Negative maternal transference and reenacting past patterns with T

(((LONESOME))) Are you ready for another of my dumb metaphors? I think what your MC (and my t) does is like when you go to Cordon Bleu cooking school in france - they teach you how to break an egg. That is, the start from scratch and show you the right way. They dont assume you already know, or try to "correct" the way you do it now. They just have you do it the right way, over and over and over.

When i went to manicure school, same thing - it was, forget how you USED to do it, this is how you are going to do it now. So its like, they refuse to even get into reenacting old patterns. You can try, but youre on your own.

Whereas your t, i hear her saying, oh that might be reenacting, i wouldnt DO that! Then dont, b!

a) Hm, I'm not sure. Maybe I just wanted to share it, and have her be like, "OK." For it to be something that I could talk about. I think it's also partly that T *didn't* want to know that made me want to tell her. Does that make sense? Like she's also making it a thing. A month or so ago, I'd told her that I'd talked to MC for 25 minutes when I'd been upset about something from session. And a couple times, she mentioned not the call, but "the 25-minute phone call." So the time seemed to be a thing to her, too. So...maybe I wanted to understand why?

b) I think what it meant to me is to show that he really cares. I think it's almost like I need proof that someone cares, that it's hard for me to trust their words. (I mentioned that in the other post too, I think.) Like, to me it's, he took x amount of his own time to talk to me. Maybe...it makes me feel like I'm more than just a paycheck to him.

I figured this was coming at some point, as it sometimes does in threads about MC (though I guess this one was originally about T...) OK, there have definitely been some fleeting moments where it was more of a romantic feeling. Like, maybe I sense some chemistry there at times, say, when we're joking back and forth. And the intensity of my reaction when I found out his wife had died...though my mom had cancer (and survived) when I was a teen (and when my anxiety issues started), so it may have just been that it triggered feelings from back then.

But the reason I think that it's all or mostly paternal is that it seems like the feelings come from a different place. I've had romantic and/or sexual feelings for people many times in the past. I've been in love multiple times. But the stuff with MC just seems rooted somewhere else, in something from the past. Like if I feel hurt by him or even am just overwhelmed by feelings of transference, as happens from time to time, I literally feel it somewhere else in my body (like deep in my chest) than where I've felt romantic love (and I've been in deep, near-obsessive love with people before--sometimes reciprocal, sometimes not--so it's not like I don't know what that feels like). This is just some other thing entirely. He taps into something in me, filling a need, a void that seems to go back to childhood. Particularly when he's being reassuring, even just saying "It's OK."

I don't know, it's just...different. And the thought of losing him (whether by termination, death, etc.) feels more like losing a parent than a lover, like more primal. Like back when I was a kid, and my parents had me stay with my grandfather while they went on a vacation. And I was convinced they were going to die in an accident, and I just imagined what that would feel like...

Thanks, Una. That metaphor makes sense to me. It's like MC is trying to teach me the stuff I should have learned in childhood. He's trying to rewrite my "schemas" (which is something he talks about at times).

Whereas T...she's coming at it from a different angle. She's said how my mom and I were a bad fit, she can see how I learned some negative messages in childhood...but it's like she's trying to work with me where I'm at now rather than address those issues. Like at first she tried to do CBT with me for panic/anxiety, but I think my brain overrides that or something. It just doesn't work. We've talked about my childhood and my parents, and she'll seem sad about it and say what they should have done for me...but that doesn't really help me now.

I feel it's like...I have an underlying illness, and T's trying to treat the symptoms. Whereas MC is trying to treat the root cause. Giving me supplements and stuff like my integrative doctor, instead of, say, Tylenol.

LT: I've had a busy few days so I wasn't able to respond properly, but I want to say this: I think it's ok that you have romantic AND paternal feelings for MC. I don't think you to feel ashamed that you feel that way about him.

I'm sorry I can't say more. Got lots going on. Just wanted to let you know I think you're doing great

LT, I think your analogy about getting to the bottom of the illness vs giving Tylenol for the symptoms is a good one!
I wonder if MC does schema therapy. The ideas/approach sounds similar to how my T works with me. It's powerful stuff, and I think very healing with a skilled T and when therapy goes well.