[Favorite Jeans]

Hi peeps. So I'm really trying to finally power through this attachment issue with my T. We're into year 6 together and I feel like I need to bite the bullet already. I have dealt with a lot of other grief and trauma and grown a lot in my time with her. This is the one area that is still heavy with shame and feels like it could take me down at a time when I'm otherwise stronger and more resilient than I've ever been.

Maybe I just want to bite the bullet already. I'm almost ready to shed this skin and see what is on the other side. I am ready to live.

The issue is that I feel this awful pit of neediness at my core that has caused me to form some very unhealthy attachments that I feel gross about. I feel gross about wishing T could be my mom and longing for her to take care of me. There is so much trauma in the attachment stuff that it feels incredibly daunting to take it on. You know?

I have tried bringing this up with her and she seems with me in the moment but then she doesn't seem to get what a huge undertaking addressing this issue would be for me. For example, I proposed a plan for her about six weeks ago detailing what I thought I'd need from her to do this work (eg phone check ins once a week for a specified period) and she never really got back to me about it. I was kind of mortified and happy to talk about something else the following session. There has been A LOT going on and I only see her weekly to be fair, it is hard to cram it all in. But still.

So how do I do it? How do I bring up such hard and mortifying and shameful stuff? How do I say that I'm angry that I worked so hard to to bring this to her, she promised to think about it and she let it drop? I mean I kind of know the answer. But I need you to nudge me in the right direction. Can you do that? Rockstars. All of you.

[unaluna]

Maybe its just the timing? Arent you recently post breakup? She doesnt want to be - waddycallit - the rebound relationship? So shes waiting...?

[atisketatasket]

I don't really understand what your plan is. How are you going to address the issue? You're not leaving her, I don't think, and what's the purpose of you checking in by phone?

Anyway, she might not get it either in terms of the whys and wherefores? It doesn't sound like you talked about the plan, you just handed it over?

Oh, and yeah, you know the answer: in addressing it, the only way out is through.

I hope it works out.

(And you didn't ask for this, sorry, but I don't think you need to feel gross about wishing other people were your mother. I know I don't - sad, yes, but not gross.)

[Favorite Jeans]

Oh no, I did talk about it. I may have overwhelmed her with it. I should have made that clear in my original post.

I went in there with a very large hand-drawn poster (my newest journaling medium! it's really fun, I highly recommend it!) complete with diagrams, comics, lists, drawings and text boxes explaining in what felt like excruciating detail what this issue was like for me.

The last part of it was my written proposal for dealing with it in therapy. I read it with her and she said she'd think about it. The checking in by phone is because I need for her not to disappear for seven whole days while I am processing trauma. The last time we did intense trauma work together it "just happened," we did not plan for it and it was a shitshow where I did not feel supported and felt constantly vulnerable and triggered. Now we both know better and I need some kind of plan that recognizes that this work requires more from her than advising me in session to remember to stay with my breathing the rest of the week.

She is of course free to say no and contribute her own ideas about what she is willing to do, if anything, and what she feels is appropriate. That was just one of several of my ideas (all of which were respectful of her professional boundaries and involved paying her for her time.)

I went on vacation shortly after that session and then had other things I wanted to talk about. I know it remains my responsibility to Use My Words and direct my own session but her silence on this issue (6 wks!) is unnerving and uncharacteristic. She knows because I told her (having put on my big girl panties and Used My Words and whatnot) that this shyt freaks me right out and I feel like she's saying, huh, sucks to be you, good luck with that!

[unaluna]

Well, now i want to see the comics!

IME, past ts would think i HAD worked something out, if i had put that much into it.

Its ALWAYS on us to ask. We are there to exercise that facility (?) until its as easy as asking for a drink of water - which for some of us, also took years.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Well, now i want to see the comics!

IME, past ts would think i HAD worked something out, if i had put that much into it.

Its ALWAYS on us to ask. We are there to exercise that facility (?) until its as easy as asking for a drink of water - which for some of us, also took years.

But is it ALWAYS? If your T says "let me think about that and get back to you" do you have say "well, have you thought about it?"

Can't there be a reasonable expectation that they will just do what they say? I feel like my T is asking me to beg. Or asking me to be the secretary when she is the one paid to keep notes. It's pissing me right off, frankly.

[satsuma]

I think, when I have had difficult stuff to talk about, I have talked about talking for a while before actually delving in.
So in this case, maybe that would mean talking about the fact that T didn't refer to the email you sent or the things you said, and how you found that discouraging/wanted T to be more supportive.
I think this could give T the opportunity to realise that she dropped the ball, and apologise, and/or demonstrate that she is listening and ready to take it seriously.
I usually found that talking about talking was helpful, and can be supportive because you can plan for what to do if you feel upset afterwards. It sounds like you were being very proactive in trying to do that.
I think that is what I would try anyway, if it is helpful! I'm sorry that your T did not respond well. I hope she can make it up to you.

[Favorite Jeans]

Una, I'll see if I can post a pic of the comics for ya!

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by satsuma

I think, when I have had difficult stuff to talk about, I have talked about talking for a while before actually delving in.
So in this case, maybe that would mean talking about the fact that T didn't refer to the email you sent or the things you said, and how you found that discouraging/wanted T to be more supportive.
I think this could give T the opportunity to realise that she dropped the ball, and apologise, and/or demonstrate that she is listening and ready to take it seriously.
I usually found that talking about talking was helpful, and can be supportive because you can plan for what to do if you feel upset afterwards. It sounds like you were being very proactive in trying to do that.
I think that is what I would try anyway, if it is helpful! I'm sorry that your T did not respond well. I hope she can make it up to you.

Talking about talking is a good idea.

Sometimes I feel like a normal adult with my T. I'll be talking to her about adult things like divorce or moving or work or what have you and I sometimes feel vulnerable around those issues. Like I'll feel tearful, sad or exhausted. Maybe I'll even feel ashamed or incompetent. But I basically still feel like grown up me doing the best I can. Usually I hear what she is saying and I feel encouraged and emerge with a greater sense of clarity and competence. Also I feel pretty secure in the relationship because there we are, relating.

And then there's the other stuff where I feel totally lost and helpless and childlike. It's brutal. I can't make much use of anything she says because I'm terrified that she doesn't really exist and I basically want some kind of comfort that she can only sometimes give me and I am overwhelmed and mortified because the need is so huge and so raw and so primal. I don't know why sometimes she can comfort me, it's like she strikes the exact right tone, posture and word combo and gets through. I feel extremely insecure and not at all sure that she understands me and I suspect I'm driving her crazy.

Anyway evidently my feelings about the latter type of session are a little intense because I worry that it's lurking there. But you're saying I can talk about this as an administrative issue: "it feels like you let the ball drop on the question I put to you some weeks ago and that is upsetting to me." Good plan!

[satsuma]

I totally understand what you say about sometimes feeling like the highly functioning adult that you are, and sometimes feeling like a little child who really needs comfort. I get that too. In a way it is so difficult, isn't it? But I think maybe that it's the flip side of therapy being so healing - because it is reaching our whole self.
I hope all goes well when you speak again to your T, and that she comes through for you.

[Calilady]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I feel extremely insecure and not at all sure that she understands me and I suspect I'm driving her crazy.

I totally feel you on this!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Una, I'll see if I can post a pic of the comics for ya!

Thanks! As to responsibility, yeah, remember how on Dallas and Falcon Crest and all those 80's shows, they were always trying to get 51 pct of the stock, so then they have control of the company? We have - we want / need to have - that 51 pct control. We need to develop that agency to take care of ourselves. Once you get PAST that point, then yeah you can relax, but you have to get there first.

What am i missing here? What am i not seeing? I would feel brought up short if my t said, "going back to something you said a few weeks ago..." - like i didnt know my own business, my own agenda, what was important to me.

[awkwardlyyours]

(((FJ)))

Not sure if you've already spoken to her but for what it's worth, something jumped out at me (and, I recognize that I'm entirely projecting here given how my brain works) --

I know the conventional wisdom on this is different but can you think of what's the best way to really connect with your T when you're wanting to talk about this sort of complex emotional stuff? Like you, I tend to also take a more analytical approach (although, I haven't quite gotten to chart + comics level ).

That used to work super well with my former T (I don't know who was more uncomfortable with actual feelings -- her or me) and she totally 'read between the lines' of all that extremely logical verbiage and got what I was trying to say.

With current T, to say that approach falls flat would be a gross understatement. Her usual attunement to me goes for a total toss when I use my head, so to speak, to talk about how I am feeling. She says the wrong-est things, forgets stuff, starts visibly struggling to connect the dots and in all this while, my irritation / hurt / anger levels just go right through the roof.

What does work for her though is when I screw up the courage to say eff-it to any logic / analysis and instead just go right to the raw emotion -- that has meant that at times I've literally sounded like a < 5-year old in session and I've accused her of all sorts of offenses in the whiniest tantrum-y tone imaginable. Strangely, while I was curling up in a fetal ball of shame in another part of my noodle as this display of mine was underway, she totally "got it" -- said the exact right things, fixed the stuff that needed to get fixed and so on.

In the process though, I also had to -- very scarily -- open myself up to her responses to me (while I was in the < 5 year-old state) in the moment. I had little or no access to the super rational, super logical, super cognitive part of me -- anything she said, no matter how much it may hurt me, had to be responded to right then and there. And, the hurt, anger, total silence, absolute rage etc needed to be shown and dealt with right then and there.

Oddly though, barring a few occasions (when there was other stuff that was really getting to me), doing it this way made me feel "soothed" and "settled" to an extent that all my logic and analysis (over many many many sessions) had failed to help me achieve.

But, do I now revert to this approach every time I need to convey anything to her? Nope, of course not. Why would I make therapy easier for myself? Like really, why?

Oh, and as for her not bringing it up later -- have you tried just starting a session by telling her that you have nothing to say and so, does she have something to say? And, if she still doesn't bring it up, then talk about how it feels?

The reason I'm saying this is because -- again, given my hyper-analytical and uhh...hyper-in-control (sounds nicer than controlling!) attitude towards these sorts of things -- I usually go into session knowing exactly what I want to tackle. Consequently, current T just lets me do whatever and says little to change the agenda. A few times though, I decided to switch it up and just did this "I got nothing" routine and she surprised me -- like seriously surprised me -- by bringing up incredibly cool stuff (things that I thought she'd totally missed but were super important to me but clearly she'd very astutely picked up) from previous sessions.

And, a couple of times, I've gone a little further and actually just made it open-ended by asking "Hey, how are you feeling about that session when we discussed X?". Again, she's super surprised me by bringing up stuff from there that she thought might've annoyed me (my major problem with her) or made some kinda impact but I thought she'd totally missed.

I am absolutely positive that if I hadn't given her these openers, she'd never have brought it up on her own.

I know in your case it's different because she said she'll think about it and let you know but I've seen that happen as well with Ts -- they still don't bring it up unless the client does again.

[unaluna]

and ditto on t surprising me when i say go ahead n talk.