Fantasizing about running into former t in regular life...

and I am always this meek person, crying my eyes out in front of her, blubbering my feelings to her (in these scenarios that I conjure up in my head).

I would NEVER be like this w/anyone else in my life. I'd never want to be subservient...except to someone I have an attachment to.

I usually have these fantasy scenarios with the women in my life who I'm newly attached to and have hurt me- and I've usually walked away from. I kowtow to them and now this includes my ex-therapist. Even if they were mean to me and I had every right to walk away (which my gut usually tells me to do), I always fantasize about this type of emotional exchange after the fact.

I think about running into her and having this emotional exchange, putting all of my cards on the table and crying profusely. I don't really have an ending to this scenario in my head, but I'm sure it involves us resolving our differences amicably.

This isn't realistic. I don't really wanna run into her and when I'm out of my trance, the thought of seeing her kinda makes my stomach turn.

I'd stand up to anyone else. Get angry at anyone else for what she did, but when it comes to her and my attachment, I'm constantly questioning if I have the right to be angry at my former therapist and wonder if I'm being overly sensitive or "too much."

Does anyone else do this? Bow down to the attachment figures in their life? Can anyone identify with what I'm saying. I don't know why I want her to perceive me as weak, when I wouldn't behave that way for anyone else.

Calilady--
Attachment can be so confusing. I have a preoccupied attachment although it is better than it used to be. I'll tell you how I would interpret this by I know this is coming from my point of view so it may not even come close to your reasons. I used to go home from therapy frequently and think of everything I said and pick it apart and I would perseverate over possible things I might have said that might cause a rupture in the relationship. I wonder if maybe you don't want her to be angry with you as that could possibly sever the connection and cause her to leave? Maybe she is/was very important to you (like a parent). So possibly you don't want her necessarily to see you as weak (maybe you dislike that you perceive yourself as weak) but maybe this relationship was more like a parent/child relationship. I have no idea if this is anywhere near correct but thought I'd try to help, and sorry if I didn't

I have experienced this, being very subservient to people who have hurt or mistreated me.

Possible reasons I have wondered about:
1. Seeing relationships as a game or power struggle. If the other person comes out less hurt then in a way they have "won", and that can make them seem to us very powerful and admirable in a twisted way.
2. A minor version of Stockholm Syndrome, in which someone hurts us and out of fear we become overly attached to them and ridiculously grateful for small kindnesses.
3. If you are very angry with someone, but you not a person who is able to naturally express anger , then the anger comes out in strange ways such as being overly nice to the person. I think there is a therapy term for this kind of phenomenon but I'm not sure what it is.

I think for me its a bit of a mixture of those three.