[annielovesbacon]

My T likes to ask me what my "goals" are when it comes to therapy. I never know what to say. She doesn't accept answers like "feel better" or "feel less sad" because

Possible trigger:

those are things that could be achieved by suicide

so she calls them "morbid" goals.
I think she's looking for more tangible goals, some achievement that could be measured, but I can never come up with anything. I just don't want to feel miserable anymore. What are your therapy goals? Maybe I can glean some inspiration.

[captgut]

Whoa, your t's explanation is scary, but i like it.

At first my goal was to make "that" (guess it was depression) go away.
Now I have no goals and just enjoy seeing my T. It's a kind of... support?
I feel guilty and think i don't need therapy because i'm fine, but T doesn't think so.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by captgut

Whoa, your t's explanation is scary, but i like it.

At first my goal was to make "that" (guess it was depression) go away.
Now I have no goals and just enjoy seeing my T. It's a kind of... support?
I feel guilty and think i don't need therapy because i'm fine, but T doesn't think so.

From what I've seen of your posts, it looks like you really benefit from therapy and I hope you keep going. And it's totally okay to see a T for support. Don't feel guilty about it!

[clueda]

My T and I usually come up with my goals together. I find it really helpful because when she asks me what my goals are I'm usually like "I just want to feel better, less sad, less lonely, etc.". And that's not really a tangible goal. So these are my current goals:

- make more friends and actively try to connect with others socially
- open up more, be more intimate with others (esp. friends)
- manage my work-life balance and handle stressful situations better
- take better care of myself / my body

[InnerPeace111]

My therapy goals are also "to feel better" and "to feel less anxious" and "to improve my mood". But those goals seem vague, intangible, too broad, etc. to me. I need goals that are more specific, measurable, tangible, etc. so my goals are completely centered around my own self-care. I track the foods I eat, the number of minutes I exercise, and the types of exercise I engage in each day. I track the days / minutes that I meditate and how much sleep I am getting. I track the amount of water / tea I drink each day and I track my yoga practice. Am I perfect? Not at all! But I take it one step at a time. I use journals, apps, and hand-created habit trackers to measure my progress toward the very things (healthy eating, exercise, meditation, yoga, etc.) that help me "to "feel better" and "to feel less anxious" and "to improve my mood".

[brillskep]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

My T likes to ask me what my "goals" are when it comes to therapy. I never know what to say. She doesn't accept answers like "feel better" or "feel less sad" because

Possible trigger:

those are things that could be achieved by suicide

so she calls them "morbid" goals.
I think she's looking for more tangible goals, some achievement that could be measured, but I can never come up with anything. I just don't want to feel miserable anymore. What are your therapy goals? Maybe I can glean some inspiration.

Wow. I'm quite concerned about your therapist's response. Yes, "feel better" or "less sad" are too vague to give a direction, but suicide would NOT help with feeling better or less sad. A dead person wouldn't feel anything in the first place. A good therapist can help you clarify your goals without jumping to mentions of suicide and without promoting myths about suicide, What if a client is in a really bad place and only realizes he or she wants to feel better or for the pain to stop? It takes work to clarify what one wants, especially when dealing with trauma, major stressors, or psychological disorders. What if a trusted therapist tells such a client that suicide would help the pain stop? I just feel very strongly about this.

Anyway, about the goals, my take in such cases would be to ask myself what "better" means to me and how I might know I'm feeling well enough. Well could mean a lot of things - being physically healthier, coping better with stress, feeling more joy and pleasure, having more activities, more balanced relationships, more of a sense of meaning. Then it could get even more specific than that - say I wanted to cope better with stress. What might that look like in my life/ How might my situation improve as I respond to stress better? Such exploration can also lead to a better understanding of issues and possible solutions.

But it is very useful and necessary in therapy for the therapist to help guide you through this process. Sometimes a goal might be crystal clear, but more often than not, most of us tend to start with an unclear feeling that something needs to improve. I wonder, how is your therapist helping you clarify your therapy goals? Is she listening, asking questions, or explaining what a therapy goal might look like?

[jesswah]

Goals? What?
We've never discussed goals, but in my head I would have gone with the ones you mentioned. Generally having the ability to be happy - not necessarily being happy all the time, but having it as a place I can reach. And not being so anxious about anything and everything that involves talking to people.

[laxer12]

My first T never asked me for goals. I was depressed and had just moved to a new state though so I guess my "goals" would have been obvious; not to feel depressed and to feel like I had adjusted to the change.

My second T was short term so we focused on some childhood trauma and did EMDR. She asked me what I wanted to get out of therapy with her and that's what I settled on.

Current T asked me my goals and we actually talked about them the first session or two. One was to work through some family stuff regarding my childhood trauma. The other was to not feel depressed/anxious anymore, or at least be able to manage it better. And I think my last one was to develop deeper relationships with people since I have trouble opening up sometimes.

With my first T, I loved that she didn't ask me about my goals but again, it may have been because they were kind of obvious due to the reasons I was going to therapy. However, even though I was hesitant doing goals with my current T, she seems to put more thought into what we should work on during sessions in order to help me reach my goals. If something random comes up or I want to discuss something in particular, she always lets me do that but on the days where I don't have much to talk about, she takes the lead and we have a direction. I feel like she is actually doing work to prepare for my sessions instead of expecting me to choose the topic every week. Progress is being made, albeit slow, but it's happening with this T.

[Elio]

We have never talked specifically about things as goals; however, there have been some things discussed that I would consider being goals, once stabilized. When I first started, getting stable was the primary goal and one that was not stated.

1. physically transition to gender congruence
2. understanding my relationship with food and what affects my eating patterns
3. build a social support network and friends so that my needs that are being met through therapy (from therapist) can be met outside of that relationship

In order to reach those goals, we have been exploring pretty much all elements of me, working through transference, and doing what feels like attachment, re-parenting, maybe schema(?) stuff. There has been a fair amount of ... I don't know if it is re-parenting or what it is called, but allowing myself to have experiences appropriate for the age group that I am feeling at the time. It is sort of a reenactment except emotionally it is not acting. I am allowing myself to behave the age I am feeling within limits. T is responding to these periods with the positive regard and interest of an attuned parent. There is lots of talk and reflection around the experiences and their impact on me. I don't know how common this is in therapy. I decided I wanted to try this experiment to see if I could replace those experiences that I don't even remember with different experiences to unstick my emotional development (so to say).

[LostOnTheTrail]

When R said we needed to look at setting some goals yesterday, I was scared. She went on to say that setting goals was more about helping her than imposing a time limit...I'm not sure I believe that. However, I have managed to narrow it down to three things, and a fourth that comes in and out of focus regularly....right now, I can't remember what that is.

• Admit/accept the feelings around this experience
• Stay with the feelings as they arise
• Process the emotions as much as possible within the safety of the session.
• Learn to access and manage emotions appropriately.

[East17]

Psychiatrist asked what my goals were. I said I didn't have any beyond surviving, keeping myself relatively safe while I still have to be here. He asked what about after that? I told him afterwards it wouldn't matter anymore.

My counsellor is there purely as support, she's been fine with that, acknowledging for me in my current state, sessions are little more than maintenance.

[rainboots87]

To learn to like myself. To process trauma. To gain confidence. To improve my interpersonal skills. To better manage my anxiety and perfectionism. Just a few of the many things I probably need to work on...

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by brillskep

Wow. I'm quite concerned about your therapist's response. Yes, "feel better" or "less sad" are too vague to give a direction, but suicide would NOT help with feeling better or less sad. A dead person wouldn't feel anything in the first place. A good therapist can help you clarify your goals without jumping to mentions of suicide and without promoting myths about suicide, What if a client is in a really bad place and only realizes he or she wants to feel better or for the pain to stop? It takes work to clarify what one wants, especially when dealing with trauma, major stressors, or psychological disorders. What if a trusted therapist tells such a client that suicide would help the pain stop? I just feel very strongly about this.
....
But it is very useful and necessary in therapy for the therapist to help guide you through this process. Sometimes a goal might be crystal clear, but more often than not, most of us tend to start with an unclear feeling that something needs to improve. I wonder, how is your therapist helping you clarify your therapy goals? Is she listening, asking questions, or explaining what a therapy goal might look like?

I think I may have misrepresented my therapist! She is an excellent therapist, and in no way with her saying that did she imply that suicide would make the pain go away. Her point was that she didn't want my goal to be "I want to not be sad anymore," because one day I could realize that if I killed myself, I would technically wouldn't be sad anymore. She wants me to have goals that can be realized by getting better, alive!

She does try to help me make my goals, but I think she is hesitant to overstep her bounds or try to tell me what she thinks my goals should be. I struggle to come up with something concrete, and she gives me space to think or a few suggestions. She listens to me. I understand what she means by a therapy goal, I just struggle to come up with one.

The only time I ever specifically discussed goals with T was in our initial email exchange to get added to his waitlist. I said that I wanted to "get rid of the baggage," which I'm sure meant all of the trauma from my childhood.

My goals now are more discrete. I want to be able to feel at peace with the reality of the relationships in my life. I want to have a more positive self image. I want to better regulate my emotions, and I want to set and maintain realistic boundaries in my relationships.

I think T and I have discussed these goals individually throughout sessions. I suppose that's why we never needed to have a structured conversation about them.

[brillskep]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

I think I may have misrepresented my therapist! She is an excellent therapist, and in no way with her saying that did she imply that suicide would make the pain go away. Her point was that she didn't want my goal to be "I want to not be sad anymore," because one day I could realize that if I killed myself, I would technically wouldn't be sad anymore. She wants me to have goals that can be realized by getting better, alive!

She does try to help me make my goals, but I think she is hesitant to overstep her bounds or try to tell me what she thinks my goals should be. I struggle to come up with something concrete, and she gives me space to think or a few suggestions. She listens to me. I understand what she means by a therapy goal, I just struggle to come up with one.

Sometimes it can be a struggle. Just keep trying to figure it out - sometimes it takes more time and that's okay. You could also try imagining yourself ready to be done with therapy - what would your life look like then? When you're feeling better? That could also give you some hints.

I see what you mean. Even so, in my experience a therapist can simply explain that goals need to be positive (what you want and not what you don't want, just as they need to be measurable, achievable, ethical, etc). I still remember and to this day keep using a nice metaphor I heard from a TA in college - it's like getting on a taxi. You don't tell the driver where you don't want him to go or he'll have no clue where to take you; you need to tell him the place you want to get. I'm not trying to criticize your therapist, I'm just very surprised.

[stopdog]

Why would therapy goals need to be positive? I don't understand.

The woman was useless for why I went to a therapist. The goal was I am seeing a therapist to deal with a specific thing. Now the goal is more just to observe how various therapists handle the same thing. Compare and contrast those people.

And I don't really see the taxi analogy-a taxi driver doesn't also make the passenger drive or tell them the route. a taxi driver actually does something. And sometimes I believe people see a therapist because they just really don't know.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

one day I could realize that if I killed myself, I would technically wouldn't be sad anymore.

Possible trigger:

My T already knows I believe this statement. It was one of our fundamental differences and struggles. I needed her to respect my belief that I have the intrinsic right to terminate my life if I want to; my right to self determination. I don't think I could have trusted to open up to her if we could not have reached a place where she understood the difference between believing that as a value system and being unsafe/at risk for suicide.

[unaluna]

My t says emotional regulation a lot. I didnt even know there was such a thing

[brillskep]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Why would therapy goals need to be positive? I don't understand.

I meant positive as in stating what is wanted, not what is not wanted. Of course what is not wanted is also very important - but the tendency in therapy is usually going toward something rather than avoiding. The point is to give a direction as to where the therapy is headed and whether or not it is going well or when it might be over.

True, the taxi analogy isn't perfect, and you're right that taxi drivers don't make clients drive themselves - it just makes sense to me when illustrating this idea of knowing where you're going. The point of it was that the therapy client doesn't just "delete" unwanted behaviors, feelings, thoughts, or instincts. Rather, the point is to replace them with something healthier. Just like your normal taxi ride won't be just to avoid a place, but to get somewhere specific (not in all cases, but usually). That's how I understand it anyway.

[brillskep]

Ah, also about the taxi analogy, I think it's also a cultural thing. In my city, honest taxi drivers do ask for the client's preference of route, actually. We have a lot of taxi drivers asking for outrageous prices such as 3 or 4 times what the ride is worth (as opposed to the cab fare written on the car) and if you don't pay that much or unless you have very far to go, they just don't take you. Sorry, don't want to hijack the thread with my analogy, just thought I'd explain because that's something very specific to my country and city, so it may not have been understood.

What brought you into therapy in the first place? What were you looking for? If it's depression, and the the larger goal is to get out of the depression, I think it's an important one. It's just probably more effective to break it down into smaller and somewhat practical ideas and goals that can be directly addressed, both in therapy and everyday life.

When I first went to therapy, I did not have very specific goals other than self improvement and changing some negative habits. What I've learned on the go was that, for me, not setting goals and working toward them is a powerful avoidance strategy from addressing my problems. I had a tendency to wander and drift all over the map in therapy, and often blamed the T for not pushing me to be more focused and practical. I do think that there was a manipulative aspect on the Ts side as well, to keep me going (like a taxi driver who takes a much more complicated route than necessary), but also, it really would not be effective for a T to tell the client where and how they should go, most likely it would be met with resistance. I would say that if you want change in your life, specific goals are useful to work towards it. For me, therapy is most helpful when I use it to address those specific things. However, I do think that sometimes we don't know what we want and just have a diffuse feeling that something is not right - in that case, I think a T should help figure it out rather than pushing the client to come up with specific things that might well be distractions.

[The_little_didgee]

My goals are to improve communication and social skills. We also work on self-regulation (diet, sleep, and exercise) and my severe anxiety. I'm doing all this because I want to work full-time and live. I've been surviving and playing it safe way too long.

[growlycat]

Current goals:
• eradicate my driving anxiety especially highway driving and fears of getting hopelessly lost
• getting support and advice for handling my mom's alchoholism and medical issues
• being ok with not having my dad in my life
• forming other friends and a social network
• managing my work relationships
• help with problem solving practical life issues (money etc)
• what to do with early abuse issues - how it affects the rest of my life even now

[feileacan]

I don't have concrete therapy goals because I don't have concrete problems that would cause problems in my life, like depression or anxiety or conflicts with people.

I would also hate when my T would push me to have concrete goals because I feel that it would mean that he is not able to tolerate having concrete goals and in order to alleviate his own anxiety he would force me to oversimplify something that shouldn't be simplified.

Sometimes I have asked what he thinks is the purpose of my therapy (to test him, I guess?) and he has given me answers that make sense to me. For instance, he has told me that he thinks one of the purposes or goals is for me to learn in the relationship with him how to feel comfortable with another human being.

[lucozader]

When I had my first session with my T I told him that what I most wanted out of therapy was an 'exorcism'... I want all the demons out of my head. That mostly refers to all the guilt that plagues me at three in the morning. It has turned out that there's other stuff in that category too, though.

He said that rather than helping me to exorcise the demons, he would aim to help me 'make friends with' them.

Are we getting anywhere with that? No, not yet. Anyway, that was and is my primary goal.