Awhile back T asked me what I would do if the two of us were in the painting that was hanging on the wall in the room. He asked what would happen if he walked away fro me in the painting. The painting is of a picnic table in a park. I told him I would get really angry and when he came back I would push him into the table. Then he asked me what images were coming to mind and I said I was having violent images of everything on the table breaking and his head injured.

So yesterday we were analyzing one of my poems in which the picnic table-painting experience was incorporated into one of the stanzas. The exact line is "I would shove you into the picnic table, glass pitcher first."

When he re-read that part out loud, I said, "That's pretty violent-- sorry about that."

And he goes, "Violent? Come on, you've said worse to me. What about when we were actually talking about it in session? Didn't you tell me half of my head was missing? I would say this is loving. At least I'm not decapitated this time."

And I said, "Yeah. You tend to bring out the affectionate side of me."

[ECHOES]

You two are a riot.

His injured head.. were you having doubts about his ability at that time?

[MissCharlotte]

LOL

Well worth loving, Pink.

Maybe by splitting his head open you could have easier access to his thoughts.

[SecretGarden]

Your exchanges are pretty amazing but do these thoughts not scare you a bit? They would scare me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SecretGarden said:
Your exchanges are pretty amazing but do these thoughts not scare you a bit? They would scare me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

They are disturbing, but I am no stranger to awful images. I am a very visual person and a lot of my anxiety and anger (including intense images of violence and SI) come out in extremely vivid images both in and out of therapy. It is why I write the way I do-- a way to put words to the images. And I really like that I am becoming comfortable enough in therapy to share the images with him-- and that he is so accepting of them. And of me.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
I would say this is loving. At least I'm not decapitated this time."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I almost spit up on my computer screen when I read this. My daughter asked, what's so funny, mom, what's so funny? I tried to think how to explain this to her, but finally just said, "oh, nothing."

[SecretGarden]

Well alrighty then.... good for you! Better to share that than keep it in.

Leave it to me... the first time the word "love" is used by either one of us in regards to our relationship and it has to do with me shoving his head through a picnic table.

my T recently said something which hurt me, and i told him it was how a lot of other people had hurt me and so, he asked me what was different about this time... i said "um... i'm paying for it?"

i loved your exchange too.. humour makes the connection stronger, and spontaneous stuff like that can't be better.

[Gracey]

ROFL Pink. . .girl, you are a hoot!

Once, during a very difficult session I got up to leave and my T got up and put his hand, palm down, against the door so I couldn't pull it open. He's lots bigger than me. . .and I turned and told him, "Let GO. NOW." He didn't. I was FURIOUS. I took his hand off the door and twisted it back behind him (go Guard training!) and walked out. He called me later, wanting to know if I was ok, etc, and I thanked him for calling, and apologized for my anger and misconduct. LOL He said the secretary, upon seeing me storm out and him coming after me and hearing what had happened told him, "You been working with abuse survivors for HOW long and you don't have better sense than to get b/t them and door? You're lucky she didn't kick your *** good."

ROFL. . .we've never had that problem since.

I will say this though. . .there's this weird sense of a shifting in control over that. . .I dont' know how to explain it but it's definately there now.