just that it's just that way
When you're looking for space
And to find out who you are
When you're looking to try and reach the stars

It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
But sometimes I'm deep in despair

Sometimes I fly like an eagle,
Like an eagle, like an eagle,
I go flying

I took up my pen tonight. I couldn't seem to write
It's like I got religion and then I lost the light
An old woman once told me she'd always felt that way...
She said "Taken from the mold when it can still run
A candle might not keep you from the cold
But buy another candle, son, it's not too much to pay
For one more try." And I had to smile
Before I walked away

Coffee houses bother me. I cannot tell you why
But, it never seems "hello" sounds as sweet as "goodbye"
And the waitresses, in passing, remember all your names...
They say "Look around and try to meet a single eye"
And "empty cups will mock me if I stay, but
Buy another coffee, Stan, now it's not too much to pay
And we will try to raise your smile
Before you walk away

Tonight in a room full of candles another cup of ashes drains away
And, at times, it gets so hard to handle
Knowing one more simple song has swiftly taken wing
And I'm left alone to hear the song a lonely candle sings

The priest, I found, was nervous. He cleared his throat a lot
But, framed in stained glass windows, his eyes were lost in thought
And I said "Father, can you tell me...is some happiness my right?"
He said "Rather seek you joy, the blessings of your God
And happiness from worship in his sight
And buy another candle son, before you start to pray
And don't forget to cross your breast
Before you walk away

Tonight, in a room full of candles, another cup of madness drains away
And at times it gets so hard to handle
Knowing one more simple song has swiftly taken wing
And I'm left alone to hear the song a lonely candle sings

One too many cigarettes, slowly burning down
And the final cup of coffee was cold and full of grounds
And maybe one last pipeful might send the words around
Still, underneath my hands this night has slipped away
And it leaves me as empty as this page
One more candle flickers out, the night is turning grey
And I just can't watch the dying flame
I have to walk away

So, tonight I have burned all my candles
Leaving only ashes in their wake
And at times, I get so hard to handle
'Cause simple songs leave me behind, they all have taken wing
And I'm left alone to hear the song a lonely candle sings...

So, I randomly teared up when this came on in the taproom after our session (hope no one noticed!). Maybe because you feel like home, or the home I wish I'd had?

(excerpt)
Ah, home, let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home, let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you

La, la, la, la, take me home
...

Ah, home, let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home, let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you

La, la, la, la, take me home
Daddy, I'm coming home

...
Ah, home, let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you
Ah, home, let me go home
Home is where I'm alone with you

Home, let me come home
Home is wherever I'm with you
...

Birdy - Words

I get up in the evening
And I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Message keeps getting clearer
Radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I want to change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain't getting nowhere
I'm just living in a dump like this
There's something happening somewhere
Baby I just know that there is
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You sit around getting older
There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
Come on baby this laugh's on me
Stay on the streets of this town
And they'll be carving you up alright
They say you gotta stay hungry
Hey baby I'm just about starving tonight
I'm dying for some action
I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
Come on now baby gimme just one look
You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Hey baby

Great song - applicable in so many contexts...I hope today is being kind to you.

I always listen to this before coming to session ❤️ It’s a duet so it sometimes feels like what my T and I say to each other.

——————-
Person 1:
I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes
They've seen things that you never quite say, but I hear
Come out of hiding, I'm right here beside you
And I'll stay there as long as you let me

Because you matter to me
Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody
You matter to me
I promise you do, you, you matter too
I promise you do, you see?
You matter to me

Person 2:
It's addictive the minute you let yourself think
The things that I say just might matter to someone
All of this time I've been keeping my mind on the running away
And for the first time I think I'd consider the stay

Because you matter to me
Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody
You matter to me
I promise you do, you, you matter too
I promise you do, you see?
You matter to me
And you matter to me
Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody
You matter to me
I promise you do, you
(Out of hiding I'm right here beside you)
You matter too
(As long as you have me)
I promise you do, you, you matter too
(Out of hiding I'm right here beside you)
I promise you do, you, you matter too
(I do, I promise you do, you matter to me)
I promise you do, you see
You matter to me

It's not just the words, but the delivery (just an excerpt):

"And I can't explain it, oh, any other any other way.
I can't explain it, oh, any other, any other way."
"...And I can't explain it, oh, any other, any other way.
And I can't explain it, oh, any other, any other way
I can't explain it, oh, any other, any other way
I can't explain it, oh, any other, any other way."

--The National, "The System Only Dreams in Total Darkness"

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time
Far past the frozen leaves
The haunted frightened trees
Out to the windy beach
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow

Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky
With one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea
Circled by the circus sands
With all memory and fate
Driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow