Session with old t

Thank you for a lovely post, I have a similar opinion and the irony is my t actually tried to make to make me feel guilty about not reporting me abuser.
She has been a t for 23 years though, I think it is a lot to do with our relational dynamic. I trigger her somehow.
Nobody deserves to be abused but I can't control anybody else only myself. It's hard for me to remove myself just yet from her.
She has gotten away with this for a long time. If I reported her no one would believe me.


Hi Elio bless your memory. Well I haven't text t to cancel Friday but I still might. Wild hair t is on Saturday.
All week I have been thinking of ways to please t and to admit everything was my fault. This would mean I would have to abandon my truth. I have done it before but it's getting harder. I was having conversations with t in my head all day trying to figure this out. I am trying to fix it again like I did with my mother after she abused me. I have been struggling with this and the heartache I would have if I left her.

Mona, I hope with wild haired T's support that you can break the trauma bonds with T/ex T.

What makes you think no one will believe you?

That is a separate issue from how often reports don't go anywhere.

Also:PLEASE do NOT take the blame. When you write here, you seem really self-aware, and know this T is abusive. I think you've had enough training to know that repeatedly trying to win over an abusive person will never go anywhere. You will always lose. You will only keep hurting yourself.

I hope you can cancel with this T, bc it probably will throw her for a loop-she lost some power, and you gained some.

Hi Mona,
Did you go? How did it go? Did you get what you hoped for out of it or ?? I hope you are ok. I hope you'll be able to process whatever happened today with wild hair T.

Hugs,
E

I'm thinking of you too, Mona. I hope you didn't go, and that instead, you process it with new T. But if you did see
exT, I hope you gained something from seeing her again. Like telling her off!!!

I have been reading a lot about trauma bonds lately since you mentioned them a while ago QM, they seem to be what is happening between me and t. I can acknowledge that and can be in relationship with her but she has to first acknowledge what is happening but she she is so attached to blaming me that she can't acknowledge her part in the dynamic that's happening between us.

I think they won't believe me because in the past people never believe me. Also it's my word against hers, she is seen as a seasoned therapists and I only a fledgling.

Hi Elio, thanks so much for thinking of me and for your support. I went to my session and I said that I didn't understand what happens between us, she began by telling me what happens for her. She said it is linked to an old process of hers of feeling rejected. We then talked about how that feels for me and what happened for me. It was a good session but I still don't trust her.

I thought about doing this so many times because of the reason you have said, I wanted to take back my own power but if I cancel and didn't go I would end up hurting, not her. I am trying to figure out where the blames lies and perhaps blaming anyone is counterproductive but for some reason there is a strong pull for me to take the blame.


Thanks Rainbow
I went to ex t and I went to wild haired t. I did a lot of processing in both sessions. Ex t seemed more open and even owned her part in this latest rupture. I felt like we were attuned to each other which hadn't happened in a long time.

That is unethical on so many levels on your former therapist's part. It sounds like psychological torture. It is clearly abusive. I'm sorry you've been through that and I hope that, even though it feels like you really are the way she says because she was such an important attachment figure. you can remind yourself that she is very wrong and that her unprofessional and awful words do not actually define you at all. As JoBo said, those are her issues that she took out on you. It's not about you.

It was psychological torture. I left many sessions early because I couldn't sit through another session like that. Sometimes I it felt like gaslighting too. There was a lot of abuse. I feel like something in mine and ts dynamic was bringing this to the light but we never really looked at it. My new t thinks it's an old unresolved issue with my ex t and she is acting out of that place with me. Thank you for your response Brillskip, I really do try and see it as her issue but it's hard when you are right in the middle of it.

Mona, I'm glad you can see how abusive she is/was. Even having a good session, it seems to me, is part of that abuse cycle. An attempt to keep her hooks in you, and as you rightly say, gaslight. I'm pleased you are doing good work with wht.

How would you cancelling hurt you? You would have an hour in your life when you are not being yelled at, or told you are wrong, or any other shameful thing she throws at you.

It would hurt me because I would miss her, I know it's hard to understand but I am really attached to her. The hour where I am not being yelled at sounds nice but the attachment is stronger.

Fair enough. No judgment on my part. Just wondering.