Not working out with new T yet again and scared of choosing a new T

objectclient · Sep 04, 2017, 01:26 PM

Hey, I know it's been a long time since I last posted so for those of you that won't know or can't remember the background story to this, I'll just give a quick summary first of all.

I had been searching for a new T after ex-T (who I'll refer to as 'M' and who I'd see for 3 years) rejected me as a returning client, despite her saying that I was welcome to return at a future date if needed.

Following this rejection, which hurt me pretty badly, the first T I came across in my search for a new T was a humanistic/person-centered T (I'll call this T 'F'), who had connections to M. I saw F for a few weeks before terminating after deciding that I wasn't going to get anywhere with this T. I couldn't work it out, either we just didn't 'click' or the humanistic model of therapy wasn't right for me. Added to that, the fact that M and F had connections added unnecessary complications to the relationship and I decided I was better off out.

Feeling better having made a clean break from M, I went in search of another T and came across my current T who I'll call W. Initially, I felt really positive about this T, however as the weeks went on I realized W was spending half the session talking about themselves, recounting personal anecdotes from their past that at best, were only half relevant to my issues. W also brings many of their own opinions to sessions about various topics, including my diagnoses and past treatment. This places W at odds with my ex Ts, Pdocs, etc. It feels as though W is almost trying to undermine the work I have done thus far in therapy, and the importance I had placed on getting an accurate diagnosis which helps me to understand why I am the way I am. In W's opinion, it is just me searching for validation.

I have decided that I don't need these qualities in a T and once again, I am looking for a new T but every time I do, I'm so afraid of picking the wrong one due to negative experiences with the last Ts and worse of all, I'm terrified of getting a new T that I will get attached to in the same way I was attached to M. Perhaps that's why I chose F and W, because I instinctively knew that there was no danger of becoming attached to them but coincidentally, neither has been right for me.

After being harmed by therapy in the past, I vowed never to go back to it again but six months in, I realized that I wasn't recovering and there was so much stuff left unresolved. Furthermore, I have recently realized that almost 2 years after terminating with M, I am still not over the attachment!

I don't know what I'm asking...I guess I'm looking for advice and reassurance from people who understand what it's like to go through therapy.

Mouse007 · Sep 04, 2017, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by objectclient

Hey, I know it's been a long time since I last posted so for those of you that won't know or can't remember the background story to this, I'll just give a quick summary first of all.

I had been searching for a new T after ex-T (who I'll refer to as 'M' and who I'd see for 3 years) rejected me as a returning client, despite her saying that I was welcome to return at a future date if needed.

Following this rejection, which hurt me pretty badly, the first T I came across in my search for a new T was a humanistic/person-centered T (I'll call this T 'F'), who had connections to M. I saw F for a few weeks before terminating after deciding that I wasn't going to get anywhere with this T. I couldn't work it out, either we just didn't 'click' or the humanistic model of therapy wasn't right for me. Added to that, the fact that M and F had connections added unnecessary complications to the relationship and I decided I was better off out.

Feeling better having made a clean break from M, I went in search of another T and came across my current T who I'll call W. Initially, I felt really positive about this T, however as the weeks went on I realized W was spending half the session talking about themselves, recounting personal anecdotes from their past that at best, were only half relevant to my issues. W also brings many of their own opinions to sessions about various topics, including my diagnoses and past treatment. This places W at odds with my ex Ts, Pdocs, etc. It feels as though W is almost trying to undermine the work I have done thus far in therapy, and the importance I had placed on getting an accurate diagnosis which helps me to understand why I am the way I am. In W's opinion, it is just me searching for validation.

I have decided that I don't need these qualities in a T and once again, I am looking for a new T but every time I do, I'm so afraid of picking the wrong one due to negative experiences with the last Ts and worse of all, I'm terrified of getting a new T that I will get attached to in the same way I was attached to M. Perhaps that's why I chose F and W, because I instinctively knew that there was no danger of becoming attached to them but coincidentally, neither has been right for me.

After being harmed by therapy in the past, I vowed never to go back to it again but six months in, I realized that I wasn't recovering and there was so much stuff left unresolved. Furthermore, I have recently realized that almost 2 years after terminating with M, I am still not over the attachment!

I don't know what I'm asking...I guess I'm looking for advice and reassurance from people who understand what it's like to go through therapy.

Therapy is a lot like learning how to take care of yourself and get advice on what to do with your set of psychological circumstances....never give up on researching what to do...never give up on taking care of yourself... Therapy is great but it doesn't do everything...it just helps you sort out the feelings and understand why or what to do... sometimes it is just a few therapist later and it's easier to work with more than one person... therapy is good when you need it... sometimes we just need to be understood by others...my own family and friends are still in the dark and probably never will be able to help me...so I get help from therapy

Amyjay · Sep 04, 2017, 02:59 PM

I hear you talking about your fear of any new t not being right for you and I know what you mean. I am starting out with a new t and I am terrified she won't be the right fit for me too.
But while the fear is relevant and appropriate in the situation the possibility of finding a GREAT t is also relevant and appropriate. You could find someone awesome. You don't have to settle for something that doesn't quite work for fear of getting something worse, because you can always keep looking for the T that feels right.
If you stick with a t that doesn't quite fit you could potentially be missing out (right now!) on a t that fits you perfectly.

here today · Sep 04, 2017, 03:13 PM

What kind of social support do you have in the "real world"? Any chance that improving that could be what you need more than more therapy?

My last therapy terminated a year ago. I'm not going back. I've still got issues but at this point therapy just seems to make things worse.

Mouse007 · Sep 04, 2017, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by here today

What kind of social support do you have in the "real world"? Any chance that improving that could be what you need more than more therapy?

My last therapy terminated a year ago. I'm not going back. I've still got issues but at this point therapy just seems to make things worse.

Therapy doesn't fix all of it...it's like a puzzle and you have to figure out how to get it to work for you so you aren't so unable to cope but able to move on....

objectclient · Sep 04, 2017, 05:06 PM

I have literally no support from real relationships with regards to my mental health other than a long distance friend who I can talk to via social media. My family can't grasp what it is to struggle with mental health. It's "everyone gets anxious" or "we all get down from time to time".

Despite joining support groups, classes and volunteer work, I do not find anyone on my wavelength with whom I could become friends. It's like a desert.

I get what you're saying, therapy isn't everything but I have so much unresolved stuff that I can't process alone and I'm actually scared to jump down the rabbit hole without feeling like someone's with me, or I fear I might never get back out. A lot of this stuff I am unable to talk about with my friend even. How does one go about telling someone your own age, a grown adult, in certain situations feels like a child and has fantasies of sensual nature with potential "parent figures"? Embarrassing, right? I would even struggle discussing this with the most trusted of Ts.

When choosing a new T, aside from things like experience, qualifications, approach etc, what should I look for in terms of rapport? The Ts I chose previously I followed my gut feeling but ended up getting so attached, it was perhaps unhealthy but these were the Ts who I trusted the most and felt I could open up to. I chose the last 2 Ts knowing, perhaps purposely, that I wouldn't attach because I thought we would have a healthier relationship with more distance. However, both turned out to be unfruitful.

I know if I choose a T I will grow to feel close to it will be unhealthy but I will open up but if I choose a T I won't warm to, the opposite will be true. But what should a normal therapy relationship look like?