[Waterbear]

Just looking for people's experiences of this.

My troubled teen me is belligerent, awkward, opposing, deeply hurt, incredibly self protective, believes she cannot be helped, does not want to be helped, enjoys being reckless and can be dangerous and destructive.

How on earth my T is ever going yo get through to her is beyond me. No one has ever succeeded. I can imagine hours of silence and hundreds if pounds spent not really achieving anything. Though to be honest if this part sticks it out that long it will be a first!

A poem I wrote

The story of my past is written
On my hands and in my heart
A tale, that no one else will ever know.

Hiding and hurting
Lost in darkness, but always near.

A lost soul, fighting and raging
Against everything in its path
Standing, waiting for the enemy to come.

Twisted and tormented
Lost in darkness, but always near.

Tossed aside by a superficial society
Without belonging or inclusion
Discarded, only reliant on itself for truth

Desolate and destructive
Lost in darkness, but always near.

Ripped apart at the foundations of existence
Dying from what cannot let it live
Merging, into an oblivion of indifference

Wasting and wanting,
Lost in darkness, but always near.

In isolation a blackened monster comes
Seizing and gripping all that lays still
Pausing, only when it must not be seen

Odious and opposing,
Lost in darkness, but always near.

Hiding and hurting
Twisted and tormented
Desolate and destructive
Wasting and wanting
Odious and opposing

Lost in darkness, but always near.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

Very powerful poem, waterbear. I think you should share this with your t if you haven't already, you may be 'silent' as far as actual physical talking, but this poem definitely speaks for you, for that inner troubled teen.

[Waterbear]

Thank you. Right now I don't want to share anything with her, or anyone else in the physical (not online) world. Somewhere a tiny part of me is saying I 'should' but its voice is very quiet and easily drowned out.

[Waterbear]

Hi.

We really struggled in session today.

Does nobody have any experience that they are willing to share, or is it me that you don't want to share it with?

Thank you anyway, though.

[Pennster]

Waterbear, I am sorry you are struggling! I dont have any experience with teen parts, but I just wanted to say that I have been following your posts and I very much wish you well. I wish I had something more helpful to share!

[Waterbear]

Thank you Pennster, that really means a huge amount to me.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Hi.

We really struggled in session today.

Does nobody have any experience that they are willing to share, or is it me that you don't want to share it with?

Thank you anyway, though.

I was thinking about this.... I did one time get out a green pen and "gave" it to my inner 15 yo and let her write.... It was an interesting experience she had a lot to say and from that I learned to connect w that part of myself more often. I can't remember exactly when that was but if I find that particular notebook anytime soon I'll share with you.

.....Connect with her as adult me instead of just letting her take over if that makes any sense.

[Waterbear]

Thanks Artemis, it makes total sense. I am not sure I am in a position to do that or not, but it can't hurt to try. It is exactly what is happening now, taking over. I have been wondering whether her being fully present is a good thing or not. If I can get her half here and me half here then maybe it would be better. I thought I needed her to be here in full force but not sure anyone is ready for that. But if she is only half here then can it (healing) work?

As a teen I repressed all my emotions. I think it would be great for me if I could be beligerent and argumentative with my T. One day I might suggest it to her, and ask her to be accepting of me like that. It's still early days with my therapist, and at the moment I'm benefiting from expressing shame and sorrow.

[Waterbear]

Hi Brown Owl. Thank you for your reply. I understand the shame and sorrow thing, we have spent the last year and a half on sorrow but the anger is definitely here now. She kept banging on about anger, and Old T too, but when it is here it doesn't seem so good to them. I know that it shouldn't be directed at my T, not all of it anyway, but there are some things she has done which have caused me to be angry. She says that she accepts it but it isn't coming across to me that way. Not at all. I think a part of that is reality and part of it is skewed perception caused by this rage inside me.

I hope that if you do end up trying this with your T that she would be accepting of it.

It is tough, tough work.

[Waterbear]

Artemis, thank you. I did not thank you properly either times. I am sorry. I read your posts and admire the work you do in therapy, and let your words sink in today.

I took my teenage self out for a gym work out, and let her play her anger out on the treadmill. It helped.

When we got home I spoke to her and it went something like this, in case you are interested.

Hello there! It is good to see you again, though I am sorry that you are still hurting so much. I should not be surprised, because I have done little to help you over the years. I am sorry. But I cannot help you as I would like to when you are behaving like this. I would like you to stick around and be with me, and the little one, and T, but I have to tell you that this can only happen if you are willing to sit around the table with us.

(I have an image in my head of the teenage one dancing on the table. Stomping and screaming. The little one is terrified and cowering under the table, unable to see T or me any more. T is somewhat surprised and a little offended by this behaviour, unsurprisingly, and I am at my wits end, unable to hear or do anything about any of it)

The teenage one shouted 'no way' at me and listed of all the things that she thinks and feels. (That also got sent to T, who, again unsurprisingly, has told me that she cannot reply by email). I told her that I had heard her, and that I would raise these things on her behalf with T when I saw her next, but that the way she was going about it right now was unlikely to help any of us.

So I told her that that is OK, that she doesn't have to be ready to do this right now. That I will still make time for her now that I know she is here, but that, for now, she must go to her room.

I will give her my art room, and see how that works out. I want to give her space to express herself without it becoming overwhelming for the rest of us.

I will dedicate an art journal to her and write her a letter too.

I took myself for a nice candlelit bath and read some of my fantasy book (which I have been really struggling to get into).

I feel calmer, and more myself right now. I feel bad for 'banishing' her to her room, but I couldn't cope anymore and it really was starting to feel like I was losing control all over again, and that everything little one, I and T had done was being destroyed.

[Elio]

As I have shared, I have 2 overlapping parts that have teen years. There is the older boy age 10-13 and the younger girl age 12-14. When you put things in perspective of puberty, my gender, and sexuality, this split makes sense.

I'm pretty much in the same place with you in terms with dealing with them so I don't have a lot of advice or stories. My younger girl is not as angry as she was about 5-6 months ago and has started to feel more comfortable with T. Maybe that is how it feels when it is being worked out. It's weird because as things are starting to feel good with T again, my imagery of the little boy holding T's hand seems to be changing and now I'm not so sure he isn't holding the younger girl's hand and she is holding T's hand. The older boy is still sitting on the other side of the room not interested in joining the party.

The whole thing seems so bazaar to me. At the same time, it is what I am feeling, what I see in my mind's eye.

When my younger girl was angry with T many months ago, she cussed T out (in writing) that over the period of 3 months was talked about until finally I gave T the letter that was written.

With the little boy, it seems that giving the feelings words, allowing them to be said to/at T helps. It's like he didn't have the words to express things when he was little so now that the I can lend him a vocabulary, allowing him to express things has been very helpful.

Waterbear, you talk about not feeling things, what you describe here about your teen self seems to be full of emotions. Perhaps recognizing that she feels things, that she actually feels not just thinks, might be part of it for you.

Why do you think your T is offended by the teen's behavior? It seems perfectly in line with being a teen.

I'm confused by the statement of your T telling you she cannot reply by email, is that a new thing or has that always been the case? I thought you had emailed her last week and there was an exchange, is it only when certain things are discussed that she won't respond?

In regards to "banishing" to her room, one thing that I do with the older boy that results in him basically being quieted is use his needs against him. He needs order, structure, rules, and to feel in control. He is my guide for fairness and justice; so if he wants to be violent against someone, I reason with him about what promises were made, what actions were done - were there rules broken and such? And that usually deflates him and the violent thoughts can't be quieted for a while. Your teen needs something, it is hard to figure out what it is they need - it seems to be a key though.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Thank you. Right now I don't want to share anything with her, or anyone else in the physical (not online) world. Somewhere a tiny part of me is saying I 'should' but its voice is very quiet and easily drowned out.

I too am having trouble with my inner teenager expressing herself! She comes to sessions now, says nothing, gets bored & leaves. Maybe your teenager should talk to my teenager? I've tried to speak for my teenager, but that's not working either. My T is not on the same wave length & im not sure he is able to communicate with her either. She's almost feral & seems to only manage in a confrontational way. If my T upsets her, as he did a few weeks ago, she will react in a very abusive, hurtful & argumentative manner, totally dismissing him as if he's useless. I'm struggling too.

[Waterbear]

It is really hard, isn't it. I even told my T in session, well wrote it on a post it note and gave it to her, that I thought she was useless. Feral is a good word. Wild. I thought yesterday that maybe I could try and see some good in her and I surprised myself. She is strong and determined. We went to the gym, and with her in me I trained harder than normal. Not sure if this is good or bad but inclined to say good, as long as I don't exercise too hard and hurt myself.

Do you actually leave your session, or just the teenage part disappears? I don't think I could leave, because of the cost element. I am sure I would still have to pay and I am pretty tight, always try to get the most I can for money!

It is difficult thinking T might not be able to help, not able to communicate with her. I had faith that she could, but now I am not so sure.

Hugs to you, it is so difficult with a force in place we cannot seem to control.

I just bought the book Mona was talking about, hoping it may shed some light on all.of this, for me and T.

Thank you for replying.

[Waterbear]

Originally Posted by Elio

As I have shared, I have 2 overlapping parts that have teen years. There is the older boy age 10-13 and the younger girl age 12-14. When you put things in perspective of puberty, my gender, and sexuality, this split makes sense.

I'm pretty much in the same place with you in terms with dealing with them so I don't have a lot of advice or stories. My younger girl is not as angry as she was about 5-6 months ago and has started to feel more comfortable with T. Maybe that is how it feels when it is being worked out. It's weird because as things are starting to feel good with T again, my imagery of the little boy holding T's hand seems to be changing and now I'm not so sure he isn't holding the younger girl's hand and she is holding T's hand. The older boy is still sitting on the other side of the room not interested in joining the party.

The whole thing seems so bazaar to me. At the same time, it is what I am feeling, what I see in my mind's eye.

When my younger girl was angry with T many months ago, she cussed T out (in writing) that over the period of 3 months was talked about until finally I gave T the letter that was written.

With the little boy, it seems that giving the feelings words, allowing them to be said to/at T helps. It's like he didn't have the words to express things when he was little so now that the I can lend him a vocabulary, allowing him to express things has been very helpful.

Waterbear, you talk about not feeling things, what you describe here about your teen self seems to be full of emotions. Perhaps recognizing that she feels things, that she actually feels not just thinks, might be part of it for you.

Why do you think your T is offended by the teen's behavior? It seems perfectly in line with being a teen.

I'm confused by the statement of your T telling you she cannot reply by email, is that a new thing or has that always been the case? I thought you had emailed her last week and there was an exchange, is it only when certain things are discussed that she won't respond?

In regards to "banishing" to her room, one thing that I do with the older boy that results in him basically being quieted is use his needs against him. He needs order, structure, rules, and to feel in control. He is my guide for fairness and justice; so if he wants to be violent against someone, I reason with him about what promises were made, what actions were done - were there rules broken and such? And that usually deflates him and the violent thoughts can't be quieted for a while. Your teen needs something, it is hard to figure out what it is they need - it seems to be a key though.

Thank you Elio, tour imagery is intriguing. I also have strong images of things, and have wondered if the concept is bizarre. It feels right for me.

I think that it is good that you can give your boy words. He probably needs that. I am not sure that my teen wants any words! She definitely feels things, and it is interesting that you bring this up. Thank you. I say feel, I mean I can't put my finger on any of them, but it does feel like she is feeling, and I think you are right that it could be a key, some powerful work if we can become integrated again.

I just get a sense that T was offended. I mean, I would have been, I said some pretty mean stuff, and the way she was seemed different. I don't know.

She has always emailed before, the same day or the very next day. I think that she doesn't respond to anger through email, as this ks the second time. If I have hurt her then I understand, because probably better to sit on it that respond in kind, if that makes sense, bit it does make me feel.like the anger is being punished, when it has always been encouraged.

I did send another one. A small simple one, in which I asked her not to reply, because I wasn't sending it with that intention, but she text me today to say that she understood that it was real and difficult, that there was no hatred (a word used in my email) in her heart and that we can certainly give this the time and attention that it needs (or something like that.)

Yes, this teen does need something, but right now I don't know what it is. Interestingly, she went quite quickly and fairly quietly, and has not really been seen since. I hope to be able to spend some time with her this afternoon. I hope that she is OK up there, and not out causing trouble somewhere, like I would have been. I am not sure.

It is interesting you say turning the needs back on them. I will give that some thought, thank you.

And thank you for posting, I really appreciate it.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by Elio

And that usually deflates him and the violent thoughts can't be quieted for a while.

This should have been ...

the violent thoughts can be quieted for a while.

Guess that is what I get for posting when tired Or maybe he piped in there for a moment to say 'nuh-uh'

[Waterbear]

He he! That is always a possibility!