The last session was worth it

T and I had our last session today. She will be leaving to move out of state. I was dreading this all week. I was tore up while waiting to go into this session— as I usually am before therapy. I just felt so worked up about making sure it was special and that I got to say everything I needed that I almost felt sick. After it was all over, I couldn't have imagined it have gone any better.

I wanted to say so much and I spent the whole morning composing my thoughts from drafts I had began last month. Thinking this whole while, I couldn't possibly get everything out. I made myself compose a thank you letter, doing several starts and stops. I also composed a list of 'accomplishments', I got a good card, and I made a gift.

My T has that kind of personality that makes everything feel okay just by letting me talk. Sometimes I walk out of there and wonder how it's possible. It's going to be hard to go on without that. I know that everyone feels this way about a good therapist but I really felt like we had a connection and similar personalities. I made sure she knew this.
After she told me she was leaving I had to talk about my transference and attachment. It really forced the issue and I'm so grateful. When I said I felt a bit silly about how upset I was, she actually said we "Well yes, it's understandable, we bonded. You're grieving. That's okay." She got it and it was fine.

I managed to read my thank you letter after several choked up beginnings. Afterwards, she teared up and thanked me. She was clearly moved. She complimented my writing and said she felt honored and truly enjoyed our connection.

I almost bailed on doing a gift but am so glad I did. I gave her a framed print of a picture I had taken myself, and added a really great quote that I love. She liked it so much she said she would hang it in her new office. That was more than I could have ever hoped. The idea that she might carry something I made with her into her new space and that some new client my see it and feel inspired makes me feel over the moon.

I asked her to tell me something about about her own journey and she wasn't sure what to say. She told me a personal anecdote about what brought her into therapy and it was nice to hear.

When time was up she about leapt out of her chair to give me a hug. I was able to say "I love you" and she returned it.

We bantered a little while I moved towards the door. It struck me that I would probably never see her face again. I forgot to take her picture but
that's okay. I'll never forget her face from this day. I have a feeling that we'll keep in touch down the line.

Everything I have learned from her and our time there couldn't have happened at any other point in either one of our lives and I will always be grateful.

Thank you so very much for sharing this. It gives me hope. I will be facing the last session with my t in about a month. I can only hope it will go even 1/4 as well as this sounds. We've had a rather rough go lately.

I'm sorry you had to end.... but you got to do on your own terms - speaking your truths. I love it. It sounds like you had a really special relationship. Hold onto those memories, especially those at the end. They are like teflon during future bad times and will beautiful rays of sunshine that envelop you at other times as you move forward through your life. It warms my heart to hear your story. Way to go!

It's nice to hear a positive account of a termination.
Of course it must have been hard to say goodbye but you said everything you wanted to say and that's great!
Good luck for the rest.

Thanks everyone.

I only realized later that there was no payment for that last session. I texted her about it later, feeling bad - but of course she said don't worry about it. Considering that the last half of the session ended up being informal chatting about where she was head off to, her showing me pictures from her most recent trip there, I guess it makes sense not to charge.

I will say, it is true that when / if a therapist ever shares any part of their life with you, there is a strong temptation to envy and compare your life with theirs. I felt that. I teased her about why she would ever want to go (to that fabulous place with family) when she would miss all the great sites of this dump of a town we live in — (citing the local pizza joint and the dive bars in the neighborhood) I am envious. I'm aware of it and where that comes from and I was able to laugh about it. In fact my card was a joke about that.

When I looked back and where we started, I learned that she had only started at that office a couple months before I began my time with her. In a way, this space was a period of transition for us both. We couldn't have met at any other time in our lives. That's neat to think about.

From this point forward I really have to focus on Me. She won't be there to say the things she does when I'm down and self-loathing, but I know what she would say and I really do have a feeling of 'taking the training wheels' off. I'm on my own now, but in a good way and it will be hard but she was in my life at a time when i needed to make some big changes and now - I think I can balance things on my own for a little while.