[precaryous]

I am getting along really well with my T and her staff. But something happened Friday with her receptionist that we're going to have to talk about:

I have been with this T 3 1/2 years.. We have talked about good touch and bad touch ...and sorta have this routine now of walking to the waiting room together after our appointment where we hug goodbye. I have conflicted feelings about hugging goodbye, but I like it and appreciate it more than not. She's told me it's always up to me whether we hug goodbye or not. It's not been an issue lately.

But Friday, T walked with me to the waiting room...there were maybe five other clients there waiting for their T. We hugged. Then the friendly receptionist quipped, "Hey, can I get some of that?" I know the receptionist didn't mean anything wrong by it. She was kidding. The receptionist and I are very friendly. I don't want her to get in trouble. But it triggered me all over the place. It felt like a spotlight had been turned on me. I felt embarrassed and guilty like I was caught in a room full of people doing something wrong. It was like a large 'good' intimacy bubble had burst.

I tried to joke back about it and left.

I'm going to have to ask T about it. Actually, I've already emailed her.

I think T hugs clients goodbye in the waiting room so there are witnesses to protect both of us...I mean, if it happened in her office, anyone could allege anything. Other people usually are not in the waiting room or reception because most of the time I see T on Saturdays. She hugs other clients good bye. I've seen her. But not all.

We don't touch each other in any other way. 'Touch in therapy' is an especially sensitive topic for me since I'm an therapist abuse survivor.

There are so many good, healing reasons for me to accept her motherly hugs...I'm saddened thinking maybe I should end them?

I'm not understanding why you would think this would cause you to need to end hugs. Is it possible you are overthinking this a bit?

[kecanoe]

I am sorry that your hug turned into something embarrassing. But I don't think that the receptionist commenting means that you should stop hugging. If you like the hugs-which it sounds like you do.

Makes sense that t would hug in the waiting room, especially with your past. I can see that it would feel safe to have other people around.

To me, it sounds like the friendly receptionist was just being, well, friendly. I think it is fine to ask her to not comment anymore because of your discomfort, but please don't think that her comment nor your discomfort when she commented mean that the hugs need to stop.

[precaryous]

Yes, I do overthink things.

I don't have to end hugs...im considering it. I'm trying to figure out how not to get embarrassed by them, I think.

Maybe we could if the waiting room is empty.

I'm not sure what I want, really. I've been feeling overwhelmed by several issues, lately.
I have a medical test tomorrow and a mammogram is coming up in a week or so. I'm having a lot of anxiety.

It doesn't sound like your hugs are in any way inappropriate nor is your therapist being unprofessional. Sometimes we just have to learn to accept the kindness offered us by others in our lives without negating it or qualifying it. I used to have a hard time accepting compliments. I've learned finally to just accept the compliments and say "thank you" without putting a "but" into my response or even into my thoughts. Can you find a way to accept a hug without thinking there has to be all sorts of rules about it, that you might be judged for it, and without judging yourself? I suspect the only person judging you about this is you.

[Wonderfalls]

Your receptionist said one of the stupid things we all sometimes say as a kind of joke. I wouldn't confront her; she's probably already embarrassed, depending on your reaction. Mention it to the therapist if it really bothers you, but I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

[ruh roh]

I really get this. I am aversive to any kind of touch because of the shame it evokes (old stuff that replays--am working on that in therapy). What that receptionist did was make a joke that can have sexual overtones in another context. It was a foolish thing for her to say, and it triggered a shame response. And it was, in my opinion invasive. It's actually maybe a good thing to talk about to your therapist for that reason--not so much to complain about the receptionist, but to talk about how the comment felt.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I really get this. I am aversive to any kind of touch because of the shame it evokes (old stuff that replays--am working on that in therapy). What that receptionist did was make a joke that can have sexual overtones in another context. It was a foolish thing for her to say, and it triggered a shame response. And it was, in my opinion invasive. It's actually maybe a good thing to talk about to your therapist for that reason--not so much to complain about the receptionist, but to talk about how the comment felt.

Thank you, I have been trying to figure out what made me feel bad. Like you said, it was more about her comment having sexual implications in other contexts- more than me feeling scrutinized. I think that's it, right there. I think it was a PTSD response.

I agree, it's not about complaining about the receptionist. She didn't mean any harm. It was an odd, confusing experience....odd, immediate unsafe feelings... I will talk to T about it.

T wrote back that, yes, she noticed the moment was uncomfortable for me. She said I handled the moment well, no one in the waiting room reacted.

T also agreed the receptionist didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable. It was an 'ill-timed' comment. She said she doesn't want the hug, itself, to feel uncomfortable. 'It shouldn't happen if it does.'

'I truly hope you know that you are safe at the office. That is very very important.'

We'll talk more about it when I see her next.

I feel better, thanks for all the responses. They helped me work out in my mind why I felt and acted like that.

[DP_2017]

i didn't read through all the comments but I relate to this post, my T hugs me every session end as well and i have big issues hugging him with an audience for the same reason as you, i feel I'm am doing something wrong.

we have talked it over many times, he is still doing it and its fine, i allow it but, i am still trying to work on my issues with an audience. in your case i would of been weirded out too but i sure would not stop

for me, he is the only human touch i get all week, i am kinda to a point where i look forward to it, and i know someday i wont care and ill hug him even if 10 people are watching

for sure talk to her.

[precaryous]

Me, too. It's the only human 'good' touch I normally receive. Have received enough 'bad' touch.

I read an article somewhere that good healthy hugs are supposed to be beneficial...rewiring the brain somehow. Increase oxytocin levels 'which heal feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger,' lowers blood pressure, reduces pain, fights disease, etc.
interesting.

[feileacan]

I would be very bothered by this situation. I would feel that the receptionist intrudes into the place between me and my T without being invited. I don't appreciate such fake friendliness (but I'm not from US either - I'm from a cold European country where such friendliness between (half)strangers is not norm).

My T situation is completely different. It's a private practice and there is no reception, the waiting room is only for one person and when I'm leaving I'm exiting through another door that doesn't go through the waiting room. So, when I hug with my T (it happens sometimes) it always happens in the consulting room in the privacy of two of us. I wouldn't want to share this with anyone else, neither would I want to see my T hugging someone else (I actually doubt he does).

It just seems strange to me that a receptionist in a psychotherapeutic practice is so careless with her comments. Shouldn't she know that the psychotherapy relation is a bit difference than a relationship with any other clinician? Would you actually prefer to hug your T in the consultation room? I personally don't see anything inappropriate in that.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by feileacan

I would be very bothered by this situation. I would feel that the receptionist intrudes into the place between me and my T without being invited. I don't appreciate such fake friendliness (but I'm not from US either - I'm from a cold European country where such friendliness between (half)strangers is not norm).

My T situation is completely different. It's a private practice and there is no reception, the waiting room is only for one person and when I'm leaving I'm exiting through another door that doesn't go through the waiting room. So, when I hug with my T (it happens sometimes) it always happens in the consulting room in the privacy of two of us. I wouldn't want to share this with anyone else, neither would I want to see my T hugging someone else (I actually doubt he does).

It just seems strange to me that a receptionist in a psychotherapeutic practice is so careless with her comments. Shouldn't she know that the psychotherapy relation is a bit difference than a relationship with any other clinician? Would you actually prefer to hug your T in the consultation room? I personally don't see anything inappropriate in that.

Yes, I felt intruded upon and a few other emotions. The back and forth bantering is normal for this receptionist. She chose the wrong words and time in this case.

Yes, I would rather have this contact in the consulting room. I'll talk to T about it. My guess is she hugs goodbye in the waiting room on purpose but I might be wrong.

[unaluna]

That is pretty bizarre. She treated it like getting in on a football ball betting pool or something. Group hug! Did she want this thing from t or from you? If the dr was giving out shots or lollipops, would she ask for one? I am so confused!

[captgut]

I don't think you should end them. But I understand your sadness.
I'm sure she meant nothing bad... But she should not have said that. Psychotherapy process - including hugs - is just between you and T. She shouldn't make any comments.
But - again - I'm sure she was trying to be friendly. Seems she really likes you.

If I saw my T hugging other client, I would die of jealousy...Hugging in waiting room sounds strange to me.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by unaluna

That is pretty bizarre. She treated it like getting in on a football ball betting pool or something. Group hug! Did she want this thing from t or from you? If the dr was giving out shots or lollipops, would she ask for one? I am so confused!

That gave me a giggle- imagining the receptionist calling out, "Group hug!"

TBH, im not sure if the receptionist meant she wanted the hug from T or me....

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by captgut

I don't think you should end them. But I understand your sadness.
I'm sure she meant nothing bad... But she should not have said that. Psychotherapy process - including hugs - is just between you and T. She shouldn't make any comments.
But - again - I'm sure she was trying to be friendly. Seems she really likes you.

If I saw my T hugging other client, I would die of jealousy...Hugging in waiting room sounds strange to me.

We've never discussed why this happens in the waiting room, really. I've always assumed it was for liability purposes. Maybe I'll ask to change that. She hugs other patients in the waiting room.

I was jealous,too, when I first started seeing her...when she would hug patients good bye but hadn't offered it to me. I wondered, 'What's wrong with me?" I thought it had to do with my previous bad therapy experience. We talked about it and she said it was up to me.

[StickyTwig]

The situation would upset me.
The therapy relationship is very deep and intimate, and sadly this does not mesh with the "real world" in a lot of ways. In the real world, culturally you are supposed to be casual and uncaring with most people in public, and not not feel too much for professionals. I'd say it was an unwritten social rule.
So when someone makes something lighthearted of a deep experience, it feels like I come crashing back down to Earth, and that I have made a terrible social blunder that everyone can see. Theres a lot of feelings of shame there.
So I relate to your feelings, but I would also say don't worry too much as I doubt anyone else in the room made anything of it!