Couch 143: The Mr. Rogers Love Transformation

I was on the receiving end...and it was a couple times. H seemed mad at me. I was just trying to come up with reasons why our daughter was being cranky (she's on high-functioning end of autism spectrum) while we were out, while he was like, "She didn't have a particularly busy day."

I can only think of a few situations where I think "stop talking" is acceptable, like, "please stop talking while I concentrate on my driving to a new place," or, "please stop talking while I finish writing this important email."

I do think it could be very clumsily used to mean "I want to stop this conversation" but it's got a more controlling tone to it. When both parties cooled off I would probably address how I interpreted it and offer some replacement phrases to pause a conversation.

Thanks for providing your interpretation. This didn't really fit the scenarios you were suggesting (yeah, he was driving, but on a very familiar route home in no traffic). So, in other words, something worth bringing up in marriage counseling Monday...

Thanks for the reminder!

My new T just emailed me out of the clear blue on a Sat nite to tell me about this relationship conference coming to town that she thought I'd find interesting! I LOVE this new T! Have a great night everyone!!

Yesterday I changed my brake light bulbs. I was pulled over by what I suspect was an off duty cop who then gave me a lecture on what can happen if I am pulled over...well duh...I do know the road rules he then insulted me by saying get someone who knows what they are doing to change them. I just thanked him and drove away. I have worked on cars with brother since I was 11 years old. I am not an idiot.

ETA he could have said look lady your brake lights don't work we could have nodded and gone our own ways. Why did he feel it neccesary to turn it into a 5 min lecture?

Maybe on both ends though? Sure, he shouldn't have said it, but it sounds like you kept on talking about what he made it clear he didn't want to talk about, namely why your daughter was cranky (and I assume misbehaving)?

I totally understand the pain of being told to stop talking by soneone you love and who loves you (or claims to). But, I've also heard parents explaining constantly why a child is cranky/misbehaving, and after a while it sounds like excuses and I want to say, "stop making excuses and focus on fixing your child's behavior." And these are not people I've committed to spending my life with, so it might be even more annoying to a spouse. So I'd guess that an issue here is not just your husband's communication style but the longstanding issue of how you two handle your daughter, on which you don't seem to be on the same page.

LT - you often mention how much your father hurt you when he told you he might love your mother than you? I wonder if your husband sometimes feels something similar, that you love your daughter more than him? It's really not a competition because the two relationships are so different, but I do know spouses, often men, who are jealous of their own children's relationship and claims on their spouse, especially when the child is newborn or special needs.

The other day with future ex's re-emergence I started worrying about money again.

This morning I was informed I'd been awarded a 10% merit raise.

I could have a whole harem of therapists!

Hetaerae-Therapists or Therapist-Hetaerae beckon!

Feeling like an idiot seems to be the theme for me today.

He was basically like, "She didn't have a particularly busy day today, so..." and I was just trying to say that it didn't have to necessarily *be* a busy day for her. Where we went (after the first place for dinner, where she was fine) was loud and there were a few other kids there who were competing for things she normally played with (she asked to go to this place--a taproom).

It just felt like a case of, it would have been understandable if she'd had a busy day, but not in this case. A lot of it comes down to the fact that H often seems in denial that she's special needs...like I'll try to say how she's doing something because of that, and he'll be like, "But all kids this age do that!" T has said that he may have trouble accepting it/be in denial and has his own fears about her but won't admit them. When what would really help me is if he admitted them and we could talk about them together. Because right now, I feel like the overanxious parent worried about her daughter's diagnosis and future, while he's like, "She's just like any other kid!" When she's not. At least he agreed to having her repeat kindergarten (even though he was against it when just I mentioned it, but then agreed when her teachers said maybe it would be helpful to her...)

I'm guessing this will seem really wrong...because the ideal is for the love to be equal. But if it can't be, I almost expect parents' love for their children to maybe be stronger than for their spouse. (I mean, if there was, say, a fire, and H had to save D or me, I'd want him to pick D.) But I also know my relationship with H changed when I had D. Because he's no longer just my H, but also D's father. So it's like I'm also protective of her. And I'm the one who pushed for her to get help, while H was like, "You just want something to be wrong with her." Which was of course not true--I just knew something was going on and wanted her to get the help that I didn't get as a kid (not autism/ADHD for me, but OCD and anxiety). I feel like I have to be her advocate...

I was an hour away. I asked the proctors if they had any extra. Nope. There were around 10 questions involving HCPCS.. I guessed

The exam was 6 hours straight with no breaks. Pretty freaking brutal. There were 150 questions and you had an average of two to two-and-a-half minutes to answer each one. I ran right up to the end time. It's a very involved process of reading medical documentation and assigning the correct code. There is no room for error. A score of 70% is considered passing and of course anything above that. That leaves a margin of 45 questions I could answer wrong and still pass

After the test I went to almost an hour away to meet the car insurance adjuster for the wreck that happened the other week. He wrote me a large check and I tried to cash it but Walmart system wouldn't approve it. I went to another Walmart same thing. I was running on E and didn't know what to do. I tried the pawn shop and they said I could only cash the check when some business was open Monday through Friday. I ended up crying for a while and then calling my mom and she transferred some money to me so I could get home. It's been a real day. T has texted me twice regarding the exam. It felt nice but I won't get used to it

That would bother me

Evening couch. I am home. I stopped to eat on the way home...only ate a few bites then was full. Guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was. Oh well. I brought it home and can eat it later or another day.

CVS went fairly well. Just me at the pharm on duty for the last 2 hours...we survived though.

Teacher still has not graded anything. I have have 0 out of o possible points. Geeze... I want to know at least one or two assignment grades. I hate the unknown.

I am off tomorrow. I probably "should" take my dad out for father's day, but I really don't "want" to. He is so critical of me. I don't want meds to come up, or my weight, or any other slew of topics. But, I will never hear the end of it from him and my step-mom if I don't. I don't know why I care what they think, but I do for some odd reason.

Need to call my grandma too and see if she wants to go out on Monday for her birthday. She probably already has plans with my mom or my aunt or one of my cousins, but I can at least ask.

I got a letter from my brother today. It was short, but it said thank you. His court date was cancelled, but he still has to sit in jail a total of 33 days due to state law in case they find new evidence and want to reopen the case. Stupid Florida. He has already been in about 3 weeks, so he only has about 2 weeks left. Not sure where he would go when he gets out, but I guess they didn't find enough to move forward, at least not yet. I am not sure what actually happened.

I need to take my evening meds soon, so I don't fail to take them later. I just don't want to take them too early. I see T on Tuesday morning. Not sure what there is to talk about, but I should probably keep it.

Evening meds taken. A little hungry now, but not hungry enough to eat a meal, so warming up my leftovers is out of the question. I do have a thingy of sunflower kernals. That may just work. A small bite.

Hello couch
I hope that the exam went well, DNA! Even though you didn't have your manual. That stinks.

H and I went out to dinner this evening. I had a margarita and H confirmed that it was strong. I am intoxicated

My old work email system would let you delete emails you sent to other users from their mailboxes as long as they had not yet opened them. I wish all email systems had that capability.

Congrats on getting through it, JD!

Still up...beginning to wonder if I should say screw father's day and camp out at home tomorrow.

OMG

guys

father's day tomorrow

i can't

hiding until further notice

I was supposed to drive up to Boston tomorrow afternoon for a visit and to leave the cats when I go to CA.

But I can't sleep. Maybe if I hit the road soon and show up exhausted and hungry, my mother's housekeeper will make me pancakes for breakfast?

Or, maybe I will walk in on them and my sister's theory that they're a couple will be proven?

Headed to bed. Been suffering through a migraine the majority of the day until I was reminded that I should eat something.... last time I actually remember eating something was Wednesday, so I ate a little and took a nap, helped. Then been swapping between playing ESO and Skyrim for the rest of the day, now I need to try to sleep so I can keep my system on some sort of a schedule. So off to bed.

One more day til dreaded MRI. Although, I do have to say talking it over with T I saw all of the options as bad but even though it's still frightening to me it will be another "opportunity to grow and heal" (blech, blech, blech) Does anyone else hate those kitchy phrases too?

Speaking of phrases T is on a new one now - "perhaps you might consider that" "perhaps that is something you should look at differently" If she says perhaps again I might scream. I won't but I'll def feel like it.

I also think I should figure out some sort of nickname for T. It feels weird saying T here, it needs to be something more personable and clever.... hmmmm

I highly recommend nicknames for therapists.

I'm leaving as soon as I corral the cats into their carriers. Pancakes for breakfast?!

Today I was dressed before 10 am I also did a little weeding before then too. I finished the border of my jigsaw but even to my colourblind eyes it doesn't look right. I give my T the letter tomorrow. I spent most of the day rolling around my bed like jdna old avatar. I am feeling sick with anxiety but have nothing to take, I gobbled up my last lot Valium a few months ago. Unfortunately the walkin clinics here will not give you benzos.