[Mouse_]

I read in the paper yesterday about dogs used in fights and a photo of them.

Time I got to T yesterday morning, I walked in saying I feel very negative and don't want to be part of a world, where people could stand by and watch 2 living creatures kill each other, and not respond to crys of pain that must be heard.

T said, "you Identify with those dogs" Geez did I blubber then.

I said, "but I'm whole, I'm not blooded and bleeding"

T replied "no not on the outside"

Then I cried hidden behind my hand with teeth grinding, and feet tapping the whole session trying to compose myself.

Eventually I heard this voice in my head keepp saying "hello, how are you?" It wouldn't stop.

I remember as a child people saying what a happy child I appeared, but it seems that smile, was hiding so much more.

T asked me did I know why I went round to strangers smiling and asking how they were?

I shrugged.

T said, did you smile with your adoptive mother?

I said, I dont remember 1 time that we interacted like that. She was a very depressed woman who kept her head down constantly.

T said, that is why I was looking for that smiling interaction from others.

The thing that struck me is why did that voice keep talking in my head yesterday as I sat slumped and crying?

Was it because thats a part that took over to hide the intense saddness I was feeling yesterday, that must have been there a long time ago?

Its like 2 parts that normally are seperate, were working together yesterday, yeah thats it, it was the felt there they were there at the same time. Is that a sign of coming together?

[ECHOES]

It sounds like a coming together, a connection, like when an awareness expands your mind and brings clarity to many things.

Maybe if it was your way of self-comforting when you were little, then it was there in your head again because at that moment you needed some self-comforting about the global thought of people being cold-hearted and cruel and being unresponsive to another being in pain.

"How are you?" sounds like it was kind of a 'code' for "I am not okay." A kind of hidden plea from a child for someone to notice, to see and hear internal cries of pain, to respond.

Did you feel yesterday that T was seeing/hearing/responding to your pain at that moment in the way you wanted?

mouse...

hello, how are you?

did anyone ever ask YOU how you were doing?
no - how are you doing? REALLY.

a sweet little face who is so really very interested in a genuine response - how can one not feel happy (cheered) by that?)

smile.

i'm good, mouse. thank you for asking.

and mouse smiles. someone is delighting in her presence.

how can one not feel warmed by that?

how is it that people can take pleasure in watching subjects of experience hurting each other
and not take pleasure in moments of mutually happy connection?

(((mouse)))

[Perna]

For many years I had a voice that kept wanting me to ask anyone/everyone, "Guess what I did in French today?" and it was talking about 9th Grade (I think, I loved "that" French teacher now that I think about it, a beautiful woman who took an interest in me) but it went on when I was well into my 20's and even 30's I think. Of course, nothing interesting had ever been done in French class so it seemed like such an inane phrase to me to have my little head come up with! It would just pop up at weird times.

I finally figured it out not many years ago that I was wishing for someone to care about me and be interested in what I wanted and thought and had going on. I didn't have that growing up and never learned to express my thoughts/desires and they atrophed except for that pitiful expression. My stepmother was "in charge" and everything was done for her and in her way and I put that heavy coat on overtop of myself and buried myself.

I bet you had a genuinely sunny attitude, Mouse, were a "happy" child but that got covered over by your adopted mother? I know my stepmother told stories of when I was 4-5 and use to talk to anyone/everyone and you couldn't shut me up :-) I was always shy but still, could interact with others and be a warm little thing. I think my stepmother's anxiety/controlling deepened the shyness/my own anxieties and the poor, warm little one who could chatter happily away with others became suspicious and silent, a "watcher" only. It was great when in therapy I started reconnecting to that child I'd been before.

[Mouse_]

Geez, The replys here really moved me this morning! Thank you ((All))

[MissCharlotte]

(((((mouse)))))

These random events can send us flying and often give us so much more insight than if we are trying like hell to figure something out!!