[rainbow8]

I chose wrong or possibly my goals are wrong and distorted. T doesn't think I need to unburden parts now. It sounds kind of corny to me anyway. So I had this other idea to do a 10 minute loving yourself meditation that made me cry yesterday. I closed my eyes, listened, but did not cry. That led to why I want to cry and why I can't.

Then, I brought up the jealousy of my friend. T says I have a "nothing will work" attitude about getting my own artwork in show. She's right. I haven't "put myself out there." I'm defeated before I try. I tried only once.

I cried afterwards and emailed already. I didn't feel connected to T. Stupid, doing a meditation though she liked it. She should have paid ME the $100. I was feeling good until my session.

[Elio]

I'm sorry to hear that rainbow, it does suck when these types of sessions happen. Try to remember as best as you can that it is all just part of the process/journey.... shall I sarcastically call it "fun"... we are all on?

I am curious as to what is behind the drive to be able to cry in front of T or others? Why did you choose this to be a goal? What do you see your life to be like if you reach this goal? I ask because it seems like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to reach this milestone, so I'm wondering how you perceive it changing you or your life - and how do you see it making your life better?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Elio

I'm sorry to hear that rainbow, it does suck when these types of sessions happen. Try to remember as best as you can that it is all just part of the process/journey.... shall I sarcastically call it "fun"... we are all on?

I am curious as to what is behind the drive to be able to cry in front of T or others? Why did you choose this to be a goal? What do you see your life to be like if you reach this goal? I ask because it seems like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to reach this milestone, so I'm wondering how you perceive it changing you or your life - and how do you see it making your life better?

Thanks, Elio. I hate that I go up and down! I told T that I had a good week and I didn't think about her, and then today happens. It's not about her. I know that but I have to wait 2 weeks until I can correct what happened. Except there's nothing to correct. Nothing "happened" in the session. I think I wanted to feel the closeness, intimacy, with T but I didn't.

To answer your excellent question, I don't see my life changing if I cry with T. It's a stupid goal, and it comes from not being able to express feelings at all, in therapy or out. Not crying with my family or at my parents' or my husband's funerals. Holding back because I don't want people to see....I told that to T today. We've already talked about it. Something that bothers me is I have to tell her things over and over. She doesn't remember. So many times she's asked me if I cry with others and I say no, and tell her I must have cried as a child but I don't remember. I've told T so many very private secrets, so why can't I cry? I just want to, just once, whether it's happy or sad tears. Keeping feelings inside has always given me stomach problems, too.

When I have a session like this, I want to write and write to T. I want her to make it better. Yes, like Mommy. So pathetic. I know I need to soothe myself, and not have it come from T. If I listen to the meditation again, I'll probably cry because I don't love myself yet, and because I did it with T and didn't feel anything. One good point, that I told her. In the past, I never would have been able to close my eyes in front of her for 10 minutes, without panicking. I trust her for that, but not to see me cry.

I feel stuck about my goals in life. I wrote that I will contact 10 places, online or in person, about my art. It seems so hopeless, though. I don't know how to get over my inertia. T keeps saying I have to "put myself out there" if I want the results I want, in my life. I don't know if I have the energy to do it.

[rainbow8]

Did anyone else ever meditate with their T?

[stopdog]

I meditate but not with a therapist. I don't usually meditate with anyone else.

T has done mindfulness meditation with me. She taught me it.

I hope you eventually feel better, rainbow.

I have been into meditation for over 10 years but I would never do it in therapy sessions. I do it on my own and originally learned techniques and principles from a buddhist scholar/meditation teacher that I like very much, I went to group retreats with him to learn. I like him as a guide very much and sometimes listen to his online podcasts when I meditate on my own. I am very picky about who I am even willing to listen to about meditation and find most useless, but my teacher works for me so I stick with him, he is very dynamic and there are often new things by him that I can access online. I would not think of a therapy session as a good place to meditate.

On the crying... I actually have a strong opinion on that. I think that crying is frequently overrated, as though it was the most intense way to experience and/or express emotion. I definitely don't think it is the most meaningful, more that it is indeed a reaction to emotions, a momentary physiological reaction, which can sometimes provide good instant relief, but I don't feel it is the best means to dive deeply into feelings. But maybe I see it this way because I am not a crier myself, also never cried in a therapy session. You mentioned art - for me, art work is a far, far more meaningful way to explore my feelings and to express them to others (when I share it). I actually tried it with one of my therapists (the one that I respected more) but he did not care much about it, did not even look at them after a while and we discussed it only marginally. I think he is just not particularly receptive to art, at least using it for communication with a client. But I know a lot of them who would be interested in looking at client's art work (not just the so-called art therapists).

So perhaps working on finding opportunities to show your art could indeed be a not a bad move?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

T has done mindfulness meditation with me. She taught me it.

I hope you eventually feel better, rainbow.

Thank you. T taught me, too, so it's a normal thing to do, but always just a few minutes of breathing and observing my breath with my eyes closed.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I have been into meditation for over 10 years but I would never do it in therapy sessions. I do it on my own and originally learned techniques and principles from a buddhist scholar/meditation teacher that I like very much, I went to group retreats with him to learn. I like him as a guide very much and sometimes listen to his online podcasts when I meditate on my own. I am very picky about who I am even willing to listen to about meditation and find most useless, but my teacher works for me so I stick with him, he is very dynamic and there are often new things by him that I can access online. I would not think of a therapy session as a good place to meditate.

On the crying... I actually have a strong opinion on that. I think that crying is frequently overrated, as though it was the most intense way to experience and/or express emotion. I definitely don't think it is the most meaningful, more that it is indeed a reaction to emotions, a momentary physiological reaction, which can sometimes provide good instant relief, but I don't feel it is the best means to dive deeply into feelings. But maybe I see it this way because I am not a crier myself, also never cried in a therapy session. You mentioned art - for me, art work is a far, far more meaningful way to explore my feelings and to express them to others (when I share it). I actually tried it with one of my therapists (the one that I respected more) but he did not care much about it, did not even look at them after a while and we discussed it only marginally. I think he is just not particularly receptive to art, at least using it for communication with a client. But I know a lot of them who would be interested in looking at client's art work (not just the so-called art therapists).

So perhaps working on finding opportunities to show your art could indeed be a not a bad move?

I'm glad you have a meditation teacher you like! My T started me on breathing with her 7 years ago when I started therapy with her. I used to be self conscious but not anymore. She once did a guided meditation with me too. She practices yoga and got me doing that too. Not in the session! So meditation with her wasn't weird but it's the first time I suggested it.

Thanks for your input on crying. I just wish I could cry once in therapy. I've come close but I stop myself.

My T is an artist too, and she has her artwork displayed on her office walls. She also has some of mine! I took her advice, and yours. I am going to pursue my dream and make it a goal. I already found a local artists organization I can join and I can submit one painting into their exhibition in the fall. I am so excited! It's a start!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Did anyone else ever meditate with their T?

My t and I occasionally do shamanic journeys to a drumbeat together, just did that Wednesday evening actually - that's a kind of meditation. And then we talk about our journeys afterward. (we are both shamanic practitioners outside of the therapy environment.) It can be a powerful experience.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I already found a local artists organization I can join and I can submit one painting into their exhibition in the fall. I am so excited! It's a start!

Way to go you!!! So excited for you!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Did anyone else ever meditate with their T?

Once with wild haired t, it was really helpful for me because she guided the meditation and then we talked about what happened in our bodies.
Sorry your session was crappy, I hope you don't blame yourself because it's your ts responsibility too

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Way to go you!!! So excited for you!

Thanks. I hope there's no catch to it. I didn't get the membership application yet.

Originally Posted by mo[U

[/U]nalisasmile;5738946]Once with wild haired t, it was really helpful for me because she guided the meditation and then we talked about what happened in our bodies.
Sorry your session was crappy, I hope you don't blame yourself because it's your ts responsibility too

Thanks, mona. I don't think T did anything wrong. I'm not feeling so connected to her lately. It's interesting that I feel more connected through my emails to her and her one email back after I told her about the art pursuit. I think I feel too much pressure to accomplish something in my sessions instead of fully connecting.

On the other hand, connecting with T may not be the best goal right now. Though I didn't like her telling me I was saying no to all her suggestions about my art, she did give me the push I needed to do something instead of complain! So, it was a productive session after all.

I just don't want our relationship to change. I still need to love her and have her love me. I wrote that in my email but she only commented on the art stuff. I think I'm suffering from growing pains! T is important to me. It's like I want to protect what I have with her and I feel unsettled when I make changes, even positive ones.