The Couch 149 : Boby Lives On!

I dislike white wine of all varieties. I have tried many and wanted to spit them all out.

Can una and I pass notes?

I told my husband he needed to see a T. Not sure how well he took it. I wish he could see Duchess but he isn't home on a regular basis, and I'm not sure she would take him as a client, but she knows all of the dynamics of everything so who knows.

hi couch. i'm all twisted and messed up at the moment in my emotions about leaving t. drank too much wine and fell asleep for a couple hours. woke up thinking about t's last email and started crying and tried to explain to hubby and he said "she's giving you what she thinks you want" and i said no she's not, not really, I feel kicked out early, last I had heard we were talking about ending in November not now.

T said in that last email (in part) that "We have agreed on closure, reviewed our work together over the many years and the incredible progress and transformation you have made."

What? We have agreed on closure? I have no closure. She told me she needed a month off. How is this agreeing on closure? And she mentioned ONE dream from back in 2013. How is this a review of almost 6 years of work? The last part is true yes we did both marvel some at how much I've changed since 2011.

But I feel NO closure. None. And I do not feel like we did any kind of review of our work together. That's what I had wanted - that's why I said November - so we'd have time to review.

Nope. How is any of this closure?! Damn it my heart hurts again.

I think hubby is right, that if I go back and try to get closure, it's just going to rip me open all over again. So now I'm back to thinking I won't go back. And will need to just learn how to be okay with how it ended. As in, figure out how to realize and be okay with that maybe we both just did the best we could at the time.

I don't know. I don't know what to do.

cool whip

i'm lonely

I'll be lonely with you art. Been reading what you are going through and it sounds so painful. Reminds me of my he saying "don't go to bed angry". If you can resolve it he rupture before you end. You may feel more confident about ending in general.

thanks growly. i keep going back and forth on it. i can't call her for 3 more weeks anyway. i want to somehow talk it out, end on a good note and say a heartfelt goodbye. I want the "don't go to bed angry". but i'm also afraid that trying for that will result in more heartache.

how could what had been such a profoundly healing therapeutic relationship just so utterly fall apart so quickly?!

I know how.

Because it was all an illusion, smoke and mirrors, my heart seeing what it wanted to see and nothing more.

I think I should go back to bed and watch tv with h. Night!

Art...this may be a dumb question, but why can't you call her for three more weeks? You could call to set a future appointment, or, if you're afraid a closure session in a month will rip you apart again, but you want one, ask to do it sooner?

I would say based on my experience with 3 that the emotions after a closure session, if you really work stuff out, are more purely grief. Hard enough, even more than a month on, but better than the bitterness and upset that precedes the closure session.

Also...I would suggest you have a session or two where you hammer out what went wrong lately, and then a session that is just for saying goodbye. It marks the point of transition more clearly.

Eta: also, with respect to her email, could she be referring to the termination as closure? I have heard therapists do that, and you guys did agree to terminate.

Why is it stupid?

I've been trying to figure out why I woke up with a niserable headache and I just figured it out:

My vacuum fell on my head yesterday. I totally forgot....
If you're trying to figure out how a vacuum could have fallen on my head, don't bother, it was a weird freak accident.

Ugh, that sounds miserable. Hope your headache goes away soon, anais.

Well she said she needed a month off so I'm giving her that.

And oh.... That might be... The part about closure=termination not necessarily that we'd already had it. Maybe I'm just confused.

Likely I'm just confused.

Thanks.

I like your new username art.

Feel better anais.

I'm entertaining myself with fantasies of simply lifting out the behind-my-ear-left-side-of-my-brain with one of those cake slice server lifter things

That'd be the life!

If your brain were a type of cake or pie, what flavor would it be?

I think mine would be a cake, maybe chiffon cuz I'm dumb, or maybe something with almonds and pistachios because I'm nuts.

I suffer migraines, so I've also had fantasies of giving myself lobotomies.

I wanted to answer the cake/pie question, but my answer would only serve to worsen this obvious shame spiral I'm in.

Shoofly pie. Because I'm thick.

Sorry I didn't mean to suggest that our brain cakes had to cleverly dovetail with real or perceived negative qualities! It's just where my mind went first.

I could also be an apple tart, not for the connotation but because they're just so tasty

Ohh I love shoefly pie, I grew up near the Amish farms and it seems like no one's heard of it up here.

My office smells like roses. This upcoming week is my first week in 3 years of going from 3 to 4 sessions a week down to 2. I'm excited about the extra day but it feels weird and not normal.

No, I didn't think you were suggesting that at all. That's where my mind went. I just don't see how me posting it would help me or anyone else.

I probably shouldn't post on PC today.

I think I keep getting gross smelling olfactory hallucinations

I have no idea what the inside of my brain cake looks like.

It feels like it's wrong.

I don't know about flavor, but if my brain were cake currently methinks it would be crumbs. Crumb cake? hmm.

Ah but my mood is better this morning. I don't like evenings. And I don't like being in limbo like I feel right now.

H wants to go out to breakfast again, what, twice in one weekend? Unusual but hey, I'm up for it...