[yagr]

First let me say that I have no problems with my therapist. She is probably about the twelfth therapist I have had over a half century and the only one with whom I have connected and made progress with. I care about her very much, but not inappropriately so, rather similar to how I feel about some here on psych central with whom I have developed personal relationships with. Let's call it 'love with healthy boundaries'.

Two sessions ago I discussed a matter in my life that would seem to indicate a move to the far side of the state might be in order. I shared that to me, the idea of losing her as a therapist would be a significant negative to such a move. It wasn't a firm consideration at that point - and still isn't, though more evidence has surfaced since then which would indicate the list of reasons to move are growing. I shared the growing reasons for a move in yesterdays session as well and reiterated that losing her as a therapist is a serious consideration on the 'not moving' side of things.

In our first discussion on the matter, she said, "I know of some excellent therapists on that side of the state." Yesterday she took it further with, "I'm sure we could find you a much better therapist over there."

Her self-esteem is not my problem, and I am not trying to make it mine. Nevertheless, I'm finding myself dismayed by her position that she is mediocre at best. I want to hit her on the head with a rock (personal expression - i.e. shake someone to get the dust out of their brain). After a lifetime of working diligently, more or less on my own, to reach a point of relative health after a very traumatic and abusive childhood, she has helped me to improve my life significantly in ways that no one else could.

She has made the rare comment throughout our weekly sessions over a period approaching two years that have given me pause. For instance, she has shared with me on two occasions that she has had to do some soul searching on whether or not she is bringing value to the therapeutic relationship because, in her words, I am vastly more intelligent than she is (admittedly this is true but I'm a genius and this often the case), know more about psychiatry than she will ever know (less true but probably realistic), and so insightful that I seem to come up with the solutions to my own issues before she can help me work through them. While there may be a grain of truth in that as well, she has correctly concluded (and shared with me that she feels) that I apparently need a sounding board to work through it.

Anyway, just chronicling my discomfort with the idea that one of the people I value most in the world does not value herself as highly. I feel saddened at the idea. While I recognize that it is not my job to take care of her, and would actually be detrimental to the therapeutic relationship to do so, I wish that I could do something to lift up her view of herself. I won't, but wish I could.

Anyone experience something similar?

[Travelinglady]

Hmm. I'm sort of surprised she would bring that up, evidently needing confirmation that she is a good therapist. If you tell her that (in all honesty), then that might be what she's looking for from you.

Sounds like something she needs to bring up with her own therapist, though. We as patients shouldn't be called upon to do therapy on our therapists!

I have not been through anything like this before. I do wish some psychiatrists I've had would have asked me if they should keep being psychiatrists!

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hmm. I'm sort of surprised she would bring that up, evidently needing confirmation that she is a good therapist. If you tell her that (in all honesty), then that might be what she's looking for from you.

I am aware that it could look that way, but I am confident that this was not her reasoning. If you want me to share with you, you would do well to be candid with me. She intuitively realizes this and walks the line extraordinarily well, avoiding most things personal in her life but throwing me a bone once in a while. Regarding her latest comment, I think she was just trying to assure me that excellent help was still available even if I had to move - and the comment about 'a much better therapist' was simply a slip.

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Sounds like something she needs to bring up with her own therapist, though. We as patients shouldn't be called upon to do therapy on our therapists!

I agree that she should bring this up with her own therapist, but sincerely believe that she wasn't fishing.

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I have not been through anything like this before. I do wish some psychiatrists I've had would have asked me if they should keep being psychiatrists!

Oh my goodness, me too!

[Travelinglady]

Okay. Come to think of it, it could be in this context that she wants you to feel good about moving, assuring you that you might even get a better therapist in a new place than she is.

[Mouse007]

Sometimes we just have to grow when we have to get another therapist...

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Mouse007

Sometimes we just have to grow when we have to get another therapist...

No arguments here Mouse. I'm not averse to growth though, I've just found so few therapist (one) who has facilitated growth. Searching for the first one with whom I could make progress took me fifty years. I can say with confidence that I don't have another fifty years to find the next one.

It may be that she is correct, that she is actually mediocre as a therapist, and that it is my trust in her and the fact that we are such a good fit that makes this work so well.

[LonesomeTonight]

A couple times, I have told my marriage counselor that he seems to "get me" and what I need better than my individual T. He's said things like, he only knows a few therapists who are better than my T, and he's not one of them. So not quite to the same level as what your T was saying, but similar. It was difficult for me, too. Because if *I* think he's good, then it feels invalidating for him to say things like my T is a better therapist than him or that he doesn't understand me as well as I think he does. Self-deprecation is one of his things in general though. I mean, I guess I wouldn't want a therapist who was really arrogant, who thought they had all the answers. But still, if I think he's helping me and I think he's good--shouldn't that be what counts, not his opinion of himself in comparison with other T's?

So, in other words, I understand. Maybe your T is worried she's not helping you? Or, more likely, she doesn't want to be what keeps you from making the move. So she's saying you can find someone better there, to keep from holding you back from something that you think is good for you (moving).

[AllHeart]

May be her way of encouraging you not to base your decision to stay because of her.

[ruh roh]

Yeah, I agree with allheart that it's more about not wanting to hold you back.

[guilloche]

I was thinking the same things as Allheart and Ruh Roh. Maybe she's putting herself down as a way to help you feel more comfortable moving (although it doesn't seem like a very effective way to do that!). I could see how she might be uncomfortable with the idea that she is, in any way, holding you back - especially if this move otherwise presents a good opportunity for you.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

But still, if I think he's helping me and I think he's good--shouldn't that be what counts, not his opinion of himself in comparison with other T's?

Precisely. Couldn't have said it better myself...in fact, I didn't.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

So, in other words, I understand.

Clearly.

I don't see your therapist as devaluing herself or her worth to you or other clients at all. We all have limitations and she is speaking her truth that there are other therapist that can maybe do something different for you in therapy, different from what she has provided you. This maybe the intelligence piece. I'm not hearing her say that she is bad for you or would be bad for youif you stayed with her. I see her saying that there are other therapist out there that can work with a person as intelligent as you and you don't have to be concerned about ending your work with her. Her self esteem is in tact and it is nothing you should ever have to be concerned about. I think your therapist is telling you to take this next step forward. Also, I am pretty impressed that she stopped at times to examine if what she provided to you was appropriate. So many other PC'ers are in great distress because they took a very selfish stance. This is my opinion only.

[yagr]

I know this thread is a couple of weeks old but I had an interesting addition to it. I told my T in our last session that, "...while I get that 'you' are not my job, something you said is taking up some space in my head and so, I'm going to get rid of it now." I continued, "What is the power of the therapeutic relationship in your opinion?"

T: "I'm not suppose to say."
Me: "But I already know and you know that."
T: "Love."
Me: "So when you told me that you didn't consider yourself one of the better T's out there, you were really saying that you aren't all that good at loving people. Is that right?"
T: "Annnnd that's why you're going to school to become a therapist. Thanks for that. Now back to you..."

Which we did. I am not currently going to school for that but we have discussed it and I am beginning the enrollment process to start in January.