Blame

I've been thinking a lot about my horrific experience with therapy and psychiatry that occurred during my late adolescence, lately. I realized it was more than misdiagnosis. I was blamed for my problems, because the professionals thought it was due to mother issues and repressed sexual abuse. I wasn't the only one that felted blamed. My mother felt the same way. How was this supposed to help me? Is this what psychotherapy is supposed to be all about? If so, no wonder some people are hurt by therapy.

That's true

I agree and many different types of therapy focus on different things. Gestalt therapy is big in self responsibility and this can be done in a good gentle way but some therapist bulldoze on and go straight for the jugular. It didn't help you and made you feel worse, like I felt with my t at times when I said my life was crap, she would say yes it is and your choices have got you there, that never helped. Blame never helps. I am sorry you were treated like that.

Thanks, didgee. I experienced a culture of fault-finding and blame, too. But that was very common in my family and culture of origin so it was very hard for me to "see" -- I had a bunch of defense mechanisms and denial, I suppose. Not sure what it was, but it sure worked with the therapy culture to keep me blaming and fault-finding in myself, as if, if I could find all the faults, then I -- in "alliance" with the therapist -- could fix them. Sounds "good" and noble and idealistic and scientific, doesn't it? I sure thought so. Super sucks.

Thank you for replying.

I agree that our choices influence our life, but they are not the sole reason for the outcome. There are definitely many other reasons, some of which are beyond our control.

I'm not a particularly emotional person, nor do I bond easily with people. For years I thought it was wrong to be this way, because this is what the professionals always wanted to fix. When they told me my personality was messed up, it made me feel worse, that I was scum, not worth helping. Now, I know it was wrong. It took years to realize that, and only after I concluded, I was drawn more to things than people. This is how I am.

I'm not very good at therapy, probably because I am not really into exploring my emotions and why I feel them. I find people really hard to understand. The only good thing I have gotten from therapy besides healing is improved social skills, but only because it was ASD specific.

I don't really understand the process.

I see a psychiatrist, who does therapy, approximately once a month. She has helped me a lot, but not like the individual who trained me. He introduced me to an entire new world that allowed the real me to come out and use my gifts, that no one outside of my family has ever appreciated. I have learned a lot more about myself through work than by talking to someone for 50 minutes.

I'm not sure about scientific, because most therapy theories seems to overlook environment and genetics. The seem to focus more on all of us being with the same temperament. Such BS.

Therapy should be customized. The generalized approach doesn't seem to help people with different cognitive styles very well.

I do not have ASD. A therapist once told me, somewhat disparagingly, that I was Asperger-y. As a reason why most people (like her) might not like to talk to me. But I talked before I walked, so ASD should be ruled out from that.

I DO have a math and science temperament, though, and majored in math. I experienced trauma in a hospital when I was 3 and that may have been an important part of the process of me disconnecting from some emotions. When I came across the “Aspie criteria” several years ago I thought it sounded great. My late husband was an introvert and a science nerd, too, and we both seemed to naturally have this value system. I wonder if it might be a common, natural way of life for some people other than those with Asperger's? Like, Asperger's can predispose to this way of life but other people can live it out, too? And if those of us like this were in the majority, how might things be different?

Tony Attwood - Author of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome

It would be understandable if conventional, sociable women were frequently drawn to the “helping professions”. But being scientific-oriented I assumed that therapists and therapy would be, too, even though that might not be their main strength. How is that different from therapists assuming that I would be like them? They were the professionals! And psychotherapy is promoted as scientific. What a joke on me! Nevertheless I continue to believe that therapy could be a lot better for a lot of people if it did take a more scientific approach somewhere. We sciency nerds and geeks might have something to contribute to the social sciences, too. Wouldn’t that be a surprise!

What do you mean?

I've noticed people with ASD struggle because they are either too reserved or too outgoing. The ones who are more in the middle seem to have a bit of an easier time.

I think it's common. I've found people like that in university (sciences) and in some of the trades. They have ASD traits, just not the social difficulties. The master I work with is one. A toolmaker I know is another. These people are easily to converse and get along with, because there is a common interest.

It isn't different. Obviously it is due cognitive style. People oriented to people vs people oriented to things. Unfortunately we are a minority, with leads to a lot of misunderstanding.

I’ve never been tested for ASD, no one has ever suggested it, and I don’t think I have it – in addition to no problems with language I didn’t have social problems in elementary school. I did in high school, after a molestation attempt by my uncle at 13 and subsequently developing anorexia nervosa, for which I as hospitalized for 11 months and I came back a former “mental patient’ and socially weird at that point.

Nevertheless, because of what I believe is my innate temperament PLUS the traumas which led to disconnection from some emotions I feel like I have the “autistic” orientation to life described in the Aspie criteria article.

One of the major differences I discovered between between me and my last therapist is that I am not "cliquish". I want to feel that I belong but I am not oriented toward looking for my "group". So it seems to have meant that a lot of social behavior and reactions and impulses that other people take for granted I don't really understand very well. I think I COULD, though, because I'm probably neurotypical, but nobody has ever tried to "teach" or help or tutor me. And without something like that, or some feedback, I'm just lost.

I looked into non-pathological personality differences more than 30 years ago, when my late husband was still alive, and I wasn’t so “mentally ill” and out of things, and came across the Myers-Briggs personality inventory. That focuses on cognitive style, too, and it helped me understand people’s differences just as differences.

However, the psychology establishment doesn’t recognize the MBTI or even the general idea of differences in cognitive style as having anything legitimate or useful to offer in the usual psychotherapy practice.

But there are some definite drawbacks to the conventional or what MBTI might call an extroverted or feeling orientation toward life, too. As you pointed out, it seems that that a tendency toward making social judgments and ascribing blame (instead of looking for impersonal “cause” as I prefer) is one of them.

This could be something interesting to study, if there were any support for it. But the people/social reality seems to be that there isn’t.

"I'm not sure about scientific, because most therapy theories seems to overlook environment and genetics. The seem to focus more on all of us being with the same temperament. Such BS. ...Therapy should be customized. The generalized approach doesn't seem to help people with different cognitive styles very well." I agree!

Responding to Here Today: "... I DO have a math and science temperament, though, and majored in math. ... My late husband was an introvert and a science nerd, too, and we both seemed to naturally have this value system. I wonder if it might be a common, natural way of life for some people other than those with Asperger's? Like, Asperger's can predispose to this way of life but other people can live it out, too?" Some possible evidence for this: there are some "tests" that have been devised to try to help detect if people are on the autism spectrum. One of them (I believe it's called something like "systems thinking") comes with a caveat that people on the autism spectrum usually get a score on the "test" above a certain level -- but that lots of people in STEM fields score above that level also. "... being scientific-oriented I assumed that therapists and therapy would be [scientific], too, even though that might not be their main strength." I assumed this, too, but found that it was far from the case. "And psychotherapy is promoted as scientific. What a joke on me! Nevertheless I continue to believe that therapy could be a lot better for a lot of people if it did take a more scientific approach somewhere. We sciency nerds and geeks might have something to contribute to the social sciences, too." I agree!

Sometimes I wonder about my diagnosis and whether it's helped or hindered me. I have had friends with situations similar to yours. One had a parent die in his youth and therapists always overemphasized this absence as the source of his problems. Psychiatry, psychology, therapy - they're cultures, institutions and can be corrupted like any other. But a tool can't be blamed for the way one person uses it, right? But I have done so, there should be a word for it, it's so common. The patient blaming the doctor for the illness, the practice has been scrutinized since it was founded for good and bad reasons.