[Mouse_]

I keep thinking about yesterday, and leaving T early...Partly I left because I was having mean thoughts about people who have been there for me and I felt that now I didn't need them in the same way, I was wanting to throw them away. I was ashamed of this and I didn't want T to either point this out or even know it...

I started to feel uncomfortable with myself and THEN that turned into a fear I have, that I will start my period and stand up and her white couch with me full of my blood..

The sudden fear of this happening forced me to leave...

I was thinking this morning why do I have that fear? why do I have when I feel awful about myself?

I remember at junior sch, I was about 7 and often in trouble. I got sent to the headmistresses office and she was on the phone and I went to sit on a chair and she told me in a stern voice "NO not in that chair, you dirty little thing"

Even thinking about that now sounds rage and feelings of discust through me.

I guess when I feel bad about myself that is associated with how bad I felt about myself when the headmistress said that to me..I believed her. I was a dirty little thing, I guess I believed she knew me more than I knew myself.

This is what I was afraid of yesterday, that T knew my wicked thoughts i was having before I knew them. That suddenly people I had been hanging onto I wanted to run from, how mean and selfish a person am I to want to do that? To not do what T was going to direct me to and find the goodness in the relationships regardless of my needs changing..

I felt like I was god that had turned into the devil. I have told her all my past abuse and neglect stories where I felt safe because she would be looking at me as a person that has had things "done to her" but now she would see me a an evil person that is "doing too" people.

My security of "victim" is used up, now what is left of me? I become evil. I AM BAD no one could like me if they really knew me. My time has run out, now the evil will be seen.

Yes, but there aren't only two "yous". Good and evil..... polar opposites. What about somewhere in the middle? Surely you are not evil if you have wicked thoughts, recognize and label them as so, and then choose not to act on them. It's not a bad thing to have thoughts like that-- it fact it's quite okay as long as you are dealing with them the way you need to, i.e. sharing them with T, writing them down. I think your T can accept all of the "yous"-- good, evil, everything in between.... and with you working as hard as you do, I bet you will be able to in time.

[Perna]

Oooh, what good associations between your period and fears and "badness". I had secondary subtype encopresis:

"Emotional causes can include. . . stressful life events (marital discord between parents, moving to a new neighborhood, family physical or mental illnesses or new siblings). They try to demonstrate control over difficult aspects of their lives by refusing to use the toilet. . ." http://psychologytoday.com/conditions/encopresis.html

Not cool when you're 6-7 and the teacher "sniffs" you out!

If you're bad, I'm dirty; you can't have both :-) My stepmother use to call me "a dirty, old, black-hearted thing". I wish I'd had all my smarts I have now with me then? The name calling isn't very original! A "thing"? My inner critic can do better than that!

"I" am not what I'm labeled? Sometimes I'm not even seen very clearly in what I do or say. . . I am much more complex and interesting than any one incident, dream, or fantasy? Mouse, you are not "just" bad (or dirty, I'll share if you insist). You are not all contained in the fantasy of menstrual blood on your T's white couch and I don't think you considered "Her" likely real response(s)? You only looked at a piece of a picture and that makes it only a fantasy (were it "reality" we'd try to see/would look for as much information as we could?) so treat it as one should a good fantasy and be grateful for your unconscious for showing you the connections you've seen?

What was the thought I read yesterday? "Fear is not a wall, it's a feeling." There is nothing "physical" there to keep you from moving forward and finding out.

I think... That everybody has different parts or aspects to them. The part that goes to church can be quite different from the part that goes to the pub can be quite different from the part that plays with the kids can be quite different from the part that goes to work etc. It is normal to be fragemented to a certain extent, and it is normal to have different roles or parts or aspects come to the fore for different circumstances. The person who rigidly enacted the same role at church and the pub and with the kids etc would be pathological in their rigidity.

Where am I going with this? I'm getting there...

One part was a victim. The aspect that has experienced that has some wonderful qualities. Sensitivity to others. Kindness to others (that comes from the sensitivity). Concern for others. Sweetness. Compassion etc. The experience of pain... Can be used for good: It can make us more clued into the pain of others and it can help motivate us to help other people with their pain. I guess that is the good of the 'victim' role. There can be bads associated with the victim role too. Helplessness, passivity, depression, retraumatisation etc. Life can be about... Trying to maximise the strengths so the weaknesses are shored up.

When people have been victimised... There is this thing called 'identification with the abuser'. It is when the rage and disgust and feelings of the abuser... Are internalised into part of oneself. The abuser that tells us that we are worthless and hopeless and will never amount to any good. The abuser that can come out and hurt others when we perceive that they are (or are attempting to) hurt us. The abuser has some strengths too... Anger at injustices means that we can stand up for others or for ourself. There are some good qualities too.

Maybe... With your anger... You are discovering parts of yourself that you were never aware of before. Now that you have a trusting relationship with your therapist for the very first time you are starting to become aware of some of these feelings... And it is pretty scary. Thats not mouse. Mice are quiet and timid and shy little things... They don't hurt people... They don't feel angry. Except that.. Feeling anger is part of the human condition. And so mouse can indeed feel angry and really... Its more of a concern that she never felt angry before.

But... When you become aware of them for the first time... It can feel like an identity crisis. Thats not me! I don't feel those things! If that is me... Then who am I? Who am I again? Seperation... Individuation... Carving out your own identity in life.

Sucks to NEED people. To go out of our way to make sure we are needed by them (so they don't leave us). To forsake aspects of ourself out of fear that that will be unacceptable to them. Maybe... Pushing them away is partly about fear that they will push you away when they find out about these aspects? Maybe...

I... used to think that i was inherently unacceptable. dirty. repulsive. disgusting. i used to have this dream when i was a little kid... i'd be naked and tied to a chair. people would be walking past.... some would walk past, indifferent to me. some would stop and point me out to others and laugh. they would share a moment of mutually condemning me and then move on. some would stop doubled over with laughter. some would snigger. some would throw hard apples at me. i'd wake up feeling disgusting.

now... i don't think i'm inherently unacceptable... but i FEEL that way sometimes. when i get really stressed i can't go out in public because i think people are laughing or thinking bad thoughts about me. sometimes... it becomes a bit psychotic until the stress alleviates. shame shame shame shame shame. shaming of an intensely sensitive individual. scars so deep. buring. burning shame burning pain and sometimes it hurts so bad i just want to be dead.

othertimes... i feel such immense rage that others hurt me so. remember the dog fight mouse? how appropriate is it to feel %#@&#! mad at the people who enjoy watching dogs hurt each other? anger... is an appropriate response sometimes.

between curling up and disappearing...

and standing up for oneself. asserting ones existence as a worthwhile individual who will not be walked over.

[Mouse_]

*mouse breaths a sigh of relief*

((Pink, Perna, Ak))

[Soidhonia]

(((MOUSE))). I would like to say this in a manner not to trigger you in any way. I know to you this may sound obsurd or unwarranted, but everyone that likes and adores you at this time have learned that you are a caring and honest person and that you are a very loving and caring individual, mainly because you are aware of what you have been through you would not want another person to go through themselves. With that said I want to express some concerns that I have regarding what you said about the head mistress. What she said to you was not necessary or warranted she was just wrong in what she said to you when you were that age, it is no wonder you have so many questions about yourslf when everything and everyone was so negative in your past. I hope that someday that you will be able to overcome the fears you have regarding these issues. I think that it is very commendable of you to get the help you ned to unleash all of this fear you have had for so long. Also in reagard to your fear of starting your period on your counselors couch ( I have the very same problem when I get stressed and sometimes I do start out of sinc with my schedule due to stress), therefore, I just go prepared if I know there is a possibility of starting early by wearing a pad in case it happens. The best part of knowing or being fearful of being in an unhealthy or stressful situation, is to take a few minutes to prepare for the event so you dont have to continually worry that something like starting your period at the wrong time may happen, you will be prepared by already wearing a pad and know that you will be okay while you are at your therapist Appt or another event where you would like to enjoy yourself. I know how you feel my family was notorious for planning events, vacations where someone would be unable to enjoy themseves due to starting their period ( I am speaking of me starting on a vacation of course), so needless to say I have been there and done that many times to the point is I have learned to be prepared for any occasion where starting my period would be a possiblility for my own benefit. I hope things get betterf or you Mouse. You are not alone and I hope you know that whatever you have been throughthat you do not have to be alone. Take care Mouse PM anytime. Soidhonia.

[MissCharlotte]

(((Mouse)))

I really do understand the "dirty" feelings. My grandmother used to tell me I was dirty when I was a little girl. Whenever I begin to beat myself up, T tells me I'm being a grandmother to myself. So, now are you being a headmistress to yourself? I'm not certain why we recreate these situations. It might have something to do with the fact that they are familiar, so we find comfort and security in the familiarity of the situation.
Unfortunately, kindness, safety and security are not familiar to us.

I know you and T are getting back after a long break. Do you not feel safe again yet in her office? Does it feel unfamiliar? Does the fantasy of bleeding create a familiar scene? Or, does it make T into the headmistress? Do you feel called to her office because you were bad?

Take gentle care.

[Mouse_]

I hadn't remembered the headmistress thing for a long time, but realise that its been playing itself out silently in most of my days..I think its a good thing it came up friday into my awareness because though I am feeling full of rage about that time a long time ago, at least now I can talk about it on Monday and get through it. I was writing last night about how angry I was that a teacher, and a headmistress at that, was so mean to a child. What a power trip some of these teachers are on, working out their pain on vunrable children! If I were there today with me as a small child, I would wipe the floor with that headmistress! Man I feel angry even typing it!. What a *****!

[Soidhonia]

(((MOUSE))). I am glad to see that you are taking postive steps in confronting the issues you are having through writing to allow yourself the time and SPACE needed to vent and assure yourself that you are indeed safe from harm from this person. You can also write a letter to the headmistress and tell her how you felt then and how you feel now. (Do not mail the letter of course, unless you get the okay from your therapist). You need closure on this relationship with your headmistress and writing a letter to her can help you realize that you can Finally let go of the hurt and harm you were subjected to as a child in her office, and not having a say then besides holding in all of the feelings that you had at that time that you were not allowed to express in her office and afterwards. Take care (((MOUSE))). Soidhonia .

[MissCharlotte]

YAY Mouse,

You go girl!!!

I think you should draw a picture of the headmistress and make it into a dartboard.