[labelledame86]

Hello,

I am new to these forums, although I have lurked for awhile to gain perspective and input. I have been seeing my current therapist for about 6 months now, and I generally think he's been very helpful to me. However, I've started to feel like I am too attached to him. I really, really like him and I wish that we could at least be friends. Sometimes I feel he is sort of like a cool dad, other times I feel almost like a romantic love.

In any case, I've started to feel bad if he doesn't respond to my texts or emails right away. Although, I know he prefers to chat on the phone and has even called me on weekend nights when I am having a crisis, which I appreciated. And, I'm even a bit jealous of his other clients, thinking he likes them more or something. I feel like he has started to withdraw or act a bit detached now, maybe that he sees I'm becoming attached to him and it's very painful. In reference to something I said to him, he said that sounded "demanding", before he kind of corrected himself. So I think maybe he thinks I'm too demanding. Like, he doesn't seem as willing to answer emails or get into text discussions. And we never really discussed boundaries up-front, so I don't know if I'm bothering him.

But I noticed it is a pattern with other relationships that when I start to get attached to someone I always think they probably secretly hate me if they don't respond right of way. Or that they don't want to talk to me and start to back off when I start needing them. So, what are some strategies to break this pattern and relieve some of my anxiety when T doesn't respond? It's really hard to contain my emotions when I only see him once per week and it's hard to focus on other things that I need to be doing when I'm worried about waiting on a response. I tend to get somewhat obsessive over it. But, if he does respond it makes my day.

Thank you for reading!

[zoiecat]

The best thing to do would be to talk to your therapist about this. On the other hand from what I've observed from these forums is that outside contact seems to perpetuate these types of feelings and neediness. I know many people like the outside contact but they don't seem to see that it only causes them more stress when they don't get the immediate responses that they're looking for, or the therapist starts to tighten the boundaries as a result of it. I have absolutely no attachment to my therapist which is the opposite problem but I can see myself leaning your way if I was allowed constant outside contact. Since I don't contact him outside ever except for scheduling issues I don't have that problem to worry about. I am in no way blaming you but I feel a lot of therapists from my experience of reading this forum don't realize what they start with clients when they allow all of the outside contact. Therapist job is to give you the tools to help yourself but money for whatever reason same to Foster dependence on them which is not ethical.

[wheeler]

I would agree that having this conversation with your T is your best course of action. You are 'making up' his reasons for responding/ not responding and for me, I am typically way off base. Contact out of session has been very helpful to me, but once again it needs to be discussed and agreed upon.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

The best thing to do would be to talk to your therapist about this. On the other hand from what I've observed from these forums is that outside contact seems to perpetuate these types of feelings and neediness. I know many people like the outside contact but they don't seem to see that it only causes them more stress when they don't get the immediate responses that they're looking for, or the therapist starts to tighten the boundaries as a result of it. I have absolutely no attachment to my therapist which is the opposite problem but I can see myself leaning your way if I was allowed constant outside contact. Since I don't contact him outside ever except for scheduling issues I don't have that problem to worry about. I am in no way blaming you but I feel a lot of therapists from my experience of reading this forum don't realize what they start with clients when they allow all of the outside contact. Therapist job is to give you the tools to help yourself but money for whatever reason same to Foster dependence on them which is not ethical.

Completely agree with all of this.
Outside contact with my ex therapist didn't help me at all: in fact it fed my obsession about her.
I agree that a lot of therapists are completely in over their head when they offer outside contact to their clients. When the client starts to obsess about the therapist (which seems to happen quite often) and starts to email/call a lot, the therapist realizes this is too much for them and they tighten their boundaries.
And of course the client gets hurt.
Imo outside contact should be strictly defined from the get go.
But in the case of the OP I don't see any solution because they've been used to a lot of outside contact and if/when the therapist decides to change the rules, it will inevitably hurt.

[DP_2017]

I feel very similar to you OP, I obsess when ANYONE I feel matters to me doesn't reply to something I've sent...I assume its my fault

My T does allow texting and email as well but I've made my own boundaries on it. Like I wont email more than 1x a week unless he asks for something. (I have actually gone almost 3 weeks with no email even) and I text but no more than 2x a week and it's usually brief like about if I am still coming to session or not etc.

I know if I was doing it often either one, my obsessive thoughts would get worse even though he has no limits on them for me.

It's hard but just try journalling or finding another way to clear your mind of it, like tv or talking to a friend etc... usually when there is no answer form my T, which is rare but it scares me, it ends up being a good reason when we discuss it.

If you need the reassurance it's ok to still email/text as often as you do, ask. If you need to know if you are becoming "too much" ask. I do often and he has no problem reassuring me

Good luck

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by wheeler

I would agree that having this conversation with your T is your best course of action. You are 'making up' his reasons for responding/ not responding and for me, I am typically way off base. Contact out of session has been very helpful to me, but once again it needs to be discussed and agreed upon.

I agree with this. Talk about how you're feeling and ask your T why he allows outside contact and what is going on when he doesn't respond. My T allows me to call her when I need to, and she said that she thinks it's important for me to learn to turn to people for support and believe that I'm worth their help. She also says that she wants to be there for me. (We have had this conversation like a million times lol.) Sometimes it takes her several hours to call back after I leave a message, and in the meantime I usually start to feel worried and assume she's annoyed with me. But then her reason for taking a while is always perfectly reasonable and has nothing to do with me. I can see where that experience of her not being perfectly responsive but still caring mirrors other relationships and will help me trust more without assuming I'm being a bother.

That said, I don't think every T works that way, so you should talk about how you're feeling and ask what your T is thinking. I have gone through periods of feeling obsessive about my T, but that is going away as I start to get better. I think outside contact has been really important to my therapy, and my T has been really clear that it's okay to ask for and that we will discuss boundary issues when/if they come up.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by labelledame86

It's really hard to contain my emotions when I only see him once per week and it's hard to focus on other things that I need to be doing when I'm worried about waiting on a response. I tend to get somewhat obsessive over it. But, if he does respond it makes my day.

We are wired to have physical and emotional proximity to attachment figures. If this is prevented, emotional dysregulation is the result. I only realized after the fact that therapy was traumatizing me because of this. Also, seems to me feeling better when the therapist responds is a sign of emotional dependency. Also seems the game is that when a client starts getting too needy, the therapist will throw up "boundaries" and this usually causes the client terrible shame. I don't have any advice, but it helped me to recognize the situation as it was.

[AllHeart]

Maybe it would be helpful to iron out the boundaries around out of session contact with your t so you can give yourself some thought relief. Setting clear boundaries can help limit worrying thoughts about responses, and also give you a guideline for initiating contact so you don't feel like you are a bother. Also, when I say setting clear boundaries, make sure you set your boundaries with your t as well.