Do we really miss them? (Possible TRIGGER)

I think there is a huge difference between paying someone to teach you a tangible skill/craft, and paying someone to have a relationship with you, which is what therapy is fundamentally.

There are simply no other relationships that involve isolation in a little room for months or years, with a paid actor who is attempting to interpret your emotions and thoughts and behaviors for you, and who has the power to diagnose and pathologize those thoughts, emotions, behaviors. Also in most relationships there isn't an ever-present threat of "termination" that carries with it the potential for lasting psychological harm.

I have never paid someone to have a relationship with me. I have paid therapists to teach me the skills needed to move past my trauma and improve my quality of life, which they have done and continue to do. To me this weekly exchange constitutes a relationship. I would not give anyone the power to pathologize my behavior, unless I ask for their help on a behavior that I already consider to be pathological. That is bad therapy. If it has been your experience, I am sorry.

I was following this thread.

It is making me aggravated. I apologize.

My counselor is out of town and tonight would have been my time to meet with him.

This is truth.

I find comfort and safety when I meet with him.

Period. End of story.

He's not trying to jack with my mind and I don't think I have a more appropriate relationship than what is offered for my healing.

I've never known a safe place. I've never know a place that I can share how I feel and what I think without repercussions coming from it.

It's a safe place.

Do I miss him?

I miss the safe place to speak and share my thoughts. I miss his guidance and his help that he offers me to work through it.

I am in a hard place, trying to keep it at bay until next week.

He has told me before that he is a resource for my healing. I thank him greatly for that. I do have feelings of gratitude for that.

Please forgive me if my response was thought to be inappropriate.

It is my true feelings.

Most of the skills therapists are alleged to possess are very murky and vague things like empathy and patience and ability to listen, which are more like character traits that anyone can possess, and which cannot be demonstrated tangibly, like playing the piano for fixing a car.

Most therapists seem to have no particular expertise. They imply that they are experts in living but that's pretty unlikely.

If a therapist says "I think you have a personality disorder", whether you wanted them to say that or not, you will be stuck with that stigma for life, even if you disagree with it. That is a power that does not exist in teaching or mentor relationships, or any other.

I do agree with your last paragraph. I don't set much store in diagnoses for this reason (abd luckily my Ts tend not to emphasise it) But I also think having a label can help one organize support and a treatment approach-- for instance I was able to come here and find a board full of people with one of my (quite rare) conditions-- previously I had never met another person with my experiences. Anyway my opinion on dx stigma is neither here nor there on this particular thread topic.

Empathetic listening is definitely a learned skill and not a character trait. As a veterinarian I've gone to continuing education on it. "How to listen so clients feel heard" etc. It's actually a really important skill. Most of delivering bad news or walking people through putting a beloved pet to sleep is listening , not talking.
My T does CE for nurses and doctors on how to listen empathically while still communicating crucial information.
Like any skill it comes naturally to some and not at all to others.
Likewise experiencing others pain with them without absorbing the pain emotionally is a learned skill. Also one lots of veterinarians do continuing education on. This is something I am naturally good at . But i had to get my technician CE on it because she was burning out on other people's pain and loss.
People dismiss these skills if it's not something they have to do as part of their job. It's a LOT harder than people think. I just euthanized an elderly woman's 37 year old horse. She has had him since he was a baby. Her husband passed away 2 years ago. She's known the horse nearly as long as her husband, and since her husband has been gone he is her best friend. I have to give room for all that grief to pour out so she can make the decision to let the horse go ( he had an excruciatingly painful bowel obstruction and was not a surgical candidate ). Without actually being devastated myself.

These are real skills. Being able to talk to people ibwould actually rate as harder than doing surgery, reading xrays, or any of the "hard" technical skills of my job.

I have never met anyone who could talk to me well. I wish they just would not bother trying. It is painful to endure having it done at me. Any therapist's attempts at doing empathy at me has been absolutely horrible.
I don't believe it is something those therapists find as trying as other professions might. I don't find it all that hard in my profession and I have to tell students and clients bad things all the time. I don't really have that hard of a time not absorbing it.

Lol. Perhaps you are naturally good at not absorbing! I am but in a different way I think since I have to semi consciously create a mental barrier inside myself. I am NOT good at not absorbing animal suffering and i have to work much harder to not pull that into myself. I think it is true Ts must tolerate talking and listening better than many others. Like many veterinarians I know, it was not until after I had already graduated that i really started to understand that all the animals came with humans attached to them, and I needed to talk to those humans yo get the animals appropriate care. I did not become a veterinarian because I wanted to talk to humans. So for me it's pretty tough work.

I find the talking to clients not my favorite part - but the not absorbing is pretty natural. For me - I am quite clear on what is and is not mine to absorb. But I don't do animal law because I am not nearly as good about it with animals. Putting my own animals down is never fun, but as I am a great believer in not suffering - I focus on that part - dead is better than suffering in my opinion.

My T actually once said to me "why are you apologizing for your intense feelings?? Do you think I became a therapist because I hate dealing with people"s feelings?? This is my thing!"

Then we see it very differently. I see those guys as professional liars, trained in manipulation and deception.

Ok, I agree focused or active listening is a skill that can be developed.

Is there some other skill that therapists generally possess? I don't think empathy is a skill. I think one can develop the ability to feign it, but not feel it.

So are therapists paid listeners? Is that what the client is paying for? Other teachers/tutors/professionals can demonstrate a tangible skill. You know exactly what you are paying for.

OP is questioning whether her therapist is providing anything of value in return for taking her money and trust, and for causing her anguish. People are arguing that what is or should be coming back is some sort of expertise. What is the expertise? Be specific.

If everyone acknowledged that seeing a therapist amounts to hiring a paid confidante or friend, maybe fewer people would be harmed or ripped off. Transparency and all that.

Also, all these analogies with other professions/practices don't hold up to basic scrutiny. Therapy is markedly different from anything you can name, in very obvious ways. This also needs to be acknowledged. I see so much gaslighting around this.

My h has been telling me for the past 6-8 months or longer that I've been paying t to be a friend. i used to think it was because he just wanted me to stop. now i think he was right. and that hurts. he says "i know she helped you a lot for a long time, but she isn't helping you anymore, she's become a paid friend instead." that hurts that i didn't see it, and it hurts also that she would let that happen. it ain't cheap, i pay 100% out of pocket. so why is this breaking away from her so damn hard and painful?!

Wow!! My soon-to-be ex-hubby said the exact same thing. Same words and all. I argued with him about it and told him he was wrong (at the time). He had examples and said he saw more progress earlier on, but I had stalled out. He questioned why I couldn't go to another therapist w/a different perspective to get me to work on another aspect of myself. I guess I just didn't wanna leave her...

When former therapist and I argued, it felt like I was arguing with a friend who hurt me w/her words. She reacted (seemingly) in the same way. I told her as much in my termination letter to her. And I and certainly identify with you in how painful it is. I've finally been able to cry today. It feels like a really bad, heartbreaking break-up.

I've been tempted to look at her business facebook page or related instagram account, but I can't look. Too painful. I don't wanna poke at the scab...just wanna let it heal.

Interesting that they both said the same thing. Thanks for sharing that. All of what you've shared. It does help knowing I'm not alone in this.

It has been aggravating to me as well. And you said all of this eloquently. Nothing inappropriate at all. What IS inappropriate is the people who are so damn negative about therapy/therapists in every single post. I have to wonder then why the hell they go to therapy. If every therapist is so fake, and just an actor, why do you spend your money on it? It's just hypocritical BS. You hate it THAT much? Don't go. Don't post continuous negativity, just move on. Anyway, rant over.

My T is a wonderful person and I do miss my time with him if scheduling gets messed up. I am not attached to him however. I, too, have never had a safe space and he provides that. I don't pay him to care (although he does), I pay him to provide guidance and help me navigate very difficult and traumatic situations. I've learned a lot from him and I am thankful for his experience and expertise.

That's interesting about the paid friends perspective. You all must have some really awesome friends because mine have told me to go get help, that I am beyond anything they can help with. Unlike my friends, the therapist I see doesn't send me away and is actually very helpful in finding ways to deal with things my "friends" have no clue about--gender and sexuality issues to name just a couple.

I don't see them as paid friends either. I think uses for them can change.
But of course, I like my friends and I don't think the therapist would be someone I would become friends with -so there is that.

In response to other suggestions:
Just because someone does not use a therapist in the way that others do or love them or even respect them - that does not mean one cannot find a use for them. I dislike them but get information that I find useful when I hire them about therapists - I do spend part of my time suing them for clients. That I believe they are acting is actually not, from my perspective, necessarily a bad thing - just how I see them. My perspective on therapists has no bearing on anyone else - if you don't agree with me about that profession - that is fine and my belief does not mean you can't have your own about them. I pay the woman to stay back, not to care or if she does -to not burden me with it, and to not have a stake in anything I do. Any other client can pay the one they hire for what ever they want. Also - the woman has been told, on a regular basis, what I think about her profession and what I think about what she does.
Also - there is the ignore feature which can be useful to avoid those one finds upsetting.

Anytime I get triggered, I ask myself "why." It's not so much the other person's perspective, because we all have them, as to why it's bothering me. I find that there is opportunity to delve deeper.

As far as the paid friend, it's not something I'd ever do again. Makes it for a muddy exchange.

That's a great way to heal...delving deeper and to keep asking why. Kudos for doing that! I'm learning how to do that myself.

I went through the same situation with my second T...paying her for her "friendship." She initiated the friendship after knowing me for a month. Then my sessions became about her, hence me paying to be her friend. I did get my bank involved and issued chargebacks for every session that she made about her. I got a ton of money back. I reported her to the licensing board in hopes that she will never be allowed to do this to someone else. I'm now with a male T who is helping me so much. He knows everything Disaster 2 did/does and he is great about keeping boundaries. I need that after Disasters 1 & 2. You should never have to pay for a friendship. I've read a lot of your posts and you seem quite lovely...I'm sure there are a lot of people who will be your friend for free.

I used to be majorly triggered with abandonment fears between sessions or vacations. It was quite excruciating. I have learned to trust my T more, and myself I guess, and although I voluntarily missed a session last week, I absolutely missed him but I wasn't triggered.

As you will see from my signature line, telling me what to do -- as in "move on" -- is not something which I find supportive. On the other hand I do find it supportive if someone wants to express a view different from mine or to tell me how I come across to them.

Therefore, just as a matter of information, I wonder if you might find it informative to hear that I find your judgment about what is appropriate and what is not to be very judgmental and, therefore in my view, not supportive.

People can go back and forth and on and on about these things and that's not what I'm interested in or trying to do. Who knows, or gets to decide, what is appropriate and what is not? We may all have differing opinions on some things and a similar opinion about others. In this case, I disagree with you and I do NOT think that "the people who are so damn negative about therapy/therapists in every single post" are inappropriate necessarily. In addition, I do not think that the people themselves are "inappropriate" anyway. How CAN a person be 'inappropriate"? Though their behavior might be sometimes.

Sounds like you got triggered by the negativity, maybe, while I get triggered by the judgmentalism?

Hmm. . .I wonder what I can learn about myself when I get triggered like this. . .

Anyway, my rant is over now, too.

I think the other side of the 'paid friend' issue (which I personally find to be a rather trite and not terribly insightful statement to make -- there are far more interesting and nuanced issues that one could take with the construct of therapy) is that one can assume that most folks (not all) wouldn't be going to therapy if the therapist wasn't being well, therapist-y i.e., not subjecting one to the "real" emotions (anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment and all that goods stuff) that other non-paid friends (that presumably one has) would be subjecting one to.

So, sure the therapist wouldn't be there if they weren't getting paid (most therapists anyway). But, conversely, the client wouldn't be there if the therapist was not being well, a therapist i.e., being a 'real' person.

I find the whole argument then to be basically pointless and intrinsically flawed but I'll stop here.

I am only there because the therapist is not, in my opinion, being a real person. I am there because to me the therapist is not real.

you guys, i'm sorry i ever mentioned the paid friend thing that my husband said. let's blame all of this argumenting on him.