Almost ended in a blaze of glory (long post)

as my relationships usually do. This time, I got a hug from T. It was so unexpected and I was so numb from crying that I couldn't fully process it at the time. I'm still processing all that happened.

The session started at 7pm. Last session, I was pretty upset with him but didn't tell him as usual. This session, my emotions were already a mess. I'm on this Topamax coming off of Lamictal after bad effects. I am such bad effects these days and no longer know if my emotions are real or drug interactions anymore because I also take Prozaq and Adderall.

Anyway, I had emailed T's office on Monday to share a funny part of my story about dad's visit and a comment related to T. I did not expect a response but had hoped he had at least received it and read it before our session. He said he hadn't. It wasn't in the file. Nothing.

Immediately the pain returns...I am there 1 minute. I said oh really it was funny and told him about it and he seemed blank about it...then we talked about the visit and I told him that dad and I made some progress. We got off topic a bit talking about my brother and his violence issues.

Then I said, this session isn't going the way I want it too...I want to tell you about my dad. But first I went into the medication issues (Topamax) and was like this mood stabilizer stuff has to go. None of it is working. I can't put words together, I can't think (already have ADD for goodness sake). He then went into 'well, weren't you experiencing some cycling and highs and lows about your marriage, sometimes husband is great, sometimes not, and so we added this to address that...I wanted to scream...what? we adding meds because of my marriage for my husband? but I wasn't thinking clearly.

Then I finally got into some painful stuff about my dad's visit first so I could talk about the good stuff. Right in the middle of the painful stuff, T gets up and says 'I'll be right back'...I felt like a truck had just run me over.

The embarrassment I was feeling was almost unbearable. He returned and then I started again. A few minutes later, he had a knock at the door. He said 'oh its so and so from such and such store...' and he left for a minute and came back.

The anger in me rose to a whole new level. But since I am famous for overreacting I didn't want to do that, I just said 'this is a waste of time', 'we'll do this another time then'. 'he said, he wasn't doing this on purpose sorry and he tried to continue...'

I couldn't continue though...I kind of forget how we got to the next part but I basically told him that I've been mad at him, I feel he's abandoned me. I've been trying to tell him I'm suffering he isn't listening. I have been doing something very destructive and won't go into it here.

I said last week I almost quit on him and told him that one by one, I'm cutting ties with significant people in my life and he's on the list. He said something about it's okay to quit but it would be a shame if we couldn't work together anymore or something like that...this only infuriated me more.

So I said 'I can't imagine why it would bother you at all if I left and never returned quite frankly'...he said 'well contrary to what you think, I enjoy working with you' and said he would love to go out and have drinks with me and be friends etc. but that isn't what this is about. Yes, he threw in that lovely word boundary again! I said 'thanks, even tonight at my worst emotionally, you through it in again '

Anyway, immediately I just started crying and I couldn't control it anymore. Thanks Topamax...and I mean bawling and crying...crying with slight shaking, I could feel it hopefully he couldn't see it.

So what does miss tough girl do? I apologized for talking to him like that and said, I don't know why I am treating him so badly. I asked him at some point if he was mad at me...it was a scene...but then I said that what I see in myself is I do not give him a break. That what he does do for me is never enough for me. I always want more. More sessions, more attention...more more more.

My dad said this to me over the weekend. Why isn't what he does for me ever enough? Husbands have said it, boyfriends have said it...then T and I talked about valuing/devaluing, attachment and how no one will fill a void for me. That has to come from me.

He said even he cannot fill that void. What he sees is that people make mistakes and they cannot always be there for me in the manner in which I need them to be there. For me, he said, this is very painful.

I then said something about 'are you going to say I'm a borderline' he said no, but I wonder...he did say my mother was...and she was diagnosed as such many years ago.

He did say he felt like he was part of my family now that my dad accepts him and thought it was sweet that he said 'I hear your therapist is a good man and thats good enough for me' and I shared some photos with T of my late great aunt who is special to me.

I realized that it was 8:00 and I should have gone 15 minutes earlier so I calmed myself a bit and said you need to go so I should go. We walked out and he asked if I had future sessions scheduled and I said I did and told him 'I won't quit, I promise'

and he said 'I'm glad and come here...and we hugged' and I left.

Now I called p-doc to try and get off this Topamax....I think we turned a corner last night...a major one

I'll type more as I process it. Thoughts Please!!!!

Sounds like you got some good feelings and insights out of this session and hope maybe getting off the Topamax will help even more.

Good job, keeping trying to connect instead of just leaving in a blaze of glory or clamming up.

Almeda,

I think it's awesome that you showed your vulnerability in the way that you did. It sounds like T responded sensitively. I think your crying was genuine and it was good for him to see how truly hurt you were.

I don't know anything about topamax. But if the med doesn't work for you by all means, go for the change.

Good work!

sounds to me that you guys might not be the best fit...