[NYC78]

Hi folks,

my long term therapist offered me that she terminate me in 6 month, I have to move on and so on- already scary time for me with attachment issue´s and trauma happened in the past. It is a difficult process to handle and I can feel already the space the air in therapy is not the same anymore...I hardly can feel any compassion from her or empathy...sentences like "I am not your mother" "You are not a child anymore" are more frequent the last sessions.

I started to panic and emailed a few therapists, with one I already had an initial sessions but was to afraid to say I am in the process of termination and we see each other again in October ...to talk about frequent sessions from January.

I have...

1. Fear to say I am terminated
2. Shame to say that I am terminated and shame I did not say in the beginning
3. I want to test new therapist and see if I can trust

Any thoughts are so very welcome from you guys

[Ididitmyway]

What is the basis for termination? The legitimate reasons to terminate working with a client, as I see it, are 1) the therapist has to relocate, 2) the client is moving out of state, 3) the therapist no longer feels competent enough to proceed with the work, 4) there was an understanding and an agreement in the beginning that therapy would have a specific limited time frame, 5) the client is unable to pay the therapist's fees and the therapist wants to transition them to a lower cost place or practitioner. If termination doesn't happen for any of the above reasons it may constitute client abandonment which is unethical.

That aside, it looks like you don't feel comfortable with her already, not comfortable enough for the 6 months that you have left to be effective. In this case, why not just make a clean break and start working with a new therapist from a clean place where you won't be ashamed or afraid to say that you are being terminated because this will no longer be the case?

[NYC78]

Number 3 happened she feel I am too needy and need more and she can´t help me anymore and yes that is what I am thinking in theory but my attachment is strong and I am suffering from grieving already.

Do you think it is unethical at all?

[Moment]

If your long-term therapist does not feel competent to continue with the work or to help anymore, why would she not then refer you to someone else who could potentially help you? And why, if she feels she can no longer be of help, would she continue to see you for another 6 months? Another six months of not helping? I don't really understand her logic or reasoning there.

Frankly, based on those quotes from your therapist (though they are out of context, so who can tell) you might be better off seeking another therapist anyway.

Are you asking if it is unethical for you to see another therapist? No, it's not unethical--you can do whatever you want!

But I don't think a good way to start off a new therapeutic relationship is to be secretive about key, essential information that a therapist would need to really help you. You are going to this person for help! If you hide the main reason you are seeking out the therapist, I think it's a bad start.

Why not "test" your new therapist by being honest. Simply say: "Look, I am scared and ashamed to talk about this, but I need to tell you what is really going on with me. My 'long-term' therapist is terminating me in a few months and I am finding it to be so difficult to deal with or even talk about." And see what the therapist says.

And, furthermore, why not go to your current long-term therapist and say, "I have started to see an additional therapist to help me during this time of termination with you." Why not? You can do whatever you want! You don't need anyone's permission.

I think you'll feel better, though, if you are acting openly with all parties.

It is normal to be deeply affected when a long-term therapeutic relationship ends. This ending sounds very hard, in part because it seems to be unilaterally imposed by your therapist for reasons that I do not understand. Still, though, I don't understand the source of your fear or shame in saying that your therapist is terminating you. Maybe you could articulate it? I think you definitely need to articulate it to your new therapist, and get some support for this! I really see nothing to be ashamed of here. It is OK to need emotional support. It is OK to ask for it. Speaking your fear and shame aloud can rob it of a lot of its power.

[Calilady]

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I agree with everything Moment wrote. Hugs!

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by Moment

If your long-term therapist does not feel competent to continue with the work or to help anymore, why would she not then refer you to someone else who could potentially help you? And why, if she feels she can no longer be of help, would she continue to see you for another 6 months? Another six months of not helping? I don't really understand her logic or reasoning there.

Frankly, based on those quotes from your therapist (though they are out of context, so who can tell) you might be better off seeking another therapist anyway.

Are you asking if it is unethical for you to see another therapist? No, it's not unethical--you can do whatever you want!

But I don't think a good way to start off a new therapeutic relationship is to be secretive about key, essential information that a therapist would need to really help you. You are going to this person for help! If you hide the main reason you are seeking out the therapist, I think it's a bad start.

Why not "test" your new therapist by being honest. Simply say: "Look, I am scared and ashamed to talk about this, but I need to tell you what is really going on with me. My 'long-term' therapist is terminating me in a few months and I am finding it to be so difficult to deal with or even talk about." And see what the therapist says.

And, furthermore, why not go to your current long-term therapist and say, "I have started to see an additional therapist to help me during this time of termination with you." Why not? You can do whatever you want! You don't need anyone's permission.

I think you'll feel better, though, if you are acting openly with all parties.

It is normal to be deeply affected when a long-term therapeutic relationship ends. This ending sounds very hard, in part because it seems to be unilaterally imposed by your therapist for reasons that I do not understand. Still, though, I don't understand the source of your fear or shame in saying that your therapist is terminating you. Maybe you could articulate it? I think you definitely need to articulate it to your new therapist, and get some support for this! I really see nothing to be ashamed of here. It is OK to need emotional support. It is OK to ask for it. Speaking your fear and shame aloud can rob it of a lot of its power.

Thank you for this input.

We are on telephone counseling and from time to time in person, I live in another country and she feels I need more support that I am hiding and I need a face to face support.

It is like you said all very logical to think this thought like you mention in very theoretical way, but my feelings hold me back in this situation I feel like I am grieving too much wasn´t expecting the termination and no I am with someone new and feel like to tell the truth new therapist would think AHA she was terminated she is hard to handle I have to be careful she is that needy scared woman who is too attached.

Hope that makes sense?

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by Moment

It is normal to be deeply affected when a long-term therapeutic relationship ends. This ending sounds very hard, in part because it seems to be unilaterally imposed by your therapist for reasons that I do not understand. Still, though, I don't understand the source of your fear or shame in saying that your therapist is terminating you. Maybe you could articulate it? I think you definitely need to articulate it to your new therapist, and get some support for this! I really see nothing to be ashamed of here. It is OK to need emotional support. It is OK to ask for it. Speaking your fear and shame aloud can rob it of a lot of its power.

I feel like I failed and I am a failure...our goal was to stick still I am read in 1-2 years and I would have been I think, now she made that decision and I feel ****** like I failed that goal, it is my fault.

[Ididitmyway]

If she is calling you needy and says or implies that she can no longer fulfill your childish needs then she is not taking responsibility for her own incompetence or her limitations. She is putting the responsibility for the termination on you. She "has to" terminate because you are so "needy"? Why not just say she doesn't feel competent or experienced enough to continue to work with you and to give you referrals like she is SUPPOSED to and to make sure that your transition to the new therapist goes smoothly? Yes, she is supposed to give you referrals if she is the one who terminates the work regardless of why she terminates, otherwise it's an abandonment and it's unethical. You shouldn't be put in the position when you have to desperately shop for a new therapist and be afraid to tell them about your termination. This is ********. If she can't work with you, she has to own it instead of blaming you for being "needy" and she has to terminate in the ethical manner like she is supposed to.

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

If she is calling you needy and says or implies that she can no longer fulfill your childish needs then she is not taking responsibility for her own incompetence or her limitations. She is putting the responsibility for the termination on you. She "has to" terminate because you are so "needy"? Why not just say she doesn't feel competent or experienced enough to continue to work with you and to give you referrals like she is SUPPOSED to and to make sure that your transition to the new therapist goes smoothly? Yes, she is supposed to give you referrals if she is the one who terminates the work regardless of why she terminates, otherwise it's an abandonment and it's unethical. You shouldn't be put in the position when you have to desperately shop for a new therapist and be afraid to tell them about your termination. This is ********. If she can't work with you, she has to own it instead of blaming you for being "needy" and she has to terminate in the ethical manner like she is supposed to.

Thank you for this input and you are vera right what your expressed here and I have the same thoughts, stupid thing is we were working cross country in the Uk the law might look different then in the US and I am german so that does not make it any better.

I feel so very much what you said and I will be telling her this but with referral she wants me to stay in Germany in my hometown and I want to seek something away where I study ( in the UK ) .

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by NYC78

Thank you for this input and you are vera right what your expressed here and I have the same thoughts, stupid thing is we were working cross country in the Uk the law might look different then in the US and I am german so that does not make it any better.

I feel so very much what you said and I will be telling her this but with referral she wants me to stay in Germany in my hometown and I want to seek something away where I study ( in the UK ) .

In your situation when you have to move from one country to another, it might be even more necessary to make a clean break with this therapist and to start fresh and clean with someone new in the UK.

[Moment]

I can see how your long-time therapist might feel you need more face-to-face contact, and more support, but if so then why wait 6 months....is that when you plan to move to the UK? If you are going to be in another country, it seems like you need someone who will be there with you--is that where your second, new therapist will be, in the UK? If so, it seems great to me that you have found someone and are establishing contact.

Look, you don't have to feel shame about your grief over your long-term therapy relationship coming to an end soon. Lots of us get very attached to our therapists. It's normal for the "termination" process to be very emotional. It really is. Even if it is a "good" termination, it is bittersweet. People can be shocked and overwhelmed by the depth of their feeling when they learn that a therapy relationship is going to end. Heck, I remember when one therapist told me she couldn't work with me anymore, I burst into tears and was crying out in the street. I didn't even like her that much, so my reaction surprised me! I crawled into be and felt like I had a terrible flu. For a lot of us, some core issues get played out in the therapy relationship. And issues that can bring up feelings of endings/abandonment/rejection can be very, very hard.

And I also don't think you should hide from the new therapist your level of need, or why your current therapy situation is terminating. I can understand why you fear that this person will think you are "too needy" or something. But it's best to just get it all out there. You need what you need! There is no reason to be ashamed of what you need. It will be *good* for this person to understand you. That way, if this person doesn't feel they can provide the level of care you need, you can know at the outset and find someone who is a better fit for you.

All I am saying is that I really think you will be best served by being honest and open with everyone about how you feel. Not every therapist is right for every client. I hope you find the one right for you and I hope you can take the risk of just putting everything out there for them to see. You have no reason to be ashamed of anything.

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by Moment

I can see how your long-time therapist might feel you need more face-to-face contact, and more support, but if so then why wait 6 months....is that when you plan to move to the UK? If you are going to be in another country, it seems like you need someone who will be there with you--is that where your second, new therapist will be, in the UK? If so, it seems great to me that you have found someone and are establishing contact.

Look, you don't have to feel shame about your grief over your long-term therapy relationship coming to an end soon. Lots of us get very attached to our therapists. It's normal for the "termination" process to be very emotional. It really is. Even if it is a "good" termination, it is bittersweet. People can be shocked and overwhelmed by the depth of their feeling when they learn that a therapy relationship is going to end. Heck, I remember when one therapist told me she couldn't work with me anymore, I burst into tears and was crying out in the street. I didn't even like her that much, so my reaction surprised me! I crawled into be and felt like I had a terrible flu. For a lot of us, some core issues get played out in the therapy relationship. And issues that can bring up feelings of endings/abandonment/rejection can be very, very hard.

And I also don't think you should hide from the new therapist your level of need, or why your current therapy situation is terminating. I can understand why you fear that this person will think you are "too needy" or something. But it's best to just get it all out there. You need what you need! There is no reason to be ashamed of what you need. It will be *good* for this person to understand you. That way, if this person doesn't feel they can provide the level of care you need, you can know at the outset and find someone who is a better fit for you.

All I am saying is that I really think you will be best served by being honest and open with everyone about how you feel. Not every therapist is right for every client. I hope you find the one right for you and I hope you can take the risk of just putting everything out there for them to see. You have no reason to be ashamed of anything.

Thank you for your kind put I am looking for online therapy and only 1/month face to face as I am still residing in Germany and only be there in the UK for studying. I feel like Germany can´t provide me the same service for the same money for LGBT issue´s or spiritual counseling like the Uk we re very far behind...

So the new one is offering online counseling versus the first was always skeptical of it...anyway it is a loss and I am grieving it hurts and she should never said things like you can stay her forever, you don't have to go anywhere this just triggers false intent in attachment and makes the termination much more messy.

[cinnamon_roll]

Originally Posted by NYC78

I feel like Germany can´t provide me the same service for the same money for LGBT issue´s or spiritual counseling like the Uk we re very far behind...

I'm from Germany myself. The German health care system has got a lot to offer in terms of therapy, you have to look and search for a little bit, that's for sure... If you check out LGBTI self-help resources you'll find plenty of contacts of LGBTI-friendly therapists.

Yes, 'officially' (on state insurance) you'll ('only') get Behavioral Therapy, or Psychodynamic (TfP), or Analytic Therapy. Which is already a lot more than you might get elsewhere. No systemic approaches are officially covered by insurance. However I've found over the years, that most therapists have done a lot of training in different aspects of therapy and most will work in some sort of "eclectic" style. Or they have added qualifications in somatic experiencing, trauma therapy, imaginative methods etc which will come into the mix as well. It's a question of finding the one that fits for you. And you can try out as many therapists you want, it's covered by insurance.

But I'm also wondering whether your long-time therapist might be right: That you might benefit more from "real" f2f contact. Also, not being an (English) native speaker myself: I've done therapy both in an English and in a German speaking context. The English was fine for current day-to-day problems. Whereas whenever things got to the "core" issues, being in a "different" language "helped" to avoid a lot of emotional stuff which would have been important as a context... Not sure I can bring across, what I'm wanting to point out. I guess, the question is: Whether your insisting on online-therapy and/or having therapy in English might be a way of avoiding what's really important and/or painful?
Just some points to think about.... Might not be the same for you.

Wishing you all the best,
c_r

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll

I'm from Germany myself. The German health care system has got a lot to offer in terms of therapy, you have to look and search for a little bit, that's for sure... If you check out LGBTI self-help resources you'll find plenty of contacts of LGBTI-friendly therapists.

Yes, 'officially' (on state insurance) you'll ('only') get Behavioral Therapy, or Psychodynamic (TfP), or Analytic Therapy. Which is already a lot more than you might get elsewhere. No systemic approaches are officially covered by insurance. However I've found over the years, that most therapists have done a lot of training in different aspects of therapy and most will work in some sort of "eclectic" style. Or they have added qualifications in somatic experiencing, trauma therapy, imaginative methods etc which will come into the mix as well. It's a question of finding the one that fits for you. And you can try out as many therapists you want, it's covered by insurance.

But I'm also wondering whether your long-time therapist might be right: That you might benefit more from "real" f2f contact. Also, not being an (English) native speaker myself: I've done therapy both in an English and in a German speaking context. The English was fine for current day-to-day problems. Whereas whenever things got to the "core" issues, being in a "different" language "helped" to avoid a lot of emotional stuff which would have been important as a context... Not sure I can bring across, what I'm wanting to point out. I guess, the question is: Whether your insisting on online-therapy and/or having therapy in English might be a way of avoiding what's really important and/or painful?
Just some points to think about.... Might not be the same for you.

Wishing you all the best,
c_r

Thank you for all your input and I have to disagree with you on the part what Germany offers as I am working in the helping profession myself...when you want I like to go to PM but it pretty much depends in which area you live...e.g.: Berlin, Köln, Hamburg, München has a lot to offer for the LGBT community but then move to a smaller communities, nothing available. I did a lot of research over the years and in my wider community around 30-50km nothing useful available and in comparison with the UK e.g. London, Manchester, Brighton is this paradise, Therapist know what it feels like to be discriminated every day.

The other issue you mentioned I agree and she might be right, that she would finde a f2f contact more useful for me and would recommend me this, however she is one critical support in my life who told me this and other´s told me it does not really depends unless the work is done. Her wish is not necessarily my wish, thats hard for her to accept and she was harsh about this. As I want to bring this to a possible good ending for me I needed to tell her this.

Her reasinigng is not ethical I feel in telling me a few month ago: "You can stay as long as you want, don't worry you have a safe place here always and don't have to go anywhere for the next 2 years" as I have already planed to downsize and terminating her in 2 years.

Online- Therapy is great for my kind of lifestyle and I don't need to commute to therapy.