long post... but please help.

hello, i'm K. first let me apologize for how long this is, but i'm trying to get all the facts out; although i'm sure i'm still leaving out a billion things.

i'm having alot of trouble right now, because i can't stop battling with the idea that i have dissociative identity disorder. i go back and forth, from genuinely believing it to thinking i'm crazy for even once believing it, and i really wish i had a yes or no answer as to whether or not i have it.

see, i can't remember if i ever questioned whether or not i had it before i started seeing a particular therapist, who believes that i do have it. i've been in therapy ever since i was 8 or so, and i've gotten diagnosises from clinical depression to social anxiety to bipolar to borderline. but i just don't want to be convinced by a therapist that i have something that i don't, and i can't be sure one way or the other.

i'm currently in therapy to try to regain knowledge of what really happened to me, because i know i have a history of sexual abuse, but i can't remember when or by who (although i have suspicions that it was my father), or even how i came to the conclusion that i have been abused. i even doubt the fact that i was abused sometimes, because i figure if it really happened i would remember it. but who knows.

i tend to be a paranoid person, and i can't seem to shake this denial that i only believe i'm DID because of my therapist; he's seen over 150 DID patients, so sometimes i think he might jump to a conclusion without it being true. although we didn't even discuss the possibility of DID until recently, i've had the feeling that he thought i had it even before it was spoken about, and i guess i wondered too. he never really pushed the idea on me or anything... i think i pushed it on myself more than he ever did. at first, he only mentioned that he thought i might have a dissociative disorder, and it wasn't until i researched them and found out what DID was that i started to think i had it.

i'm constantly battling in my head over whether i hear voices or not, because this is the way it's always been for me and i don't know if it's normal or not. i never considered that i actually "hear" voices, i know i hear my own voice, and sometimes i do "talk to myself", but i'm not sure if it's in a way that other people do or not. sometimes i think i'm having conversations with myself, and sometimes i think it's all in the realm of normality. the way i would describe how i hear my voice when i'm thinking is like when you're watching a movie, and the character is thinking to themselves. i don't know if that's really "hearing" it or not, since it's not really a voice i hear from the outside, through my ears.

as far as dissociating, i'm not really sure if i do it. i don't really "lose time" or black out, but my days do blend into one another, making weeks pass by feeling like it's only been a day or two. but i still remember what things have happened during the week when people remind me, although i do have a bit of a hard time remembering things on my own. i never meet people who i don't remember, and i usually remember things in detail once people remind me of them. when i'm in therapy, my visual perception tends to change at times, making me feel like i'm looking out through the inside of me, or like i'm watching a movie and that it's not real life.

i just feel so normal... this is me... and i have a hard time believing there's "other people" in me. i mean, it's all ME. but i feel sometimes that there's shards of myself that make up me, but then i think that everybody has "shards" and this can simply be attributed to an eclectic personality. sometimes i feel different than how i usually feel, i.e more childish or more confident or completely lacking confidence, etc. but i don't see these "mood changes" as seperate entities, i think it's all me. i also wonder... wouldn't i know FOR SURE if this was something i have? i mean, it's been a serious possibility in my mind for a while now, but i still don't know for sure. and if there are others in me, i don't know their names, or who fronts, or even who I am (am i the "original" K? Am i always fronting, or am i hidden away in recesses of my mind at times?). i feel like me, the person who is typing right now, is always here, always in control. but for me to have DID, wouldn't someone else have to take control once in a while?

i'm so confused. i don't know what to think, and i dont know if i'm having an ovverreactive, hypochondric imagination, or if i'm just in denial when i think i don't have it.

I'm sorry this is so long winded, but i had to get this all out.

is there anyone here with DID who could share their experiences in figuring out that they had it? Did any of you go through the denial that i might be going through, or did you know right away? Do you think that if i even have to question whether or not i have it, i really don't? could anyone tell me what some of their "symptoms" are? anything you can share would really help me out, because i'm going crazy with all the back and forth and the constant consideration of this. there's not an hour that goes by that i don't argue with myself over whether there's others in here or not.

if there's anything you can think of that might help me know for sure what's really going on with me, please share.

i greatly appreciate your spending time to read this, and hope to get some responses. thanks so much, in advance.

Hi K! It sounds like a very difficult time for you. I looked on the forum for a definition but it was too simplistik. Try going to the web md site. I don't have DID, at least it hasn't shown itself if I do. My Mother had it though. As with any condition there are different levels. She had a distinct form, with clear alters but never knew it. My first suggestion is try not to stress yourself out too much. It might be helpful to keep a daily log to see if you are losing any time or if any other unexplicable things happen. Your best ally will be information. Obviously you've been diagnosed with a multitude of different things, which makes it very difficult to know if this particular doc has it right. A second opinion never hurts. I would also ask him to explain to you exactly how he came upon his diagnosis. Have him give you examples of your behavior that leads him to his conclusion. Deep inside you you know the truth. One thing I do is to get quiet and often times the quiet truth comes forward. No matter what, you'll make it. Questioning is a normal thing and a healthy thing. For the longest time I would argue with myself weather I had been as horribly abused as I had. It was just my way of being able to deal with it. Some truths take some getting used to. Good luck to you. I hope I was a little helpful. Annie

Hello K,

There are lots of ways of dissociating. For me it's just spacing out, so deep in thought, or just staring at nothing, and not really being mentally present. Someone might come along and ask what I am looking at or why I am staring at them, and I didn't know that I was. It isn't difficult for someone to get my attention and bring me back, but I probably don't have any sense of how long I was sitting there or what I was thinking about. I had a repressed memory of abuse also, and the first times that I remember dissociating were at about the same time as that memory.

Some people experience it at not being in their body - like things can happen to them, but they are an observer and don't really feel like something is happening to them, particularly during a traumatic situation. Some might be in a trance-like state while they are doing things.

I also have conversations in my head with people who are not there, or even with myself, but usually I imagine that I am talking to or explaining things to a specific person.

DID is when you feel like there are parts of you that are not you, but that take on a personality of their own. I guess there are different levels of this. Some people don't actually have DID, but may have distinct parts of their personality, that they are aware of and acknowlege as all being part of themself, but certain feelings are associated with each subpersonality. One theory is that DID was actually created by therapists who encouraged clients to give names to these various feelings that they experienced. I'm not sure about it, myself, but I'm sure that it seems real enough to people who experience it. Some people with DID report that they might be absent (in other words they dissociate) for periods of time and are not aware of what they are doing while an alternate personality is in control. To me, it all seems to follow, and I'm not sure that it matters what we call it or what is really happening. It sounds like a difference in severity of dissociation to me.

One thing that I think is true of anyone who dissociates is that something has been traumatic enough to that person that they felt unable to deal with it and escaped from it by dissociating. They might go numb, experience events as if they are not really a part of the event, or create or section off parts of their personality to protect themselves.

I don't know what your experiences might have been. You will remember when you are ready to. I hope that your therapist doesn't push you too fast to remember, because therapists have also been known to suggest memories that are not actually true also. But it sounds likely that there was something traumatic that happened to you at some time. I hope that this helps you a little. I don't really have any answers, but thought I would share what thoughts I had about this. Take it slow and easy.

Take Care,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

Hello, K! Welcome to the forum! My name is Angela.

I don't have DID, but I've studied it for a couple years now. I'm a psychology major. I feel you should know that I'm only an undergraduate, so I'm NOT qualified to diagnose anything and do not have the level of training that your therapist has. I have read enough that I can tell you some common things to look for, but I cannot say you do or do not have it. I can offer you the benefit of the knowledge I've gained from having read quite a few personal accounts on DID, some by clients and some by therapists, and having heard two of them live from one former, now integrated multiple and one current multiple.

There is no doubt in my mind, reading about your experiences, that you dissociate. There are many different types of dissociation. "Losing time," though a major indicator of DID, is not the only indication of dissociation. It sounds like you have some memory problems, which could indicate a lot of things. Memory problems like the ones you're describing (where you are able to recall with some help) could indicate depression, burnout, dissociation, or any number of things. The other descriptions you give are definitely dissociative symptoms, though. Feeling like you're watching a movie instead of in real life is dissociation. So is the feeling that you're outside your body looking in. Such changes in visual perception can occur because of dissocation. This makes me think that your memory problems may relate to dissociation, too. I'm sure your therapist is right in saying you have some kind of dissociative disorder. Not remembering your past abuse MAY indicate that you dissociated as well.

Honestly, based ONLY on the information you have provided in your post, I don't see a solid case for a DID diagnosis yet. However, there may be more applicable information that your therapist knows, and I don't.

Wendy pointed out that there are people who believe that the DID is fabricated by therapists who convince clients that alters exist when they do not. I see that this could be a possibility in SOME cases, but I very STRONGLY believe there are real, true cases of DID. And yes, doubting that you have DID is VERY MUCH a common response. In fact, in all the books I've read on DID, I don't know if I've seen even one yet in which the client didn't doubt it at first. Even when they don't doubt it anymore, people often have a hard time accepting it. It's a tough pill to swallow, as well you know! That doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

The nature of the disorder is set up to avoid detection. (Similar to the abuse that contributes to the development of DID). So no, you would not necessarily know for sure if you did have it. This doesn't mean you have to automatically accept what your therapist is saying, though. You can ask questions to try to understand why he would think this. I am NOT trying to say that you do OR do not have DID. I'm just letting you know what I've learned.

Here are some questions that your post raised for me:

(1) Has your therapist actually met any alters? DID should not be diagnosed until there has been an alter discovered. It's ok for a therapist to have suspicions and be looking into it before that of course, based on your symptoms, but to assume that you have DID when there is no evidence of actual alters would be a mistake. If you don't know whether or not your therapist has met alters, this would be a good question to ask.
(2) What about physiological symptoms? Do you have any that you know of? How is your stomach/digestive tract? Do you get a lot of headaches? Stuff like that. What kinds of health problems have you had in your history?
(3) About talking to yourself. Everybody has internal dialogues with themselves. This is normal. However, multiples may have a dialogue running within themselves that is more like separate people conversing. When you talk to yourself and hear yourself, is this like a dialogue exchanged between two different people, or more like one person working out a conflict? You mentioned it was like what you see in the movies. Is it like Jan Brady from the Brady Bunch, who has whole conversations back and forth, but it's clearly one person's voice? Do you ever hear voices inside of your head that don't sound like your own? Do they say things that you don't think came from you- as if another person was living inside your mind and telling you things? My understanding is that in DID, you will not "hear" voices outside of your head. Schizophrenics hear voices outside their heads. But in DID, a person may hear voices of different people, but only inside their head. I think this is one of the ways you can distinguish.
(4) When you talk to yourself, what kinds of conversations do you have? If it's not to embarassing, could you give an example of what a conversation in your head sounds like?
(5) About your memory... You said that you don't recall your history of abuse. What is your memory of your life, as a whole? Can you remember a lot of your life, or is that difficult? Are there any noticable pieces of time that you can't recall?
(6) You are absolutely right in thinking that everybody has shards of themselves. Everyone experiences some internal conflict. In dissociative disorders, the lines start to get a little more clear between one aspect of your personality and another. In DID, the parts of you become completely separate- to the point where they are more than one personality- alters. Some of these alters are aware of eachother, some are not. Usually the "host" personality (the one who spends the most time in the body) is unaware of the others when s/he starts therapy.
(7) If you feel that your experience is more of "mood changes" than separate entities, it is important to take that into consideration. From my own experience, I can say that I also feel like a child sometimes. But I am still me. I know I'm not multiple- I'm defintely only one- but there are different aspects of me, and I do have a wide range of moods and temperaments depending on the day. Still, it is just one person who experiences ALL of these feelings. It sounds like you feel this is the case with you. Did I understand that right? Or am I putting words in your mouth?

The fact that you're fairly certain you don't lose time COULD indicate that you don't have DID. Then again, you may not realize when you've lost time either. I wonder, do people often say that you've done things you have absolutely no recollection of doing? Do you ever find items around your home that you do not recognize at all? Does your money get spent without your knowing where it went? Are there any other things that happen to you that you find confusing or peculiar? You mentioned that you do not have people recognize you that you don't know. That's something I would have asked about as well, because it's something that commonly happens to DID clients. Do you happen to keep a journal or other form of writing or drawing? If so, do you ever find unfamiliar handwriting or artwork in it?

There are a lot of things to consider here. And I've already given you a lot of questions. So I won't go into more of it for now. I will reccomend a book for you, though, if you're interested in reading some things that may help you learn more. I reccomend: The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Haddock. I'll "talk" (type) with you about some other books, personal accounts, that might be helpful in understanding DID, but I'd like to know a little more about you and what might trigger you before I reccomend anything else, okay?

Now, I know this is a lot of questions, so if it takes a while to respond, that's ok. If not, that's ok, too! I would be happy to help you in any way I can. I also know a therapist whose specialty is DID and I can ask them a few questions if there's something I don't understand or haven't read about yet.

If nothing else, I'm willing to be a sounding board for your own ideas and conflicts as you try to decide what you think is going on with you! I'm willing to be a friend to you, and help you out during this confusing experience.

Please feel free to email me. It may be a better idea than posting, if you want to get ahold of me in particular. Sometimes I don't get around to checking posts as often as I should. (If you'd rather just share the information with everyone as a post, though, that's totally fine, too). Do whatever you feel most comfortable about

My email address is: angelaurora82@yahoo.com.

Hope this helps!

SweetCrusader (Angela)





"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

I am not sure why I am replying to this post, other than I also had a therapist say I was “did”. She, of course, was wrong... I am “NOT” did/mpd.. She said she saw me change and when she starting saying “who am I talking to”, I’d just sit there stunned.. She gave me books on “did” which were interesting and many things I related to, but the key to “did” is separate personalities which I do NOT have.. .

My suggestion for you is make a copy of your post, take it with u when u see your therapist; highlight the areas of concerns and ask questions. I’d also make a list of things you want to ask that you didn’t cover in your post... And keep asking and don’t stop until you’re satisfied with the answers. I think a second opinion would be a good idea. You can find books on “did” at the library or book stores.. I really don’t recall the title of the books I read.. If I can think of them I will post the titles..

(Oh, I chose to type “did/mpd” in lower case.. When I saw it in upper case all I could see was “did” … so I put it in its proper place as blending in with the text.)

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
-George Bernard Shaw - (1856-1950)

Hi K! I don't have DID, but I have a long history of sexual abuse and a mother who didn't believe me when I tried to tell her about it. Because of that I have found that it's often times VERY difficult for me to believe myself. I don't even trust myself to tell the truth about the price of items at the grocery store. I know I'm not lying, but I feel like everyone else thinks I'm lying about everything, including insignificant things. Because of that I have a tendency to second-guess myself all the time about everything. I am learning, slowly but surely, that what happened to me was very real. Both through my own actual memories and through the stories of other people. I'm learning to trust myself. It sounded to me from your message as though you may be going through something similar. You sounded somewhat unsure of yourself. I too have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and treated with Lithium, but I knew the diagnosis wasn't right. I finally went of the meds and found a wonderful psychologist who saw me on an almost constant basis. He eventually diagnosed me with OCD, and that is an incredibly accurate diagnosis. I guess what I'm trying to say is-don't accept the diagnosis just because this one person thinks it fits you. If you're unsure about this then try to get a second opinion. If you feel like this person is trying to pigeon-hole you into a certain disorder and can only see you through that one lens, then get another doctor. The trouble with abuse is that, especially when we are abused as children, we are so influenced by our abusers that in order to tolerate the abuse we fail to distinguish fantasy from reality. What I mean is that we live two lives-one as that of an abused child, the other as a regular person. Sorting it all out as an adult is no small task because then we are required to distinguish what really happened from the life we thought we led. Fore example, I was raped for years by my mother's boyfriend and she chose him over me. I knew I was being raped, but so many people believed my mother and her boyfriend were the most wonderful people to walk the planet. They did everything for everyone, but walked all over me. Eventually I started doubting myself and believing everyone else. I thought I was crazy because I was the only one who saw this other side of them. As an adult, I try to seperate being raped from the "fabulous" people that everyone else thought they knew and it's very hard. Because I am unsure of my stories doesn't necessarily mean that I have a personality disorder, it just means that even though I am a fully functioning adult part of me is still an unsure kid who thinks everyone thinks I'm lying all the time. Now, I'm no psychologist, so please don't take my advice over a proffessional's advice, but maybe a second opinion would help you determine whether or not DID is something you face. I hope this helps you at least a little.

Are you still around?

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

I don't know if you will ever check this forum again, but on the chance that you will, here are some other books... (This is copied from a reply I gave to Myrtle on this forum, who has a friend with DID).

(Rather than warning you for each and every book, let me just say now that EVERY one of these stories contains very graphic and potentially triggerring material. There are accounts of really severe and sadistic emotional, physical, and sexual abuse inflicted on these people in childhood. It's pretty much impossible to find a book on DID that doesn't contain that sort of thing, since it's a trauma-related disorder. These will not be light reading material, but they certainly have a LOT to offer in terms of understanding abuse, DID, and people in general I think. Personally, I think they are worth the risk and heartache involved in reading them. But you'll have to make that call for yourself, whether or not you are ready and able to deal with these accounts and still be safe! It might be a good idea to talk it over with your therapist first, actually)

"The Magic Daughter" (I can't remember the author's name, but if you decide you want to read it and can't find the name, just post a message on here and I'll get it to you) This book is written by a person with DID and discusses a lot of the "logistics-" the difficulties and confusions of living with DID. A good introduction into some of the "technical" things a person with DID experiences. I don't remember it being quite as emotionally-wrenching as some others, but it definitely has some intense parts. I would reccomend it.

"The Flock" by Joan Frances Casey. Gives the story of a client with DID and her therapist, who engaged in "reparenting therapy." This book is a tear-jerker to say the least. Have your tissues handy. It will definitely shed some light on the experience of both the client and the therapist in working with DID. "Reparenting therapy" is a controversial but not uncommon method for dealing with DID, as well as other trauma-related issues. This is one of my favorites.

"First Person Plural: My Life As A Multiple" by Cameron West, PhD. This is the first book by Cameron West, a psychologist who once had DID and is now integrated. He worked on his PhD during the course of his therapy. It discusses finding out about his disorder and the hell he and his family experienced as he went through therapy. I reccomend it.

"When Rabbit Howls" by The Troops for Trudi Chase. The Troops for Trudi Chase are still multiple. They chose not to integrate, but instead to work cooperatively as a system. This book is confusing for those of us with one self. Very, very good. Terrified me at times, though, to be quite honest. (It was only the second book I read on DID and it's GRAPHIC in it's depictions of abuse). Because it is written by many selves, it gets a bit confusing here and there. However, it gives a rare and incredible glimpse into the INTERNAL experience, the inner workings of the DID clients' "system." It's a major page-turner, and a heart-breaking piece as they all are, really. Very intense, easy to become enthralled in. I would reccomend reading other books before this one, to get a basic intro to DID before reading this.

"Sybil" by Flora Rheta Schreiber. This is the classis DID case everyone knows about. A very interesting read, and a look at the mind of Sybil as a child. By far the most graphic and difficult to handle book I've read in terms of sexual abuse. It wouldn't be my most highly reccomended book, but it does have some stuff in it that's really good to understand so I wouldn't necessarily say absolutely not to read it either. I definitely don't reccomend making this the first book on DID that you read.

SC


"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown