Phone issues with T again and how to address

Phone issues again with my T. So she was getting better where she's not answering it and she doesn't have it face up and extending her neck like a giraffe. Before it would ring or buzz and ring and she would extend her neck over. Now she charges it in between her and I on a flat surfaces area. She has it upside down and every 3-5 min it rings loud and vibrates. So she has to look at it and she shuts it off. The ringing and vibrating is irritating. Then on top of that now she has to look at her phone better she shuts it off. I think for my next session I'm going to have mine on loud with vibrate. I'm going to let people call me and I'll spend my time looking at the phone and shutting it off as well. I'll see how long it's going to take before she tells me what's going on with my phone. Just really distracting. I'm not sure how to tell her that it's bothersome, annoying, and rude. She will take it personally. I lost my train of thought a few times and I gave up on what we were talking about. I sat there and said and this is why it's hard for Me to commit to things at times. I need to feel that shes interested and paying attention. To me this phone thing shows me the opposite. She knows I'm sarcastic so if I do the same with my phone she will get what I mean. If I hold my phone she has an issue. I don't understand how it's okay for her to have her phone going off at all times.

Don't play games by mimicking her behavior. She might not get it, and it just wastes time. Tell her that it bothers you.

I hate confrontation. I don't like upsetting people or taking them out of their norm.

That's nice of you, but she clearly doesn't feel the same compulsion.

Given all the other negatives you've mentioned lately about her, why stay? Are you stuck with her for some reason?

Could you maybe say something like, "would it be ok if you turned your phone off for the session? I've realized it's been distracting me." That way you don't have to get into what her behavior says about her, and just focus on the effect it's been having on you.

And would you think about trying another therapist? She doesn't sound like she has it that together.

That's excessive and really disrespectful.

Scarlet's idea is the right answer, but a person doesn't have to be 'good' all the time, and a reasonable confrontation isn't always effective with those with such unreasonable behavior. So your strategy might help ensure she gets the message loud and clear.

I say this because I can almost guarantee this has been brought to her attention before, and she still does it anyway. I'm ok that my T and doctors answer their cell phone once in awhile, but this is obnoxious.

I think however you do it will be standing up for yourself, so please do confront her.

You're right. I never thought of it that way. It would make sense that perhaps she's done it with someone else. When I came back from my long break I had no idea where she placed the phone and it was out of sight which was odd. That phone is just getting closer and closer to me. Now she has it charging and ready to answer. I wasn't sure if I should take that as a compliment that she's laid back and feels comfortable being herself. It's not comfortable to me. She's strict about her boundaries. i dont set boundaries when I'm there. I'm thinking that she just thinks it doesn't bother me and so she will continue. However she knows me better and she knows that I hate confrontation and I will at times bite my tongue until I explode.

She should take it personally, because it's her personal disrespectful, distracting behavior. I would also just straight tell her, politely but clearly.

When I had my very first session with my first T, he answered the landline next to his chair and talked for like a minute in the middle of our meeting. I commented on it when he asked later if there would be anything he did that would keep me from coming back. I said frequent phone calls in my session. Then when I was just about to leave and halfway out of the door, his cell rang and answered it again, talking again for like a minute while I was standing there looking away, not knowing what to do. It was really awkward and annoying. I went back to him because there were interesting things that outweighed the phone annoyance and his phone never rang again except once when he had to let the next client in.

Does there have to be a confrontation? Cancel your apppointments for your children and yourself and find someone else. They are clearly the wrong fit for you and your children.

This might be a good opportunity to practice confronting someone and standing up for yourself and facing your fears of upsetting someone (if she takes it personally, too bad). Of course she might take it personally-someone is telling her she is doing something disrespectful, which reflects negatively on her. She'd take it personally if she thinks she does no wrong/has trouble seeing her faults and shortcomings since she doesn't have the self-awareness to see this. But a person with an average amount of self reflection would be ok, someone above average would be glad to be told. And a therapist should see how their behaviors affect others. So if she feels reactive, that's on her.

You could keep the option of cancelling appointments as an escape.

But maybe you could turn lemons into lemonade here. Best of luck.

She's known for being defensive and taking things personally. I usually have to give her an introduction or explain myself well before speaking so that it doesn't go in that direction. She thinks she's always right which is the issue. No matter what I say I'm wrong. I'm not sure how she can defend the phone issue. She well hold it against me. I'm thinking it might be one of the few sessions that she has gotten away with it. I'm sure someone had said something at some point and she doesn't have the leisure to do so. I think she takes advantage of it in my session. She's always on her phone whether it's texting or calling.

I find it bizarre and indefensible both that your T would use or pay attention to her phone during your session, and that she would be personally offended by your mentioning this.

I thought the way Pennster phrased it above was very polite and not accusing at all. I would try that approach. If it doesn't work, ditto those people who said to find a new therapist, because why on earth would anyone pay money to watch her fiddle with her phone.

I think it's because she feels that she has a valid reason as to why to keep the phone out. I did notice that when we were having issues right before my break and the two sessions after my break she minimized her phone activity. Now she's comfortable again. I don't think I've ever seen her walk with the phone upto her ear or her texting on it. I think it's habitual .

It's not exactly a confrontation, you have paid her, for her 100% attention for those 55min, or whatever. Your perfectly entitled to get what you have paid for.
My Pdoc doesn't even bring a phone into sessions, and I am expected to have mine on silent. Personally I would be bloody furious.
A defensive T is an awful T, how are you supposed to be comfortable enough to talk to them if I have to watch what you say, how the hell would she cope with negative transference, which is sometimes part of the job?
Sounds like she needs a new career choice, and I would tell her that too.
Anyway, all the best.

Thanks but yes she doesn't deal with negative anything well. I do have to watch what I say. when I have voiced my thoughts freely she didn't take it well. I told her that I thought she wanted me to be open. Then briefly she fixed the phone issue. Now we are back to the same. If she starts talking on the phone I think I will blow. Last session she stared at her phone a little longer than I wanted her too. I thought she was going to answer it.

It sounds like this T has some serious issues that are beyond her control and cannot be contained even during her work hours. I definitely would move on and find someone who is fitter to practice and can take my being open. What kind of therapy is it when the client continuously needs to watch what they say in order not to hurt the T?!

My T has never looked at his phone in session, even once, in three years. Whatever reason she thinks she has, she is wrong. And you should not have to watch what you say in therapy.

Have you thought about the reason you stay with this T? It doesn't make sense. She's totally unprofessional. In the 7 years I've been seeing my T, I think she had her phone on twice, and she apologized profusely both times. The second time was last week​ when she had to send her daughter a number she needed right away. She would never look at her phone other than in an emergency.