[retro_chic]

So obvious trigger warning for this post.

Yesterday in my session with T I finally told her about my suicidal thoughts. T was talking about how there is something blocking me for exploring my feelings and understanding myself more and I told that I think that a big reason for that is because whenever I try to figure a way out of my current situation I get too overwhelmed and can't think of a solution so my brain is just like "maybe you should just kill yourself". I know that is a terrible option and I don't think I really want to die and yet this thought pops into my head on a daily basis. T was very understanding about it all and said that I have never really had a safe place to explore myself so instead of it happening gradually over two and half decades its all happening at once which would be very overwhelming.

This whole conversation took place about 10 mins before the end of the session so there is still a lot more to discuss. T asked if I felt safe finishing there and continuing next week. I said yes which is true, I am not in any danger to myself but I just feel so unsettled and needy now. Like I really want to email T but I have no idea what I actually want from her and she doesn't really encourage emailing between session anyway.

[zoiecat]

I understand that was a heavy subject to get into in the last 10 minutes maybe try journaling and figuring out exactly why you have those feelings or what you want to do about it so that when your next session comes you'll have all your thoughts together and and can have a productive discussion on the topic also remember we're all here for you

[coolibrarian]

I read once (and I believe) that some people with S ideation don't really want to die; they want their pain to stop. Of course, if they S, all possible joy stops, too.

Can you try journaling, instead of emailing your T?

[StickyTwig]

Could you try writing an imaginary email that T would send to you, that may help clarify to you what you want from her.

[retro_chic]

Thank you all for your replies, I will try journalling my thoughts. I hadn't thought of writing an imaginary email that T would send me but I like that idea.

On another topic, I am thinking of bringing my mother to one of my sessions sometime in the future because she doesn't understand me or this whole therapy process at all and I find it impossible to explain it to her. I'm hoping if she were to come to a session T could help with that. My relationship with my mother has been a frequent topic in therapy and I would like to strengthen that relationship so I don't rely on T so much. Have any of you tried bring a parent to a session?

[retro_chic]

Sorry to bump this thread but I was just wondering if anyone has anymore thoughts on this? Either about sharing S ideation or bringing a parent to session?

[Swimmersusan]

I have shared S thoughts with my T aswell! It felt good in a sense to actually be able to talk about what I was feeling, I wouldn't have told anyone else of those thoughts, and she was very good a calm which is what I needed.
However, on the times I have mentioned it and discussed it. I have left the sessions feeling very vulnerable and very needy. Which is something I really don't like feeling. It's hard to have that discussion then sit on it until next time. I also felt guilty for saying this, like I was putting too much onto her shoulders. She has said that is not the case, but still i can't help feeling maybe I shouldn't mention it so much, this tends to result in the following sessions of me trying to shut down and maybe push her away.
I'm not really sure I have any advice, but I suppose just keep being honest with your thoughts and feelings, keep exploring them, and try not to push away.

[growlycat]

My family has historically been skeptical of therapy. My mom and stepdad at one point just stopped doing family therapy. As they saw it was helping me my mom came around and went to one or two sessions with me. My stepdad never came around. Some people will just never get why therapy is important and what makes it work. I stopped caring long ago about my family's judgement about my therapy. It feels helpful and grounding and I'll do it for as long as I please. Just don't let your mom's opinion of therapy color your own. It's worth a try but don't pin your hopes on your mom really getting it.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Swimmersusan

I have shared S thoughts with my T aswell! It felt good in a sense to actually be able to talk about what I was feeling, I wouldn't have told anyone else of those thoughts, and she was very good a calm which is what I needed.
However, on the times I have mentioned it and discussed it. I have left the sessions feeling very vulnerable and very needy. Which is something I really don't like feeling. It's hard to have that discussion then sit on it until next time. I also felt guilty for saying this, like I was putting too much onto her shoulders. She has said that is not the case, but still i can't help feeling maybe I shouldn't mention it so much, this tends to result in the following sessions of me trying to shut down and maybe push her away.
I'm not really sure I have any advice, but I suppose just keep being honest with your thoughts and feelings, keep exploring them, and try not to push away.

Thank you for your reply!
I also tend to fall into a pattern of being quite open one session and totally shut down the next. I am going to try and not do that this time and continue to be open with T. She responded really well last session which I think has helped me to trust her a bit more and strengthen our relationship.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by growlycat

My family has historically been skeptical of therapy. My mom and stepdad at one point just stopped doing family therapy. As they saw it was helping me my mom came around and went to one or two sessions with me. My stepdad never came around. Some people will just never get why therapy is important and what makes it work. I stopped caring long ago about my family's judgement about my therapy. It feels helpful and grounding and I'll do it for as long as I please. Just don't let your mom's opinion of therapy color your own. It's worth a try but don't pin your hopes on your mom really getting it.

Thanks for your reply!

I think I really need to plan out with T what I actually want to get out of having my Mum come to a session. I know I can't change her but I want to be able to be more open with her. I hate feeling as though I have to defend T to my Mum and almost "pick sides". It is hard to not let her opinion affect me when she is so involved in my life.

[skeksi]

I think your desire to strengthen your relationship with your mom and have her better understand what you are experiencing means having a joint session or two with her could be very helpful. I do think you're right that you and your T would want to sort out what the purpose of the session is, what you hope to gain from it, and how you will handle the outcome (she may respond positively or negatively and I think it's helpful to plan for both).

[benzenering]

Both my counselor and my pdoc are very leery when I share that I am having suicidal thoughts as I have attempted before. For that reason, I don't tend to share that I'm having them. However, I do journal about them a lot and that tends to give them less of an impact.

I've brought parents and a sibling to counseling. They didn't get it. And, with their POV on how life works and how I'm suppose to be they ciudad never get it. What the drag-alongs were good for were they really helped my therapist see what I was up against, both in my past and present. I do recommend bringing family members in, sparingly. But, if you expects the family member to come away with understanding of your situation you may come away disappointed, but if they are astute enough to get it, you will be one of the lucky ones.