[here today]

I was very moved by a post on another thread that mentioned hatred of the therapist and what that might mean at a deeper, not-fully-realized level.

I can definitely, consciously hate my last therapist. And my sister, who was unkind to me in recent years. And the extended family of origin and the members of it, in kind of general terms, headed by my mother’s mother.

But hating my mother, personally? No – it might hurt her. Or something, even though she has been dead almost 4 years.

It WAS progress for me, I think, that I hated my last therapist and DID feel a wish to hurt her – normally that feeling and impulse-system is shut down in me, although I do sometimes act in ways that hurt other people – it’s just not usually part of a conscious intention.

The wish to “hurt” her led to me to contacting her and to ask for a partial refund. We have been in occasional email and snail mail contact since then, and may – or may not – be close to working something out where I can continue the therapy and “continue” a development process that I believe was stymied in my childhood.

I’m guessing this development process will have to include, in some way, a personal hatred toward my late mother – whom I also loved and adored in some ways. The love and adoring was the only attitude allowed by the “matriarchal” cultural value system I lived in.

That system is gone. Most of the people are gone. And in some ways I’m still stuck in it.

Still trying to get out, more or less. Looking for something “better” and worth getting out for.

I guess I have to at some point accept how I hate my mother and was hurt, mostly unintentionally, by her. She is gone. She will never love me the way I needed. I hate her but love(d) her, too. Very hard to deal with.

[CantExplain]

Many patients (including me) hate their therapists at some point in the relationship. It is usually transference: hatred looking for a target and T being available. If you talk it through, it can be very healing.

[here today]

Thanks. I guess I didn't explain very well. I didn't exactly FEEL the hate. I could be "in that place" and, as I have written in other posts, the therapists couldn't tolerate being hated. But I could also keep it turned off, dissociated, as I learned to do as a child. So those were my options -- allow it "on" and risk "hurting" the therapist and her rejection/shaming me. Or "behaving myself" and staying stuck. In which case, what's the point of my spending my money on therapy?

I have worked through a lot of that on my own, with the help of PsychCentral and another in-person support group.

I've been in therapy on and off for 50 years. I understood intellectually about negative transference. But because of my dissociation I could "step out" of or cut off the transference. I understand that may make no sense to most people.

In the post that moved me to respond, the person wrote about her knowing both the adult part of herself and the (child) part that hated her therapist. My parts were more separate. And the challenge was, and is, to accept the child part that hates. But when therapists (reactively) hate and reject the child part that hates, as my last therapist (and others) did, it is retraumatizing and hurtful, not healing.

Nevertheless there is/was also something in me that continues to want something better, that wants recognition and acceptance as a human being, that even wants to contribute to the larger whole of human society, and that other post struck something in me, like a chord.

Thanks for you reply and thanks to others for your "hugs". Hatred is a human emotion. There's a reason that we have it. A lot of my processing over the last year is to try to understand its "purpose", why I (and most everybody) have it, what survival function it is there for. Especially in times like now in the U.S., we tend to "hate the haters". And maybe that's OK socially when we're talking about adults and what they do with their hate.

But -- I've had to accept my own hatred, on my own, without my therapist's help or that of anybody else. I've used what I had -- my rationality. Others may use other things -- art or poetry for instance.

Having an accepting community, somewhere, in some way, has been essential for me. The last therapist (and others) have not been.

[BudFox]

Couldn't hating the therapist have something to do with hating the therapist, or at least what they are subjecting you to?

[DP_2017]

Hate is a strong word. I don't like using it much.

I do not hate my therapist and I doubt I ever would. Takes a lot for me to hate a person. Dislike sure but not hate.

I've only been annoyed with him at times though, otherwise I am grateful he is awesome and I'm happy there.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Couldn't hating the therapist have something to do with hating the therapist, or at least what they are subjecting you to?

Yep. We talked about that in the other thread: https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...attack-me.html

Here Today - Thank you for sharing!

[here today]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Couldn't hating the therapist have something to do with hating the therapist, or at least what they are subjecting you to?

Yes. And that IS what happened with my last therapist, to a large extent.

"My" issue going into the last therapy (and others), though, was that just my feeling of hatred was cut off or messed up or something. And also I almost NEVER felt a wish for revenge or to hurt someone else. (Hurting myself, especially beating myself up emotionally -- well, that's another story entirely.)

So when the hate was evoked in the therapy, it was intense and not "integrated". I could contain it pretty well, but not talk about it as a feeling. But, as I understand trauma theory and certainly as it seems to apply to my experience, I needed to have a situation in which it was evoked in order to experience and, eventually, to process it into something where I can just say "I hate my last therapist" and "I (sadly) hated my late mother sometimes in addition to (confusingly) loving her sometimes."

Maybe something like EMDR could have evoked it without transference, I don't know. I'm pretty done with therapy and I don't see any need to try that now, though.

[here today]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Hate is a strong word. I don't like using it much.

I do not hate my therapist and I doubt I ever would. Takes a lot for me to hate a person. Dislike sure but not hate.

I've only been annoyed with him at times though, otherwise I am grateful he is awesome and I'm happy there.

Thanks for replying.

I'm not sure that you will like hearing this but I could have said the same thing 5 years ago.

[Anastasia~]

although I do sometimes act in ways that hurt other people – it’s just not usually part of a conscious intention.

I think I might do this sometimes but if so, it is like you say, not part of a conscious intention. It is not until later that I think, wait, why did I say/do this? It's kind of eerie when one is suspect of possible unconscious content entering the picture under a different guise.

But hating my mother, personally? No – it might hurt her

Yes, I get this. Anger, also, I think I suppressed (or whatever word is right) a lot of my anger that months ago started to emerge.

Thanks for bringing these points up.

[dlantern]

It is okay to allow yourself off the hook and hate the therapist. In fact, it is normal they can barely handle presenting problems let along if you share everything.