[retro_chic]

I had a productive session with T yesterday and although I'm feeling quite good about it, one thing has been bothering me. I was talking about how I need T to be hopeful for me particularly when I'm losing hope as she is the only support I really have at the moment. T asked what would happen if she also lost hope, what would I do? I said I couldn't see a point in continuing therapy if that were the case and I would want to quit but would find it hard or impossible to do so. T then asked me if I feel bound to our relationship and asked if I would like to be able to leave if I wanted to. She asked if that was something I would like to work towards. The first thought that popped into my head was "T wants me to leave" I quickly brushed that thought away because I didn't want to deal with it but now I can't get it out of my head.

I know that it is a important and healthy thing to be able to leave a relationship when it becomes unhelpful or harmful but the thought of leaving T is so scary and upsetting to me. Also, keep in mind I do not currently feel like my relationship with T is unhelpful or harmful in anyway, this was merely a hypothetical scenario. I know it is irrational but I keep thinking the reason T said these things was because she has had enough of me and wants me gone

[ScarletPimpernel]

Sometimes I think my T is pushing me away. We are distancing out our sessions, and it's been really hard. We're distancing out for a couple reasons. 1. So I can"rewrite" my story and will be able to say that not everyone has abandoned me. 2. To be less dependent on my T and therapy.

I constantly talk to my T about our relationship. Anytime my fears or doubts come up, I talk to her. She always reassures me that she's there, not going anywhere, isn't pushing me away, nothing has changed between us, etc.

Talk to your T about your fears and concerns. I'm sure she doesn't want you gone.

[Out There]

I talked to my T a bit about this - my sessions are spaced out now with both my T's. But I am avoidant so I feel a tendency to maybe bolt out of therapy prematurely , coupled with people attacking me and my therapy and my therapists ( for their own reasons ) so that " bound " feeling rattles around in my subconscious. I found what Mona posted from the book by Janina Fisher helpful , the part that can come and go as it pleases. I'm sure your T isn't trying to push you away or wants you gone , but it can feel like that I know.

[retro_chic]

Thank you both for your replies.

I really wish I had just talked about this with T at the time because now I am stuck obsessing over it for a whole week. I just realised that I wasn't invited to a friend's birthday so that's kind of confirming the thought that no one wants me around. If I look at things rationally I know that it is probably because I have been living the hermit life and not keeping in touch with people so it is easy to forget about me. I have also been off my medication for about a month now as I thought it wasn't helping and I didn't like my Pdoc... Kind of thinking that was a mistake now as I struggle to even get out of bed.

Sorry, this got kind of off track but I just needed to vent.